A middle-aged guy goes to his local clinic and asks to see a doctor. He’s told to go into the first available examination room and strip, and a doctor will be with him shortly.
Imagine the doctor’s surprise when he walks in and finds the guy completely naked and sporting a bright purple dick.
“Hmmmmmmmmm,” goes the doc. “I must say, I’ve never seen anything quite like that!”
“I know, I know,” says the guy. “I was kind of hoping it would go away, but it seems to be getting worse.”
“Well,” says the doc, “are you married?”
“Sure am.”
“Okay… Do you ever practice extramarital sex?”
“Nope. I’m 100% faithful to my wife.”
“I see. Do you and your spouse engage in any unusual sexual activities?”
“No, not really. A little anal now and then, that’s all.”
“Uh-huh. Do you use condoms?”
“No, not really.”
“Well, that isn’t necessarily a problem. Do you use lubricants?”
Originally Posted by silenus
There isn’t a single hanging fixture in the entire house. Even then, so what? Climb the step stool, unscrew bulb, place in pocket, take replacement bulb out of mouth and replace. All force applied to the fixture is rotary to the socket. Who needs two hands to do that?
A man comes home drunk and staggers upstairs with a sheep under his arm. His wife sits up in bed and shrieks “Now what in the hell have you’ve got there?”.
“This,” he says with drunken dignity, “is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
“*I think you’ll find *that’s a sheep!” she retorts.
“*I think you’ll find *I wasn’t talking to you,” he answers.
Rastus and Eliza are standing at the train station when Eliza cries out in alarm, “Rastus! Get back from the edge of the platform, before a train comes along and sucks you right off!”
And Rastus yells: [pelvic thrust] “Come ooooon, train!!” [/pelvic thrust]
Husband says to wife: “I TOLD you hat women can’t shut their mounths, and this article proves it! Woman speak an average of twice as many words as men do every single day.”
Wife replies, “If that’s true, it’s only because men don’t listen to us and we have to repeat ourselves.”
Harvard Medical School just released a report based on a 5-year study of domestic violence. Do you know what they found is the #1 cause of child abuse?
A nice young man approaches a rabbi in the New York Subway and asks if he has the time.
Imagine his shock when the rabbi tells him in no uncertain terms to push off.
“Why?” asks the guy. “All I want to know is the time!”
“Sure, sure,” says the rabbi. “That’s how it starts! You ask me the time, I tell you the time. We get to talking. We hit it off. You look like a nice young man, so I invite you to come home with me for coffee. You meet my wife and my beautiful daughter. You end up staying for dinner. Then you ask my daughter out some evening. You start going out together, and you fall in love. A couple of months later, she’s pregnant. Then you, being a real mensch, decide to do the right thing and ask me for her hand in marriage. And let me tell you, Buster, there’s no way I’m gonna let my daughter marry some shlep who can’t even afford a watch!”
