Q: What is the only day of the year that is also a command?
A: March 4th!
A rich old fart finally discovers Viagra and hits the singles scene for the first time in decades. Because of his wealth, he has no problem scoring regularly. His doctor, however, is worried that he might be overdoing it, so he asks him to come in for a checkup.
“Never felt better in my life!” says the nonogenarian. “I go out every night and pick up at least three women at each club. None of them are ever over thirty. We all go to a four-star hotel and have sex all night long!”
“Well,” says the doc, “it’s been a long time since you were last active, and things have changed a bit. I hope you take precautions.”
“Of course I do!” says the old fart indignantly. “I never use my real name and I always give them a fake phone number.”
Well since we’ve landed in "what goes… " jokes:
What goes Ho Ho Ho plop?
Santa Clause laughing his head off.
What goes ding dong and lays in the grass?
A wounded Avon lady.
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the young man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.” She gave him a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,” the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” he said. “I only have a few items!”
“Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her,” explained the clerk.
I first heard this, 30-some years ago, told as a cautionary urban legend.
Little Johnny opens his parents’ bedroom door, and sees them engaged in intercourse. Shortly thereafter, Daddy goes and has a talk with Johnny about how this is completely natural, etc., etc.
Later that evening a strange noise is heard behind Johnny’s bedroom door. Dad goes in, and finds Johnny screwing Grandma. “Not so funny when it’s YOUR mother, is it?”
I declare your second joke NOT SAFE FOR PUBLIC LIBRARIES! 
That one always gets a laugh from the kidlets. 
And the one just above:
“Not so funny when it’s YOUR mother, is it?”
… is doubleplus- NSFPL!
Thanks. MLS!
“The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon’s new ad campaign: ‘They can hear you now.’” -Jimmy Fallon
Nearly forty for me, followed up with:
*So I ran out of the store as fast as i could, caught up with the old woman, and confronted her, demanding that she come back to the store and pay for her groceries. She refused, and tried to walk away, but I grabbed her arm.
We struggled for a bit, and she fell down, scattering groceries all over the street. She tried to crawl away, but I reached down and grabbed onto her leg, and started pulling…
…just like I’m pulling yours.*
When I was 6 years old I heard a man tell that joke to another man in a barber shop. I remember it because it didn’t make any sense to me at all at that age and I couldn’t figure out why he thought it was funny. I’ll see your 40 and raise you 10…
Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian?
He had a sign above his bed that read “in Dog we Thrust”.
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this, a joke?”
A deaf man had run up considerable gambling debts with the local mob, and the boss finally sends an enforcer to the man’s house to collect. The man’s brother answered the door and agreed to translate, since the enforcer didn’t know sign language. After going back and forth for several minutes making excuses and claiming not to have the money, the enforcer unbuttons his jacket revealing a gun in his waistband, and tells the brother, “Tell him if he doesn’t come up with the dough NOW, I’m gonna blow his goddamn head right off!”. The brother relays the message and the deaf man frantically signs back, “Alright alright! I have $50,000 in an attaché case in the basement behind the water heater. My brother will get it.” The brother turns to the enforcer and says, “He doesn’t think you’ve got the balls.”
How to catch elephants using common household items:
You will need some paint, a piece of cardboard, a stick, a large glass jar with a lid, a pair of tweezers and a pair of binoculars.
Seek out a place frequented by elephants. Like a watering hole. Use the paint, cardboard and stick to make a sign that reads “For Ellefants”.
Elephants are very sensitive to grammar, so when the first elephant comes around and sees this sign he will trumpet loudly and summon all the other elephants to come and see this stupid sign.
As all the elephants are gathered around the sign, shaking their trunks in disbelief, get ready for the catch.
Take the binoculars and look at the elephants, but make sure the binoculars are turned the other way around - so that the elephants look small.
Take the tweezers and pick up the small elephants and put them in the jar.
When you have enough elephants. Put the lid on. The lid should probably have holes in it if you want to keep the elephants alive.
Pretty easy, huh?
A woman is in line at the grocery store and begins putting her items on the checkout counter. The man behind her notices that she has a few frozen dinners, some single serving cans of soup, a People magazine and some diet soda. He leans over and says “excuse me, are you single?” The woman responds “Yes I am, did you guess this from my purchases?” “No” says the man…
“you’re pretty fucking ugly.”
Couldn’t I just dig a big pit, fill it with ash and line some peas around the edge and then when an elephant comes up to take a pea, I can kick him in the ash hole?
Or maybe “Og”
– Odd Og
ETA:
This also would apply upthread:
Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian?
He had a sign above his bed that read “in Dog we Thrust”. – by Stealth Bragg
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.
“Hey, honey!” says the barkeep. “Why the long face?”
Was she a fat skank? 