Well, we did hook up later. I recently found her on Facebook.
Ted and Alice are in the mood for an afternoon romp, but little Johnny is home on summer vacation. To distract him for a while, they tell him to go stand on the balcony and report on what the neighbors are doing.
“Mr Johnson just lit up his barbecue.” reports Johnny, just as Ted is entering Alice. “Mrs and Mrs Burke are out walking their dog. The mailman just dropped off a big package at the Swensons’. Mrs Standish is watering her lawn. And Mrs and Mrs O’Brien are screwing.”
Ted stops in mid-thrust. “How, uhm, how do you know that, Johnny?”
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too.”
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and says “Barkeep! Drinks for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself while you’re at it!”
Fifteen minutes later, he says “Barkeep! Another round for everyone in the house! And pour yourself another one, too!”
This goes on for the better part of an hour. Finally, the bartender leans over and says “Hey, pal, you know you’ve already run up quite a tab!”
The drunk looks at the bartender with bleary eyes and says “Well, hell! I ain’t got no money!”
Enraged, the bartender grabs the drunk, smashes him against the wall, and throws him out onto the street.
A few minutes later, the drunk staggers back in and says "Barkeep! A round of drinks for everyone in the house!
“But none for you. You’re mean when you drink!”
Where would an expert on Mozart likely give a presentation about the composer?
On the Dias, On the Dias.
Oh Oh Oh On the Dias.
A woman tells her husband, ‘Stop by the store on your way home and buy a carton of milk. If they have avocados, get six.’ The husband comes home with six cartons of milk. The wife says, 'Why did you buy six cartons of milk? :eek: ’ The husband says, ‘They had avocados.’
Similar story on an RAF station: The station commander asks the young lad who sweeps the floor if he’d mind running over the the NAAFI for him. “Here’s five shillings - bring me back twenty Rothman’s. Oh, and it’s nearly a mile each way, so take my bike, which is the green Raleigh by the door. If they haven’t got Rothman’s, get me something else.”
Half an hour later there is still no sign of the young man and the station commander is mildly exasperated. He looks out of the window to see if there’s any sign of him and he sees him in the distance pushing the bicycle. “Idiot!” he thinks. “What’s he gone and done to my bike?”
When the youth arrives he hands over a Mars bar and four and threepence change. “What’s this?” demands the station commander. “They hadn’t got any Rothman’s, so I got you something else, like you said,” explains the gormless one.
After a brief :facepalm: moment the station commander realizes there is nothing to be gained by arguing the point, so he says “And what’s the matter with my bicycle?”. “There’s nothing the matter with it,” says the youth. “Then what were you pushing it for?” asks the station commander. “I can’t ride a bike,” the youth explains further. “Then what did you even take it for?” asks the station commander. :smack:
“…You told me to,” says the youth.
Old man in a small town wins the lottery and disappears for a year.
After a year, he returns to town and goes to the bar as usual.
One of the regulars asks, "Hey Joe! Good to see you back! Must be nice to be rich, huh?
Guys says, “Well, I ain’t rich no more. All that lottery money is gone.”
The regular says, “Hell, man! That was a lot of money! What happened to it?”
Joe says, “Well, I went out to that Las Vegas place for a year. Gambled some of it away, spent more on high living and drinking, spent a LOT of it on loose women…and the rest I just wasted!”
Awaiting punchline…
A guy goes to his doctor. He says “Doc, I’ve got a problem. Every day at 7:00 am I take a huge dump.”
The doctor says “It sounds like a good habit. Why is it a problem?”
The guy says “I don’t wake up till 9:00.”
A sign on the whorehouse reads: “We’re closed. Beat it!”
The hair salon near me has a special offer right now, where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your colour to set. It’s called eat shit and dye.
…He probably spent the rest of it on things like clothes, maybe some regular food once in a while, maybe cab fare, haircuts, et cetera - not the important stuff like wine, women and song.
MODS … can someone please correct the, uhm, obvious typo in this joke to “Mr and Mrs”…? :rolleyes:
Is a change needed? These are modern times. 
Personally, I think it loses something without the “Mr and Mrs.” It is suburbia, after all… :rolleyes:
I think they were referring to the fact that it says Mrs. and Mrs.
A businessman comes out of a Vegas casino in great haste, and hails a cab. “Quickly!” he says “I have to get to New York to close a business deal, and I just lost the last of my cash in there. If you rush me to the airport now, I’ll forward you the fare plus a hundred bucks as soon as I get back.”
“Yeah, right,” says the cabbie, “like I ain’t heard that story before. Fifty bucks cash up front or no ride, feller.” And, deaf to all entreaties, he leaves the man and his deal to go to hell.
Some months later the businessman is back in Vegas, and he budgets more wisely. So he still has cash on him when he goes out to the cab rank, where he spots the cabbie from last time but also a dozen other cars; and he goes to one of these and opens the door. “Hiya! Fifty bucks to the airport?” he asks. “Yep, that’ll do fine,” says the driver, “in you get.” The businessman gets in and adds “How about I give you another fifty, and you give me a blowjob?”. The cabbie, enraged, tells him to get to fuck out of his cab, so he goes to the next cab on the rank and repeats his offer, then the next, then the next.
Finally he goes to the same cabbie as last time, opens the door and says “Fifty bucks to the airport?” “Yep, that’s fine - you got the cash?” “I sure have,” says the businessman, and hands it over. “Learnt my lesson since last time!”
And as the cab pulls away from the rank, the businessman gives all the other cabbies a huge grin and two thumbs up. 
I am guessing this is sung to the tune of “Rock Me Amadeus.” And did you mean “dais”?
Uhhhh … I’m the guy who posted the joke. Or is there some more subtle nuance that I’m failing to fathom here? :dubious: 