Did you hear about the Jewish newspaper reporter who got a scoop?
He came running into the newsroom shouting “HOLD THE BACK PAGE!”
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.”
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”
But another voice kept saying, “Howard, you are a veterinarian.”
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
That joke requires way too much thought to
A big city lawyer went quail hunting in West Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a pasture on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, a crusty old rancher rode up and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, “I shot a quail. It fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old rancher retorted, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don’t let me have that quail, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old rancher smiled and said, “Apparently you don’t know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kicks Rule’.” The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kicks Rule’?” The rancher replied, “Well, because the dispute is occurring on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until one of us gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and figured he could easily take the old geezer. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old rancher slowly climbed down from his horse and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his cowboy boot right into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick, to the belly, doubled the lawyer over, gagging for air. The lawyer was on hands and knees when the rancher’s third kick, to his rump, sent him face first into a fresh cow patty.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his willpower and managed to struggle to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket he said, “Okay, you old fool. Now it’s my turn.” The old rancher grinned and answered, “Nah, I give up. You can have the quail!”
That one never gets old
Unless I’m misunderstanding, someone earlier today brought attention to the fact that it said Mrs. and** Mrs.**. Then you said hey, I like the nuance of Mr. and Mrs., not understanding that that’s not what they were referring to?
Sven and Ole bought all new fishing gear and went on a long fishing trip, during which they caught only one fish. On the way home, Ole says the way he figures it, that fish cost them $400. Sven says, “Uff da! It’s good we didn’t catch any more then!”
Ole is late returning to work after his lunch break:
Boss: Where have you been?
Ole: Getting my hair cut.
Boss: On the company’s time?
Ole: Well, it grew on company time.
Boss: Not all of it!
Ole: I didn’t get it all cut.
Lena dies at home, and Ole calls 911 to have them pick up the body. “Where do you live?” asks the operator. “On Eucalyptus Avenue”, replies Ole. “Can you spell that?” she asks. Ole thinks for awhile, and then says, “OK, how about I drag her over to Oak Street then?”
Uhhhhh … no. I pointed out that there was a typo in my joke and asked that it be corrected to Mr and Mrs, since that’s what it was supposed to be in the first place.
What, this is rocket science? 
Kleptomaniacs can’t understand puns. They take things, literally.
A Pakistani goes up to an Englishman on the streets of London.
“Excuse me, sir!” says the Pakistani. “Could you tell me please the time, or would you like me to fuck off?”
My wife and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and a show. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet, we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned, so my wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my wife would be out momentarily as she was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her in the ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat, hairy ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard…she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”
The silence in the taxi was deafening…
Two Democratic Party drones are out in a Chicago cemetery late one night, copying down names to use in the upcoming elections.
“Holy crap!” says one. “Look at this guy’s name, H-A-J-U-K-E-W-I-C-Z! I can’t even pronounce it! No way I’m gonna try to write it down!”
“You put his name in the book!” says the other. “This is America, and he’s got as much right to vote as anybody else!”
A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.
The somewhat irate lady called her mate’s cellphone and demanded, “Where the hell are you?”
He said, “Darling, you remember, a few years ago, that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have any money that time, but I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours someday’?”
His wife, blushing, said, “Yes, I remember that very well, dear.”
He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to that store.”
Prompting a horribly un-PC joke – mods, please delete if you find it beyond the pale.
The scene: on a train in Angola, a couple / three decades ago. The carriage compartment is shared by a Cuban (a soldier, doing what Cuban soldiers then did in those parts); a Scotsman (an engineer, there to try to make good some of the damage done by the civil war then raging); a Pakistani (a pedlar / peddler, wandering around selling various stuff to the impoverished populace); and an Englishman (a railfan, there to enjoy action from steam locomotives, still flourishing on the country’s railways).
As the train rolls along through the bush, behind its steam loco; the Cuban produces a cigar out of his pocket, lights it, takes a few puffs, and then throws the cigar out of the window.
The Scotsman asks, “Mon, whit did ye dae that fur?”
The Cuban replies, “In Cuba, we make so many cigars, and of such good quality, that we can afford to take a few puffs and then throw the thing away.” And he produces and lights another cigar.
The Scotsman in turn, takes a bottle of whisky out of his travelling bag, takes a couple of swigs from it, and then throws it out of the window. The Pakistani addresses him; “Please, sahib, why were you doing that? It seems very wasteful.”
The Scot replies, “In Scotland, we mak’ sae much whusky, of such guid quality, that we can afford tae dae this.” And he fetches another bottle of whisky out of his bag.
Whereupon the Englishman picks the Pakistani up, and throws him out of the window.
Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality…
Hah! That’s what you think. 
Q. How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two.
I knew that was coming… 
I actually had a WTH? pause over that for a second-and-a half.
Back in the day, we had a name for a joke with a punchline you didn’t get instantly.
We called them [Native American] mini-skirt jokes.
(Because…)