Something about am-bushes? 
Two hot college babes take a trip to Paris together. On the first night in their hotel room, just as they’re getting ready for bed, one approaches the other and puts her hand on her shoulder.
Looking deep into her friend’s eyes, she says “I know we’ve known each other since high school, but there’s something I have to tell you. Now, let me be frank…”
“No!” says the other petulantly. “I wanna be Frank!”
They’re mini-hahas?
Wouldn’t that be [Native American] underwear because they creep up on you?
Exactly! I believe it was Red Skelton who was the one who said it and he said “Indian” instead of Native American.
I’m glad I decided to check the thread aftter most of a weekend absence.
I LOVE these!!!
There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say "There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say "There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say "There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say "There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say…
Betcha can’t top this one:*
Q: What’s the difference between a gentleman of a certain Ethno-Religious persuasion and a Boy Scout?
A: A Boy Scout comes home from camp! 
*Told to me by my teenaged daughter. :eek:
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar
There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Werner Heisenberg is stopped by a policeman while driving his car. The cop says “Sir, can you tell me how fast you’re going?” and Heisenberg says “No, but I can tell you exactly where I am”. So the officer checks the trunk of the car. “Sir, do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?” “Well, I do NOW!”
Q: Why do gentlemen of a certain Ethno-Religious persuasion have big fingers?
A: They have big noses!
Q: Why do they have big noses?
A: Air is free… :rolleyes:
What, he stole Schrödinger’s cat?!?!?
This is from the days when QANTAS had a monopoly in Australia. Things have changed now, but airlines still have strange ways to sell their product.
BUYING PAINT FROM QANTAS: THE SPIRIT OF AUSTRALIA.
Imagine you are buying paint from Qantas: First you spend days trying to reach them by phone to ask if they have paint. Nobody answers. So you drive to a Qantas store.
Customer: Hi. How much is your pain
Shop Assistant: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
C: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
SA: Our lowest price is $12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a litre.
C: What’s the difference in the paint?
SA: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
C: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.
SA: When do you intend to use the paint?
C: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.
SA: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
C: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
SA: You would have to start very late at night in about three weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
C: You’ve got to be kidding!
SA: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.
C: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
SA: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per litre just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.
C: The price went up as we were talking?
SA: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many litres do you want?
C: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.
SA: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
C: WHAT?
S: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining litres of paint.
C: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
SA: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.
C: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
SA: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
C: But what are all these ``Paint on sale from $10 a litre’’ signs?
SA: Well, that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One $5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
C: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!
SA: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room, from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us.
And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a litre.
C: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
SA: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started.
A hallway is different.
C: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.
SA: No, we’ll charge you an extra-use fee plus the difference on your next litre of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir.
C: You’re insane!
SA: But we’re now THIS COUNTRY’S only full-service paint supplier! And don’t go looking for bargains! Thanks for painting with Qantas.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t return?
A stick.
What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a garden hose?
“Darling!”
Some scientists want to cool my body down to -273.15 degrees Celsius. My wife thinks it’ll kill me, but I think I’ll be 0k.
A:“Knock knock.”
B:“Who’s there?”
A:“Interrupting coefficient of friction.”
B:“Interrupting coeffici-”
A:“μ!!!”
That’s 0 K.
The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.
I bought a film from the market, which claimed to have 3.14159 stars out of five. It turned out to be a pi-rated DVD.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
The answer is left as an exercise for the reader.
A lumberjack chops down trees at a phenomenal rate during a international competition, easily winning first prize.
“Tell me,” says a reporter after the awards have been handed out, “where did you hone your remarkable skills?”
“Well,” says the lumberjack, “I’ve always practiced in the Sahara Desert.”
The reporter thinks a moment. “But there are no trees in the Sahara Desert!”
“Well,” says the lumberjack, “not any more!”
How do you get a philosophy major off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
How do anthropologists pluralize the word “Anecdote”?
Data
So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.
He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.
Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
Some of my favorite Rodney Dangerfieldisms:
“My wife is so bad in bed, after we have sex, I draw a chalk outline around her.”
“I get no respect, no respect at all. The doctor told me I was dying of cancer and I said, ‘If you don’t mind, Doc, I’d like to get a second opinion.’ He said, ‘OK, you’re ugly too!’”
“My wife likes to talk after sex. The other night she called me from a motel.”
“I was so ugly as a child, my parents taped baloney to my clothes so that the dog would play with me.”