Why didn’t anyone ever tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punch lines were too long. 
Higgs boson goes into a church. Priest says we don’t allow any Higgs bosons here. Higgs boson says, then how do you have mass?
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally,
An Engineering major says “What is the best way to make this new suspension bridge structurally sound?”
An Economics major says “What is the best way we can finance this project with minimum outlay and maximum return?”
A Materials Science major says “What combination of compounds can we use to produce an alloy that is durable yet malleable?”
A Physics major says “How can we best reconcile Quantum Theory with General Relativity while accounting for dark matter and the probable existence of gravitons?”
A Geology major says “Would you agree that the statistical probability of finding oil in this formation at a depth of 1600 meters is 0.95?”
A Philosophy major says “Would you like fries with that, sir?”
How do you get a hall full of little old ladies to go “Fuck!” all at once?
Shout “Bingo!”
Hear about the Polish lesbian?
She liked men.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Related: If Air Travel Worked Like American Health Care
(Now someone needs to write “If Health Care Worked Like Buying Paint”…)
Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Many years ago I was in adult education classes. There was an unusual topic one session in very early spring. This was a cautionary seminar about psychotropic drugs as the warmer weather of summer approached. It seems that, in addition to concerns of skin cancer from UV rays, those taking the drugs should be concerned about the interaction involved with peak solar hours.
Nor should the fact of an “overcast” day be a cause for relief. A light haze, typical of many really hot summer days, means about as much total energy hitting you.
And it was especially dangerous to fall asleep and thus spend extra time in a powerful sun. But that was precisely an extra concern for people taking some of these drugs, which may induce drowsiness. Also, the consumers often were depressive.
I thought to myself… “Lazy” lying in the sun… “Haziness…” The consumers are often considered to be…
I brightened up. I quipped something, but not very loudly, fearing reprisals for yet another unwelcome pun. Interestingly enough, everybody on my side of the circle laughed in full appreciation, and the only people who didn’t were on the other half, perhaps not able to make it out.
I said…
“Oh, I know where this is going. You’re talking about…”
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” and the linguist replied “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions”.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why does Pierre-Joseph Proudhon only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft…
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
Off-topic from jokes, but you just fought my ignorance. I’ve never heard of Proudhon, and just this morning I was listening to “Restaurant at the end of the Universe”, the audio novel version with Martin Freeman narrating, and realized that I had no idea what Zaphod was talking about when he started with “Property is theft…”
A man was driving along and then saw a cat get hit by a car. He pulled over to tend to the cat and saw that its tail was severed from its body. Being a cat lover, he desperately wanted to help the poor kitty. He gently lifted up the cat and carried it to the street corner. He called up his friend who is a veterinarian and he dashed right over. But just a few minutes later, they found themselves under arrest! What for you ask?
re-tailing pussy on a street corner
Read online today:
Don’t anthropomorphise inanimate objects. They don’t like it.
Timely Cyanide & Happiness.
Ok, I’ve seen this joke a couple of times before, but never managed to understand what’s funny about it. Is it supposed to sound like something?
Mary Poppins - Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
ETA: I didn’t google the spelling…
(OK maybe I did)
It’s September 1632, and Jack the Canadian lumberjack, out in the frozen northern wastes, is preparing for winter. So out he goes in the forest to stock up on firewood. He cuts trees all day, and as he stops to eat the lunch his wife lovingly packed for him he spies a wizened old Innu warrior sitting on a log on the other side of the clearing. He waves to him, and the warrior waves back. Then they stand together in awkward silence for a while, until the Innu mutters to himself : “Winter will be cold”. Then disappears into the woods.
So Jack goes back home with his firewood, and says to his loving wife he’s going to have to go out again next day, because the wise old Innu warned him winter would be cold this year.
And Jack spends another day working his heart out until the sun starts going down beneath the proud fir trees, and he notices the same wizened old Innu, sitting on the same log, just watching him. He waves at him, and the Innu waves back. Then they stand together in awkward silence for a while, until the warrior mutters under his breath : “Winter will be very cold”. Then he disappears into the woods again.
So back Jack goes to his loving wife, his logs in tow, and again he tells her he can’t stay long, for the Natives warned him winter would be very cold this year and preparations must be made.
As the sun peeks behind the proud fir trees, Jack sets out again to cut more of them. He toils all day, and when he’s done he spies the Innu again, on his log, looking pensive. So he waves at him, and the Innu waves back, and after a while he says : “Winter will be very, *very *cold”. But this time, before the warrior can vanish into the woods again, Jack has to know ! So he asks : “Begging your pardon, sir, but how is it you Injuns can tell how cold the winter is going to be ?!”
And the Innu replies : “The shaman of my tribe says : when white man cuts a lot of wood, it means winter will be very cold.”
(a variant of this joke goes : “When white man takes all the wood, it means…”)
It’s a Mary Poppins joke. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious !
I wasn’t gonna post this…but since you went there…
What’s the definition of incest?
It’s when you can smell your sister’s pussy on your father’s cock
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Philip Glass.
Once, there was a redneck woman with 6 sons, all of whom she’d named “Billy.”
A neighbor asked why she’d done that, and she answered, “Well, it’s very convenient. When it’s time to wake up in the morning, I just yell BILLY, TIME TO WAKE UP, and they all wake up. When it’s time for school, I just yell, BILLY, GET TO SCHOOL, and they all go to school. When it’s dinner time, I just yell BILLY, WASH UP AND COME TO THE TABLE, and they all come.”
The neighbor nodded and said, “That does sound handy. But what if you just need to talk to ONE of them?”
The Mom replied, “Oh, well then I just call them by their LAST names.”