A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a moose sitting next to him.
“Are you a moose?” asked the man, surprised.
“Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The moose replied, “Well, I liked the book.”
You’re not seriously giving me a hard time after trotting out the old “Master of Wit and Repartee” joke, are you? 
A Scotsman is visiting up-country Canada and while he is out in the forest with his Canadian friend he is amazed to see a huge animal, bigger than the biggest stag he ever saw or imagined, trots by bellowing and belching alarmingly. “Crivens!” he exclaims, “whit d’ye call that?” “That?” says his friend. “Just a moose.” “A moose?” yells Jock. “Jings! Ah’m oot o’ here before the rrrrats turn up!”
The fourth grade Catholic school teacher, a Sister, was asking the little students what they wanted to be when they grew up. For a while she got the usual answers: fire fighter, police officer, nurse, teacher, and so on.
Little Suzie, though, spoke up and said that she intended to be a prostitute!
For some reason, the teacher was taken aback, turned white, mumbled something unintelligible, was completely silent for a scary moment, and then collapsed sideways out of her chair.
Most of the little kids were shocked and had no idea what to do. One bright kid decided that the best thing to do was to scoot to the school nurse’s office. The nurse came in to examine the Sister, and decided that there had been no heart attack or other medical emergency, just a fainting. So she simply revived her with some smelling salts.
After long minutes the teacher had regained her composure, and the students had shown every sign of complete relief. All were ready for the class to resume.
The Sister: Now, Suzie, what did you say that you wanted to be?
Suzie: (very clearly) A prostitute!
The Sister placed her hand across her chest and gave a huge sigh of relieve.
Oh, thank heavens, she replied…
I thought you said a PROTESTANT!
A piano bar is advertising for a new pianist. A man walks in and says he is interested in the job. “Fine” says the owner, “let’s hear you play.”
The man proceeds to play a delightful bouncy tune the owner has never heard before, but which he cannot stop himself tapping his foot to. When the man is done the owner says “That was amazing! I don’t recognize that tune, who wrote it?”
“I did!”
“Amazing! What’s it called?”
"That one is “Your tits look so nice bouncing up and down while I fuck you!”
“Oh dear” says the owner “nice tune but we can’t tell people it’s name. Do you have any others?”
The man proceeds to play a beautiful melancholy song which quickly has the owner tearing up. He is transported by the music and finds himself crying nearly uncontrollably at the emotions the music engenders in him. Wiping a tear away, he asks “And what is that one called?”
“That one is “When I fuck you doggy style I remember that the sun will rise tomorrow!””
Distressed, the owner hires the pianist with one caveat- he is never allowed to tell anyone the names of his songs.
Weeks go by and the piano bar fills with customers, all in turns moved to laughter and tears by the wonderful playing. One night a female customer is overcome with passion from listening to the man play. “I want,” she whispers lustily, “to give you a small return for the pleasure you have brought into my life. I will give you the best blow job you have ever had.”
So at the end of his first set the man leads the enthralled fan upstairs to the broom closet, where she undoes his belt and proceeds to take him in her mouth and tenderly and lovingly try to give him a blow-job to match the beauty of the music she has heard.
Meanwhile, downstairs, the crowd is growing restless. Unaccustomed to being denied the talents of the pianist for such a length of time, the usual reverie of the crowd turns to anger. Seeing that things are quickly going south, the owner rushes upstairs and starts banging on the closet door. The pianist lets himself go, finishing the act, then hastily exists the broom closet to be led downstairs. As they rush downstairs, the owner notices that the pianist is in total disarray below the belt. “Hey” he says, “do you know your fly is down, your dick is out, and you’ve got jizz on your pants?”
“Know it?? I fucking WROTE it!!”
An atheist is walking through the woods. He sees a beautiful tree and says “What a triumph of evolution.”
He sees a beautiful fawn. He says “What a triumph of evolution.”
He sees a very large, very hungry black bear. He says, “Oh God.” God replies, “For 60 years you have refused to believe in me. Now you are in trouble and I suppose you want me to save you.”
The atheist says, “OK, God I don’t deserve to be saved. Could you, perhaps, turn the bear into a Christian?”
The bear says, “Bless us, O Lord, for these Thy gifts…”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: ‘Occupation?’
The German replies: ‘No, just a holiday.’
I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
Brilliant.
Scotty was heavily involved with a large, relatively intact salvaged alien device the Enterprise picked up recently. No one knew why it floating in the middle of deep space or what civilization had produced it; some on his team had ventured that it came from another space-time continuum. He hoped that by learning to fully understand what the strange but sophisticated-looking machinery had done, and how it had performed its functions, he could adapt the unique technology to his engines for better efficiency.
Kirk walks in. He amiably asks Scotty if there’s anything in the long, puzzling process he can help with.
Scotty’s furrowed brow relaxes and a broad smile comes over his face. Why, yes, Captain, there is.
He points ahead. Here, in front of me you see two conduits. There is a seemingly identical pair behind me, by the way. You can help me with my current quandary by placing a palm on each one.
Kirk obliges with a smile. Now what?
Greatly pleased, Scotty tells him that he can let go and nothing more is needed from him. Now I know for sure, but I couldn’t take a chance of being wrong. He then turns around and approaches the opposite pair of conduits with his toolbox and a confident smile.
Sure? Sure of what, Scotty?
Pointing ahead, he replies, Now I know for sure that it must be this pair of conduits that carries the lethal electric charge.
That one took me a while, and I have a math degree!
**“I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he has achieved, winning seven Toue de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike”…
~Willie Nelson**
WHY do Italians HATE Jehovah’s Witnesses?
[spoiler]The Witnesses? - Feh!
WE
HATE
EVERYONE!
– Capishe?
[/spoiler]
A man, while playing golf on the front nine of a new club in town. It’s complicated terrain and he became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse 19th Hole where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew her. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help today. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.
“I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
Bumper sticker found on the Grden State Parkway;
Don't like the way I'm driving? THEN STOP WATCHING ME!!!Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Hear about the pshrink whose wife caught him having an affair?
He claimed he couldn’t help it; he was a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body.
A Chinese man is in Scotland sitting at the bar drinking a beer.
The drunk Scot sitting beside him turns to him and says “Hey buddy, you know Karate, Kung-Fu or any of that other Bruce Lee stuff?”
Offended, the Chinese man asks “Why? Just because I’m of asian descent, you immediately assume we’re all martial arts experts, talk with a funny accent, and eat rice every meal?”
“No” replies the Scot, “That’s my beer you’re drinking!”
Hear about The Man on the Flying Trapeze?
He caught his wife in the act!
A Western businessman walks into a bar in Hong Kong and says “Give me a Stoli with a twist!”
The Chinese bartender looks at him and says “Once upon a time, there were four bears…”
A Greek fellow has lunch every day at a nearby Chinese restaurant. Whenever he orders fried rice, the waiter yells “One dish flied lice!” which really pisses off the Greek.
Finally, he grabs the waiter by the front of his shirt one day and says “Hokay, you lissen t’me. I come in here tomorrow, I wanna hear you say ‘fried rice’! Otherwise, I gonna knock yo’ block off!”
The Greek walks in the next day at noon and sits at his usual table. Without waiting to take his order, the waiter turns to the kitchen and yells “One dish fried rice fo’ Gleek plick!”
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one.”
People often accuse me of “stealing others jokes” and being “a plagiarist”. Their words not mine…