I had to Google it. An election campaign from 1840? Not exactly Tonight Show topical, is it? 
Groan! :smack:
Okay, top this one…
Few people nowadays remember that actor Mel Ferrer served in the military during WWII.
Once, when Mel had the barracks duty, he noticed a leaky tap in the latrine. He shut off the water to the sink and disassembled the offending component. A quick look revealed that the washer was shot, and he would have to get a new one from Supply.
So he took the tap with him to the Supply hut, where a pimply-faced private was on duty. Mel told him what he needed and handed over the piece of plumbing for the kid to examine.
“Hmmmmm,” he said. “We have the washer you need, but it’s way in the back. It’s gonna take me an hour or so to dig it out for you.”
So Mel headed for the PX to get a cup of coffee, while the kid rooted around in the storeroom. Box after box of supplies were moved out of the way, but forty-five minutes later he was no closer to finding the washers he needed.
It was then that the base Quartermaster walked in and saw the unholy mess all over his supply room. He walked over to the counter where the tap lay and shouted “What in blazes is this?!?”
The private looked up from where he was digging around in the back room and said…
“Why, that’s Ferrer’s faucet, Major!”
Okay… that’s enough of that.
A man goes to the doctor after feeling very ill for some time. The doctor runs some tests and then says “I’m sorry, Mr Smith, but you’re going to die soon”. Stunned, Mr Smith asks “How long have I got?” “Ten,” says the doctor. “Ten? Ten what? Ten months, ten weeks… surely not ten days!” The doctor shakes his head sadly. “Nine…”
Why aren’t there any knock-knock jokes about Freedom?
Because Freedom rings.
After Al Capone was sent up the river, “Angel of Death” Frank Nitti was all too happy to take over the running of his boss’s operations.
It wasn’t too long before “the boys” came to him with a complaint: they loved their new Thompson submachine guns, but there was a problem. The damned things fired so much ammunition so fast that the breeches were continually clogging up with all sorts of burnt powder and other scuz and guck. This frequently caused them to jam right in the middle of a firefight, rendering the weapons useless.
Frank thought about it for a couple of days, and finally issued an order: every soldier on the street who carried a Thompson should wrap a long piece of cloth around his wrist so it would be handy in the event of a jam. They could then wipe the guns clean and carry on firing in just a few seconds.
This idea proved extremely popular with the troops and spread like wildfire. Pretty soon, every gangster in Chicago with a Tommy gun could be seen with a long rag tied around his wrist, and in honor of its creator it quickly became known as…
the Nitti gritty dirt band.
Three explorers had arrived in Africa to explore territory that had never been seen by Europeans before. Immediately upon arrival, they enlisted the services of a native to translate for them and another native to act as a guide. After a few days, they had organized their supplies and secured trhe services of porters. They were ready at last!
Off they went into the jungle! They had a few days of travel before they got to the area they wished to explore. The travel went smoothly and uneventfully.
The day dawned when they began to travel into the unknown jungle. After a few hours travel, their guide got very excited upon seeing something on the ground. The three explorers and their translator hurried over to see what was the matter. The translator explained, “He says that this is the mark of the Fabulous Foo Bird! They are very rarely seen! They are very lucky!”
The explorers chuckled to themselves at the natives’ superstitions and the safari moved on. After awhile, they heard a horrible squawking from the air above them. As they looked up to see what it was, the sun was briefly hidden as an enormous bird flew overhead. As they were staring, there was a loud squelching sound, followed by cries of disgust from the senior explorer. The other turned to see that he was covered with bird poop. The guide got even more excited when he saw this and began gesturing frantically at the explorer. The translator said, “That was the Fabulous Foo Bird! He says you must not wipe this off! If you leave it on and do not wash it off, you will receive untold wealth and fortune. But he says if you wipe it off, you will die horribly!”
“Nonsense!” said the explorer. He disgustedly cleaned himself up, all the while grumbling about superstitions. The natives began murmuring. They were very nervous. A short time later, the senior explorer was clean and still very much alive. “There! You see? Nothing to worry about!” he said. Three steps later he fell over dead, his body rotting away.
After the shock died down, the guide looked somewhat smug.
The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the second explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. “Poppycock!” said the second explorer. “That was a coincidence. I am not going to trek through Africa coated in bird droppings becuase of some silly superstition!” He proceeded to clean himself off, but wasn’t even finished before he collapsed dead into a pile of dust.
After the shock died down, the guide again looked somewhat smug.
The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the youngest (and only remaining) explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. The nervouse young explorer decided to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state. This met with great approval by the natives.
The expedition continued and proved to be a smashing success, with great discoveries. The young explorer recived incredible accolades and lived a very long and wealthy life.
From then on, enterprising explorers were always given this sage advice: if the foo shits, wear it.
There was once a man who was a Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee. This man, who was a Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee, had a brother who wasn’t.
One day, the brother of the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee had nothing to do, so he decided to spend the afternoon at the circus. He bought a ticket, went in, found a front-row seat, and sat down.
At exactly one o’clock, the house lights went down and a spotlight came on. The orchestra played a rousing fanfare as a clown stepped into the middle of the center ring. He was your typical, average circus clown, dressed in a baggy outfit, enormous floppy shoes, a funny wig, and a big red nose.
The clown wasted no time in making a beeline for where the brother of the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee sat.
“Tell me, sir,” said the clown, “are you the rear end of an ass?”
The brother of the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee thought for a moment and shook his head no.
“Well, then, tell me this: Are you the front end of an ass?”
Again, the brother of the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee thought for a moment and shook his head no.
“Well, then, sir,” continued the clown, “I submit you must be no end of an ass!” He turned and waved grandly to the crowd, and everyone laughed and applauded.
This really pissed off the brother of the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee, and when the show was over he went straight home and told his brother what had happened.
The next day, the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee himself went to the same circus, bought a ticket, found the same front-row seat, and sat down.
Sure enough, at exactly one o’clock, the lights went out, the spotlight came on, the fanfare sounded and the same clown stepped into the center ring. Once again, he made a beeline for the seat in which the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee was sitting.
“Tell me, sir,” said the clown to the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee, “are you the rear end of an ass?”
The Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee thought for a moment and shook his head no.
“Well, then, tell me this: Are you the front end of an ass?”
Again, the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee thought a moment and shook his head no.
“Well, then, sir,” continued the clown, “I submit you must be no end of an ass!” Once again, he turned and waved grandly to the crowd as everyone laughed and applauded.
At this point, the Master of Gay Wit and Ready Repartee stood up, looked haughtily down at the clown, and said…
"FUCK OFF, YOU RED-NOSED CUNT!"
And you were expecting something really great, WEREN’T YOU? 
Centuries ago, Alexander the Great was busily conquering everything in sight, but his plans hit a snag because his armies were getting too big to manage - he couldn’t get orders relayed quickly enough to attack with coordination, or arrange for the two wings of his army to arrive at the same place at the same time. What he needed was a means of telling what o’clock it was, which was very difficult because the clock had not been invented yet.
He ordered his wise men to come up with a solution, and being great Greek scientists and philosophers that is exactly what they did - a solution of dyes and secret chemicals, as mysterious as Greek Fire in its compounding, which would bleach white over the course of a day in a reliable and predictable manner. By issuing a previously dyed strip of cloth with successive hours of the day (calibrated by sundial) marked off in successively lighter shades of purple, Alexander could ensure that his commanders had something to compare their newly-dipped linen armbands from sunrise onwards. In short, they had something like a pocketwatch centuries ahead of its time!
The secret of this invention, sadly, died along with its instigator when Alexander met his tragically early end, and nothing survives of it but the rumour of its name:
Alexander’s Rag Timeband
Jimmy Stewart, The Tonight Show, sometime back in the … '70s?
Sven and Ole are out strolling through Midwestern farmland when they spy their neighbors Hajukewicz and Kramarczuk sitting in a boat in the middle of a freshly plowed field with their fishing poles out.
“Y’know,” says Sven, “we really ought to tell them they ain’t gonna catch anything out there.”
“Yeah, sure!” scoffs Ole. “You can go tell them if you want, but I ain’t gonna swim all the way out there!”
Hajukewicz and Kramarczuk are down in a dark basement with their flashlights.
Hajukewicz shines his into a corner of the ceiling and says “Hey, I’ll bet you can’t walk all the way up there on this light beam!”
“Sure I can,” says Kramarczuk. “But if I know you, you’ll switch it off as soon as I get up there!”
There were three little old ladies living together. Everything was fine for years. Then the ladies all started to court gentleman friends. They were all doing well together. There was only one problem, all of the gentleman were named George. So every time the phone rang the ladies were not sure which George was calling whom. So they sat down in the parlor, and decided to make things easier in the house they would each give their friend nicknames. After a while they decided that they would name their gentleman friends after “soda pop”. After a bit the first little old lady said she would call her friend “Dr. Pepper”. The other ladies asked her why “Dr. Pepper”? She said because he was good with his hands. They all got quite a giggle out of that. The second little old lady decided that she would name her beau “7 UP”. Again the other two asked her why? She told them that her man was always’ up! They all got a big laugh out of that. The third little old lady said she wasn’t quite sure what to call her man. So the other two agreed that it would be best to sleep on it and announce her man’s name the next day. Well they were both anxiously awaiting what the third little old lady was going to call her friend. She announced that she was going to name her man “Jack Daniels”. The other two immediately protested, saying she couldn’t do that because, “Jack Daniels” was a liquor! The little old lady said “Well, yeah.”
A woman decides to have a facelift and boob job for her birthday.
She spends $8000 and feels very good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, “I guess about 29.” " Nope, I’m 47."
Now, she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but, thank you.”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?” He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 47.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “Promise,” she says.
He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
About 12 seconds. Anyone who still hasn’t gotten it yet, think of homonyms.
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
One dark night, two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” – the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
Mr. Magoo walks into a bartender.
Mr. Magoo? If you don’t know him here are some Youtube videos.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mr+magoo&search=Search
A similar joke:
A family is visiting a farm and the young son is running around looking at the animals and asking questions.
Then one of the things he sees is a horse pissing. So he runs over to his mother and “Mommy, what’s that?”
The mother is embarrassed so she evades the question.
“That’s a horse, dear.”
“No, mommy, I mean what’s that big thing underneath the horse where the water’s coming out?”
“Ummm… that’s nothing, dear. Why don’t you go look at the ducks?”
Well, the boy wasn’t satisfied with this answer so on his way towards the ducks, he encounters his father and asks him.
“Daddy, do you see the horse?”
“Yes, son.”
“What’s that big thing underneath it?”
“That’s the horse’s penis, son.”
“Oh…then why did Mommy say it was nothing?”
“Well, son, I’ve spoiled your mother.”
“Mommy, how do lions make love?”
“I don’t know, dear. Most of your father’s friends are Rotarians.”