With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends.
Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.
A guy is standing on his balcony in a high rise when an object the size of a hailstone falls out of the sky. On reflex, he reaches out and grabs it.
It turns out to be a glass eye. He leans over the railing and sees a woman waving at him from a few floors up.
He takes the elevator and arrives at the door to her apartment. She opens the door and is drop-dead gorgeous.
“Oh, thank you SO much!” she gushes. “Come on in, have a glass of wine with me!”
They go into her apartment. She pops the prosthesis back into its socket and opens a bottle of red.
She hands him his glass and says “Make yourself comfortable on the couch. I’ll be right back!”
She disappears into the bedroom and comes out a few minutes later in a flimsy negligee. Then she curls up on the couch and starts nuzzling the guy’s neck.
He stares at her in disbelief. “Tell me,” he says, “do you come on like this to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she purrs. “Just to those who catch my eye!”
Vladimir Putin, frustrated as he tries to govern Russia, is visited by the ghost of Stalin. Stalin says, “I have some advice for you. Have your top one hundred political opponents put to death, and paint the Kremlin walls hot pink.”
Putin asks, “Why pink?”
Stalin laughs and says, “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first thing.”
Like the engineer, mathematician and logician who take the train up to Scotland for a holiday. As the pass over the border the pass a field full of highland cattle.
The engineer says, “Hey, look the cows in Scotland are all brown.”
The mathematician says, “No, but you can say that at least some of the cows in Scotland are brown.”
And the logician says, “No. I’ll allow that at least one side of some of the cows in Scotland are brown.”
A Jewish guy is rescued after spending 20 years on a desert island. Before returning to civilization, he insists on showing the captain of the steamer around his settlement.
The captain is duly impressed with everything the guy has accomplished, but at one point is taken aback.
“Tell me,” he says, “do I see two Jewish synagogues over there?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I thought you said you were alone on the island?”
“I am.”
“Well then, how come there are two synagogues?”
“See that one there? That’s the one I don’t go to.”
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are discussing whether it’s better to have a wife, or a girlfriend.
The doctor says, “A wife is better. Studies show married men live longer. You grow old together. A wife is better”.
The lawyer says, “No, a girlfriend is better. It’s no-strings. If it doesn’t work out, you draw up a new contract with someone else. A girlfriend is better”.
The engineer says, “Actually, it’s best to have a wife and a girlfriend”.
The doctor and lawyer look at him, surprised.
The engineer explains, “You tell your girlfriend you’re with your wife. You tell your wife you’re with your girlfriend. Then you can go to the lab and get some work done”.
