How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort? Enough to kill two and a half men. 
Isaac, a nice little old Jewish man, is walking through a Berlin park in 1934. Suddenly a big black limousine pulls up beside him, and Heinrich Himmler jumps out. He points a Luger pistol at Isaac and barks, “Jewish swine! Eat that dogshit on the sidewalk!” The man sees the Gestapo chief is dead serious, so he reluctantly gets down on his hands and knees and starts eating the dogshit.
Himmler laughs so hard he drops his gun. Isaac immediately picks up the gun, and says, “OK, Mr. Big Shot, now YOU eat the dogshit!”
Himmler swears a blue streak but gets down on his hands and knees and starts eating the dogshit. Isaac waits until Himmler’s finished, then knocks him out with the butt of the gun and runs back home.
His wife lets him in. “So, how was your day?” she asks.
He shrugs. “I’ve had better. But you’ll never believe who I had lunch with…”
A concentration camp commandant addresses his inmates one morning after roll call:
“Ve haff gut news. Today iss Change Underwear Day! Ze prisoners in Barrack A vill change underwear mit prisoners in Barrack B!”
How many senior vice presidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Can’t we push it out to the cloud?
God appears up in the sky in all his glory, and announces in a deep resonate voice, “I have decided that this experiment is a failure, and therefore I am going to destroy the world at 5:00 PM this coming Friday.”
Of course the Media is all over this, and the next morning the first page of the New York Times has this notice, “World to end Friday. Details on page 67”.
The Wall Street Journal reports, “World to end Friday. Markets to close early.”
And the Washington Post reports “World to end Friday. Women and minorities hurt hardest.”
A tough guy applies for a job with the CIA.
His interviewer says, “Congratulations, you’ve passed the written portion of your examination with flying colors. Now, there are three doors on the other side of this room. Behind the first door is a table with a large bottle of bourbon. You have to drink all the bourbon at once to show that you can hold your liquor and still work effectively. Behind the second door is a tiger and a length of rope. You have to wrestle the tiger and tie it up to demonstrate your strength and persistence. Behind the third door is a beautiful woman on a bed. You have to make love to her and make her come at least twice, to prove that you can use sex as a means of gathering intelligence. Ready? Begin!”
The tough guy goes into the first room and knocks down the bourbon, all of it, glug glug glug. Then he goes into the second room, and the interviewer hears the tiger roaring and thrashing around.
The tough guy emerges after half an hour, covered in scars, and says [slur your words when you tell this joke], “OK, where’s the broad you want tied up?”
A Native American boy goes up to the local medicine man and asks how he goes about his duty of choosing names for newborns.
“I go by first thing I see after child,” he replies. "If I walk out of lodge and see trees swaying, I name him ‘Wind in Pines.’ If I see streak of light in sky, I name him "Falling Star.’ If I see waves on lake, I name him "Dancing Water.’
“But tell me: why you ask me this, Two Dogs Fucking?”
Indian brave. Test of manhood. Drink firewater, deflower virgin, kill bear. 
A businessman is flying First Class on a sparkling new Boeing 747.
The pilot comes on the PA system and says, “Um, well, sorry, folks, but we’re having a little engine problem here, so I’m doing to have to shut down one of the engines. We’ll be 15 minutes late, but don’t worry, we’ll arrive safely in Houston.”
A few minutes later, the pilot comes back on to say, “Ladies and gentlemen, a little red light on my control panel is telling me we’re having a problem with a second engine. So I’m going to shut it down too, but don’t worry, we still have enough power to make it to our destination in style. We will, unfortunately, now be half an hour late.”
Time passes, and the pilot comes back on. “Well, folks, wouldn’t you know it, a third engine is conking out, so I’m shutting it down, and I’m sorry to tell you we’ll now be 45 minutes late.”
The businessman turns to his seatmate and says, “Just watch. He’ll lose another engine, and we’ll be a whole fucking hour late to Houston!”
A man noticed a poster on the wall as he checked into a first class hotel. The posted advertised in room massage by a beautiful, petite young Asian lady. He noticed her delicate small hands and decided he need to set an appointment.
At the appointed time, there was a knock on his door. The young lady was everything the poster promised. She was slim, delicate and very beautiful. He quickly stripped and climbed under the sheet while she heated some fragrant oils. The young lady started slowly massaging his chest. It was heavenly. Soon, the young lady noticed a bulge growing under the sheet. She watched as the bulge became a pole and rose several inches above his loins.
She nudged the man, giggling and pointing to his crotch, while gesturing up and down with a closed fist asking…"you want wacky wacky? “Oh baby yes,” he responded. “Okay, I be right back” she said as she went into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly open.
His anticipation grew as he wondering what clothing she was removing, and how wonderful her delicate hands would feel. After a few minutes, she peeked out of the door and asked, “You all done wacky wacky now?”
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Two drunks are sitting at a bar.
One drunk says “Oh, crap! Therssa fly in my drink!”
His buddy leans over for a better look. “Isha ladybug,” he says.
The first drunk peers closely at the insect. “Damn!” he says. “You got good eyesight!”
-
Man walks into psychotherapist’s consulting room, naked but wrapped from head to foot in cling film. The doctor says: “Hmmm, I can clearly see your nuts!”.
-
Question: What did the Mexican fire chief call his two sons?
Answer: Hose and hose B.
A man comes home and finds his girlfriend walking out the door with her suitcase.
He says, “Honey, what’s wrong?”
Girl says, “All the neighbors say you’re a pedophile!”
Guy says, “Nonsense! How do you even know what that means? That’s a mighty big word for a 6-year old.”
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress.
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp. After paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
What is the motto of the Mexican-American Optometrists’ Friendship Organization?
“Jose, can you see?”
(From the papacy of John Paul II)
Did you hear about the Polish Pope’s latest miracle? He made a blind man lame.
Two drunks are walking down the street in New York.
One disappears down a Subway entrance and reemerges a couple of blocks later.
“Hey!” says his buddy. “Where the hell did you go?”
“I was in some guy’s basement,” he replies. “And boy, does he have one helluva set of electric trains!”
(also from that era):
Q: What do you call a Polish guy with a $600 hat?
A: Your holiness
What does Michael Buble do when he really needs to get away from it all?
He takes a Buble bath