Drunk guy walks up to a cop and says, “Shomeone shtole my car!”
Officer says, “Where did you see it last?”
“It was right on the end of this key!”
The cop says, “Alright, well you better go on down to the precint house, they’ll give you all the proper forms and such so you can make a report.” The drunk turns to stagger off and the cop adds, “Hang on! Before you go, you better zip up that fly!”
“Aww, man. They got my girl too!”
Similar quip made by a friend of mine some time ago. Mary, her husband Jim (my friend), and I are talking about Christianity with a non-Christian. Mary is explaining the difference between Protestants and Catholics.
Mary: “… and, then, another difference is that Protestants don’t recognize the Pope.”
Jim: “Wait a minute? How do you not recognize the Pope? Little old man, big funny hat? You can’t miss him.”
It’s nighttime on the ocean, in dense fog. The captain of an aircraft carrier is told by his radar operator that there’s a contact dead ahead. The captain gets on the radio and says, “Unidentified contact, please veer to starboard. We will maintain our course and pass you.”
The reply comes back, “Negative, you veer to starboard, please.”
The captain says, “Uh, negative, we will not. Veer to starboard, please. We will not ask again.”
“Sorry, but you must change course.”
The captain tightens his grip on the mike and says, “This is the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan, over 1,000 feet long, displacing more than 100,000 tons, with a ship’s crew of over 3,000 and an air wing of 2,400, carrying 90 warplanes and helicopters, not to mention the two cruisers and three destroyers in our battle group. I have the right of way and I demand that you change course immediately!”
The reply crackles back, “This is the Cape Thomas Lighthouse. Your call.”
How do you know ET was a Catholic?
Because he looked like a Catholic
This Catholic doesn’t get it. 
I think it’s just an absurd answer. Could have been “…a Boy Scout,” or “…a Pink Floyd fan,” or anything else.
Well it works on that level definitely but also plays on the notion that Catholics and Protestants (in Ireland at least) look different from each other, eyes closer together or further apart.
Years ago, the Computer Museum was in Boston, and they had a competition - the Computer Bowl. Two teams, East Coast vs West Coast. I was working for Forrester Research and the head of it was recruited to be on the East Coast team, and I was appointed to help prepare him for the event. That was one of the questions. And nobody on either team got it either.
I’m reminded of this Daily Show classic from right at the beginning of the the US involvement in Afghanistan.
Have you guys heard the joke without a punchline?
…
Ah, thanks. Is that meme an indirect commentary on the (as it seems to many) absurdity of two groups fighting each other that are, appearance-wise, so hard to tell apart? Or do many people reallybelieve that Irish Cathlocs tend to have more widely-spaced eyes than Irish Protestants?
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing near Transylvania.
They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried.
“Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!"
Jesus has been crucified and is hanging on the cross. He calls out feebly to the Apostles gathered, weeping, below him. “Peter! Peter!” Jesus says.
“Yes, Lord!” replies Peter, through his bitter tears.
“Peter, come closer,” says Jesus. “I need to tell you something.”
Peter stands on his tiptoes to get as close to Jesus as he can. “I’m here, Lord. What is it?”
“Peter? Can you hear me?”
“Yes, Lord,” the Apostle says, weeping. “I’m right here.”
Jesus smiles a little. “Peter… I can see your house from here!”
I occasionally make short (cryptic) notes to remind me of jokes I want to tell to others. Sometimes they are TOO short. Can anyone remember this one:
At the time, I thought it was hilarious.
Jesus goes into an inn, puts three nails down on the counter, and asks the innkeeper “Can you put me up for the night?”
Q: Why did the blonde go to church?
A: She heard there was a guy in there (hold arms out in the position of Jesus on the cross) hung like this
Bing search for “who said he wanted to 100 80” returned this:
A priest is walking along a fishing pier.
A fisherman greets him, “Hey Father! Ever been fishing?”
The priest admits he hasn’t.
“Well, would you like to give it a try?” He sets up a pole and shows the priest how to cast it.
A short time later, the priest feels a tug on the line - he’s caught something! The fisherman helps him reel it in, and as a large fish emerges from the water, the excited fisherman exclaims,
“Whoa, look at the size of that son of a bitch!”
The priest frowns and wags his finger. “Language, young man!”, he admonishes.
The embarrassed fisherman tries to recover: “Oh, no, Father” he stammers. “You see, that’s what this fish is called. It’s biological name is… son of a bitch”.
“Really?”, the priest asks. The fisherman nods.
“Well, then”, the priest declares, “I’ll take this son of a bitch to the church for dinner!”
The priest arrives at the church and shows the fish to the bishop.
“Bishop, look at this son of a bitch I caught!”
“Father!”, exclaims the bishop. “Language!”
“Oh, no, Bishop. You see, that’s the biological name of this fish. It’s called a son of a bitch. A fisherman explained it to me”.
“Oh”, says the bishop. “Well then, I’ll clean this son of a bitch, and we’ll have it for dinner”.
Later the bishop takes the cleaned fish to the Mother Superior and proudly declares, “Mother Superior, look at this son of a bitch the Father caught!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror. “Bishop! Language!”
The Bishop explains things to the Mother Superior, who announces, “Well, I’ll cook up this son of a bitch and we’ll all have it for dinner”.
Just as they’re about to sit down to dine, who happens to enter the church but His Holiness the Pope. The Father, the Bishop and the Mother Superior are of course surprised, honored, and thrilled beyond words. They invite the pope to join them for dinner.
After they’ve finished eating, the Pope speaks.
“That was a delicious dinner. And where”, he asks “did you get that magnificent fish?”
"I caught the son of a bitch, says the priest.
"And I cleaned the son of a bitch, says the bishop.
"And I cooked the son of a bitch, says the Mother Superior.
The pope doesn’t respond, but stares intently at each of them for a long time.
Then, the pope takes off his mitre, puts his feet up on the table, and lights a cigarette.
“You know”, the pope says, smiling, “You fuckers are all right”.
What do lesbians use for lubrication? Tartar sauce.
A Catholic school teacher in Mexico is prepping her primary pupils prior to a visit by an American bishop.
“Now then,” she says. “When the bishop comes in, I want you all to say your name, spell a word, and sit down.” She looks at one little boy in particular. “And when we come to you, Jesus Christ, I want you to say your name is JC Gonzales.”
The bishop arrives and the kids introduce themselves one by one. Finally, it’s Jesus’s turn.
“My name is JC Gonzales and I am going to spell ‘hippopotamus.’”
The teacher says “Jesus Christ, you know you can’t spell that word!”
The bishop says “Well, goddammit, let him try!”
Richard Nixon is walking the halls of the White House, wondering what will happen to him over Watergate. He talks to the portraits on the walls and asks for advice.
He hears the portrait of George Washington say, “Always tell the truth, be of bedrock integrity, and do what you think is right for your country.”
The portrait of Andrew Jackson says, “Don’t back away from a fight, and don’t let Congress try to push you around.”
The portrait of Abraham Lincoln says, “You look pretty worn out. You should relax - why not go to the theater?”