That’s it!. Thank you. If I had capitalized and punctuated my phrase after the numbers, I probably could have remembered it.
Some spam from my Facebook feed:
“Let me tell you about Ranji. He’s eleven years old and lives in Namibia. He has only one leg and one arm and one eye. To get to school, he has to travel seven miles each way on a hilly dirt road, on a rusty bicycle with a bent wheel and only one pedal. Please send $2.00, a mere pittance, via PayPal to (this address) and we’ll send you a link to the video. It’s fucking hilarious.”
I heard this from a man in his 70’s while I was waiting in my medical marijuana office.
Why was the blonde snorting sweet-n-low? She thought it was diet coke.
One I heard on the radio and used on Mrs. Cad
This Christmas we decided to donate our old clothes to a women’s shelter and I was charged with finding one in our area. She asked if I found one
<me> Yes, it’s called Tempura House
<her> Really?
<me> Yes. It’s for lightly battered women.
<her> :^|
Why was the blonde staring at a can of orange juice? Because the label said “Concentrate.”
What did the blonde write on her vacation postcards? “Having a wonderful time. Where am I?”
What did the blonde say when she was asked to become a Jehovah’s Witness? “But I didn’t even see the accident!”
I met a woman at a bar who told me she managed a women’s shelter. I told her this joke. My brain kept screaming “This is inappropriate!” But, I carried on, and it turns out, it really was inappropriate. Still a good joke though.
Bob was the best fisherman in town, always bringing in the limit. Tom, the local game warden, asks if he can tag along one day to study his technique. Bob agrees and the next morning they set off fishing. As soon as they reach their spot, Bob pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and tosses it overboard. The water erupts with an explosion and all around them are dead fish. As Bob is selecting the fish he wants to keep, Tom starts screaming “Jesus Christ Bob, do you know how many laws you just broke! I can’t believe you would do this right in front of a game warden!”
Bob reaches over, lights another stick of dynamite, tosses it on Tom’s lap and says “You gonna bitch, or you gonna fish?”
Stephen Fry told this one on QI the other night.
A guy goes up to woman at a party, looks her straight in the eye and says:
“Can I smell your pussy?”
“What?! No!”
“Must be your feet, then.”
I first read it in “Mathematical Magic Show”, one of the compilations of Martin Gardner’s columns. It’s in the chapter titled The Cocktail Cherry and Other Problems, from the column of the same name. Solomon W. Golomb is credited. The answers in that chapter were my source for the fact that they also equal “Nov. 27”. According to this index, the column is from the December 1967 Scientific American.
You pour water on the floor and pretend it’s an Irish lake? Kinky…but I like it!
I’ve read and reread this one many a time, but still laugh till I cry.
To be read with an Italian accent:
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.
Ina morning I go to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want to piss.
She says go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tella me everyone wanna fock.
I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.
She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don’t even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed.
I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit.
He tella me to go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed.
He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I don’t even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: “Peace on you.”
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.
I gonna back to Italy.
It’s the height of the Iraqi war. A new recruit reports for duty to his sergeant. Sarge fills him in on a lot of details about their mission and asks the new guy if he has any questions.
“Yes, sir,” the new guy says. “I’ve been looking around, and it’s just impossible to tell the terrorists from the civilians here. How can I tell them apart so I won’t shoot anybody who doesn’t deserve it.”
“Simple,” says Sarge. “When you see someone who looks like he might be up to no good, you just shout ‘TO HELL WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN.’ If he tries to kill you, he’s a terrorist.”
So Sarge sends the new guy out on his first patrol. In short time, he gets separated from his unit, and he’s wandering around the streets of Baghdad alone and scared to death.
As he walks down a narrow, dark, nearly empty street trying to find his unit, he sees a nervous looking Iraqi who keeps staring at him.
The new guy shouts, “TO HELL WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN!!!”
The Iraqi shouts, “TO HELL WITH GEORGE BUSH!!!”
And while they’re standing in the middle of the street smiling and shaking hands, a Hummer runs over them.
For some reason all the characters in this joke have stereotypical Italian accents.
Three men arrive together at the pearly gates. St Peter asks them all how they got there.
The first guy says, “Well, I’m just coming home from work and I smell da cigar smoke. I say to myself, I don’t smoke the cigar, my wife, she don’t smoke the cigar. Then I figure, aha! My wife, she’s-a been cheatin’ on me. So I look everywhere, but I don’t see the guy. I look in the closet, under the bed, nothin’! Then I hear a noise outside the window, and I see a man hanging off the window ledge. I yell at him, ‘You bastard, you sleepin’ with my wife, I gonna kill you!’ So I bash on his fingers with a hammer till he falls down to the ground. But I see he’s still alive, so I pick up the refrigerator and drop it out the window on him. Then I had a heart attack from all that exertion and I died.”
Second guy says. “I’m a window washer. I was-a washing windows on a building when the tether broke. I think I’m gonna fall down and die, but I manage to catch onto a window ledge. Then this madman appears at the window, shouting ‘You bastard, you sleepin’ with my wife, I gonna kill you!’ He bashed on my fingers with a hammer and I fell down, but I was still alive. Then the lunatic drops a refrigerator on me and I died.”
The third guy says, with great indignation, “I was just-a mindin’ my own-a business, smokin’ a cigar in the refrigerator…”
It’s a bit of both. Some people in the north claim people look one way or the other.
What’s a dung beetle’s favorite pick-up line? “Excuse me, honey, but is this stool taken?”
Two hunters came across some tracks and immediately started arguing about what sort of tracks they were. One claimed they were deer track and the other claimed they were rabbit tracks. While they sttod there arguing, they were run over by a train.
A man comes home from work to find his naked wife sliding up and down the bannister. “What are you doing?” he askes. His wife replies “Warming up your dinner.”
A [INSERT FAVORITE ETHNIC GROUP HERE] hunter comes across a clearing where a beautiful woman is sunbathing in the nude.
“Are you game?” he asks.
“Sure am!” she replies with a wink.
So he shot her. 
A JEDR (Joke Ethnic Designation or Religion) falls in love with a pretty young WASP and after a while they decide to get married. On her wedding day the WASP’s mother takes her aside and tells her that, though her family have decided she is old enough to make up her own mind about who to marry, she should know that JEDRs have some very strange bedroom practices, and in particular, if her beloved ever asks her to “turn over”, she should not do it. “It’s painful and degrading,” warns her mother, “and it will harm your marriage.”
All is well for at least a year and the pair are as happy as can be. Then one night as they are starting to get hot and heavy, the JEDR husband says “Why’n’t you turn over honey?”. Immediately she bursts into tears: “How could you? My mother warned me about this, she told me all JEDRs are the same, and I thought she was wrong, I thought you loved me and respected me, and now you want me to ‘turn over’? You beast!”
The husband is confused. “But honey,” he says, “I just thought you might want children some time!”
Thanks.
The CIA has a rigorous process for evaluating potential agents. The final step of this process is a loyalty test. Potential agents are informed that their spouse is sitting in the next room. They are then handed a gun and told that if they truly want to dedicate their lives to the CIA, they needed to go into the next room and shoot their spouse. What the potential agents do not know is that the gun is loaded with blanks.
Three candidates come down for the test. The first is a newlywed, the second has been married five years, and the third has been married twenty years.
The first candidate, upon hearing the assignment, flatly refuses and storms out of the room.
The second candidate takes the gun and goes into the next room where his wife is waiting. After about a 1/2 hour he comes out, very emotional, tears streaming down his face. He hands the gun back and says that he isn’t cut out to be an agent.
The third candidate takes the gun and goes into the next room where his wife is waiting. Shots ring out almost immediately. After that, a terrible commotion is heard. Finally, he comes back out, hands the gun back, and says, “I missed, so I had to beat her to death with a chair.”