Why do WASP women always have crow’s feet? From frowning whenever they say “Suck what?!?”
Why does a bride always smile as she walks down the aisle? Because she knows she’s given her last blow job.
During WWII, an American pilot stationed in Britain fell in love with one of the WRENs on his base… and as soon as the war was over they decided to marry.
Now, it turned out that she was from some minor nobility, so there was a lot of detail to memorize and pomp to go through, and it made our hero a bit nervous; so he turned to the British sergeant he knew from the war and asked him to go through the routine with him.
So the sergeant tells him – “don’t worry, the family will take care of everything; you just enjoy the evening and do as your told.
The only part you have to remember is after the ceremony, which will be on the Family grounds, you will be given adjoining rooms in a private section of the house.
Once you’ve given her a bit of time to settle in, you should go to the adjoining door, knock on it, and declare ‘I offer my honour’.
She will response to you: ‘I honour your offer.’ You open the door and go in.”
The pilot asks “And then, what happens next?”
And the sergeant says Well, I reckon that then it will be on 'er and off 'er all night…
A priest and a lawyer both die and go to heaven. When the lawyer arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter gives him a large white limousine which will drive him to his spacious mansion filled with cooks and gardeners and servants who will see to his every need. When the priest arrives, Saint Peter gives him an old bicycle and directs him to his small house, which is little more than a ramshackle shack.
The priest complains, “My Lord, I have served you all my days. Why are you giving me a bicycle and a ramshackle shack, when you gave the lawyer a limousine and a mansion?”
Saint Peter looks at the priest and says, "My son, we have millions of priests here. But this is our very first lawyer!"
The butt of many of my cousin’s jokes is a Person of a Certain Ethnic Persuasion. Or perhaps you prefer:
Q: What does a Spoiled Young Woman of a Certain Ethno-Religious Background think as she’s having sex?
A: “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige…”
Have you read the book called, “Damn it, Jim!”
It’s by Ima Doktor and Nada Bricklayer.
There’s a long line at the airport of people waiting to get their boarding passes, and a well-dressed gentleman walks up to the line and cuts in front.
The lady behind the counter says, in her best customer-service voice, “I’m sorry, sir, there’s already a queue behind you waiting.”
The man starts getting indignant. “Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”
The lady gets on the PA. “Attention, everybody. We have a gentleman here at the Delta Airlines counter who does not know who he is. If anyone can identify this gentleman, please make your way to the Delta Airlines counter.”
Everyone in line starts laughing, and the man turns beet-red. He leans over to the lady and says, “Fuck you.”
Without missing a beat, the lady replies in the most friendly customer-service voice possible: “I’m sorry, sir. You’ll have to wait in line for that, too.”
Here’s the way I heard it:
God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the Chinese Chairman, and Bill Gates, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks. The President goes on TV and tells the people: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that THERE IS A GOD! and He has made himself known to me. The bad news is he’s destroying the world in two weeks.”
The chairman goes on TV and tells his people: “I
have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is that God exists. The terrible news is that He is
going to destroy the world in two weeks.”
Bill Gates assembles all of his Microsoft employees together in Redmond and addresses them. “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that the world is going to end in two weeks. The good news is that God thinks that I’m one of the three most important men in the world.”
Similarly…
He offered his honor
She honored his offer
So all night long
He was on her and off her
Nitpick (this being the Dope and all): on an Air Force base she would have been a WAAF. WRENs are Navy (my cousin was one, tho’ not during the war).
What’s a pronoun?
A noun that has lost its amateur status.
… waitaminnit! How do you slide UP a bannister?
What’s her favorite position? Over the checkbook.
What’s her second favorite position? Facing Bloomingdale’s.
When does it get really HOT in her bedroom? When the air conditioning breaks.
What’s her idea of perfect sex? Simultaneous headaches.
How does she cheat on her husband? She has a headache with the mailman.
What’s the difference between her and a toilet? A toilet doesn’t have droopy boobs.
What’s another difference between her and a toilet? A toilet doesn’t follow you around after you’re through using it.
How does she entertain? With a little whine and cheese.
Far out! Now my next one is about playing five card stud!
Q: What has four legs and chases cats?
A: Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.
Better as a spoken than a written joke, obviously.
What’s big and green and has wheels?
A golf course - I lied about the wheels.
One from Cad Jr.
I have six legs, four arms and am green. What am I?
A liar
Awesome!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
A man looks glum, his friend asks what’s wrong.
The man says “I got a call from some guy, he said to stop sleeping with his wife or he’d kill me.”
Friend “Oh, that’s too bad.”
Man: “The worst part is, he didn’t say who his wife was.”