Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
802

Jesus had been preaching, teaching and healing for several months and his robe was getting pretty shabby looking. So he went to Moishe’s shop and asked to buy a new one. Moishe measured Jesus and came up with a very nice looking garment. Jesus asked, “How much do I owe you”? Moishe said, “Rabbi, for you it’s free, but I ask that if anyone wants to know where you got your fine new robe, would you please mention my name”.

So Jesus did just that and pretty soon Moishe’s business had grown so much, he had to hire more help. When Jesus came by again, Moishe thanked him over and over again and asked if he’d like to be his partner. Jesus agreed and said they should call the new business, Jesus and Moishe. Moishe protested and said he’d be doing most of the work, so they should call it Moishe and Jesus. They discussed the matter for a while and then came up with a name that pleased them both…

Lord and Taylor

803

I thought I heard crickets… the silence was deafening!

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man with a beard that reaches the floor answers. The traveler asks if he might stay the night, and the old Chinese man agrees – as long as he doesn’t screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and old man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Later that evening, after he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her and sneaks back to his room.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, “First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest.” Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading “Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock.” Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, “Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post.”

804

Three village women are walking home from the market in the neighboring town.

They come upon an accident. An ox-cart has been upset, the driver thrown and is quite dead as the startled oxen had stomped on this head and face. He was unrecognizable.

The women were horrified but the first woman thought she recognized the man’s clothing and began wailing that the dead man might be her husband.

She decided to examine his penis. just make sure. After opening the poor man’s trousers and looking, she said “No no! This is not my husband.”

The second woman said “You’re right. It is not your husband.”

The third woman said “He’s not even from our village!”

805

A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string, and he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby “I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here.” She glares at him and replies “get outta here. you’re too young to be here.” The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says “look, lady- I’m paid. Let me do what I want.”

She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. “Meet Evelynn, she’s a veteran.” He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, “Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I’ve gotten what I wanted.” Confused, she asks him why.

He replies,

“My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That’s what she’s into. She’s going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman… and HE’s the motherfucker who ran over my frog.”

806

This one is much better told than written, but…

Two whales are sitting in a bar. The first whale turns to the second and says,

“Arooooouu. Teeeeert, teeeeert. Wheeeewa. Yirt yirt yirt. Beeeeeoup. Awhoo, awhooooooo. Kik. Kikkik. (more onomatopoeic whale sounds, for as long as you can keep it up before your listeners get bored)”

So then the second whale looks at the first and says,

(big pause)

“What?”

807

I say, I say, I say, Why is it impossible to surprise a snowman?

He has ice in the back of his head.

How does the Mummy plan to kill Superman?

He’ll lure him into the Crypt tonight.

808

Sir Reginald the Explorer is making his way through the heart of darkest Africa with his faithful guide Bombay, when he’s suddenly surrounded by a cloud of huge blue-and-green flies.

“Bloody hell!” cries Sir Reginald. “The blighters are thick all 'round my head!”

“Dem Bobo flies,” says Bombay. “Dey usually swarm 'round nekkid baboon bums.”

“I say!” says an angry Sir Reginald. “Are you implying that my face looks like a monkey’s arse?!”

“Oh no, Bwana!” replies Bombay. “But you can’t fool dem flies!”

809

Ahhhh… but I heard it this way;

Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are called – I never heard 'em called circle flies.”

So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name.”

The trooper says, “Well… it’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

810

Boy: “Mom, can I go bungee jumping”
Mom: “NO, you came in this world because rubber broke, I don’t want you to go out the same way.”

Just bought a really cheap umbrella that has just fell to bits. I wish kids in the third world would take more pride in their work.

811

The youngish wife had just confessed to her husband of having a single, brief affair.

He said that he was willing to forgive her one affair that she insisted was over, but that she had to come completely clean and answer his questions about it.

She was reluctant and pleaded that perhaps it was best not to discuss any details, saying that she feared he would only get more angry with her, and repeated her promise that it would never happen again, any time with anyone.

He affirmed that he believed it was not something she would ever repeat. But he insisted that he needed one burning issue in particular answered, that he wouldn’t get furious all over again, and that he would take her at her word with the answer. He pointed out that she had never lied to him about anything, and that he would therefore trust her completely in her answer, and not question it.

“Well, okayyy…” she replied, “If you really need to know one thing, what’s your ‘burning issue’?”

“Just this: I need to know who it was with. I swear I won’t do anything against him, but I just won’t be able to live without knowing who it was. Now, was it Tom?”

“What? Tom? You’re best friend from college? Of course not!”

“Jim?”

“You mean your number one bowling buddy? It wasn’t him either!”

“Tim?”

“Tim… Oh, you mean that guy from work you barely knew but got you the best deal on our car? And you’ve considered him your best friend from then on?”

“Yeah, that’s who I mean!”

“No, no. It wasn’t him either.”

After three more guesses about friends of his she cried:

“Please, dear, this isn’t getting anywhere. It wasn’t any of your friends!”

In spite of his promise the husband did get a bit angry again at this. And very, very hurt.

“Oh, I see how it is! None of my friends are good enough for you!”

812

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken.

813

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the 9-1-1 call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help. He said she was a very brave girl and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.

814

The hillbilly family “closeness” jokes on this thread reminded me of a limerick I heard recently:

The once was a lad from Percaw,
with a habit of goosing his Maw.
Go pester yer sister,
she said when he kissed her.
I’ve trouble enough with my Paw!

815

Q: What do you get when you bite a ghost?

A: A mouth full of sheet.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

816

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

“Excuse me, but are you gonna eat that?”

817

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a native Alaskan by his diameter?
Eskimo pi.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of the sun by its diameter?
Pi in the sky.

818

What?!

Jeffrey Dahmer jokes making a return?

PLEASE!

Have a heart!

819

A British man walks up to the immigration desk at Melbourne airport.
The immigration officer asks: “do you have a criminal record? “
the Brit replies “I did not know that was still a requirement”

820

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, “What’s this about?”

The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?”

The guy replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

His hand slipped.

Olympic gymnast walks into a bar, she doesn’t get a medal.

821

Blonde to blonde…

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde in the convertible searches through her purse in vain.

Finally, she asks, “What does it look like?” The blonde police officer tells her, “It’s that thing with your picture on it.” The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking into the compact the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing!