How can you tell a group of blondes did the landscaping?
Compared to the bushes the grass is a much lighter color.
I just read a book about an immortal dog.
Couldn’t put it down.
As a mark of respect to Lou Reed, I had his initials inscribed on my headphones.
What happened to the cannibal who was late to the party?
He got the cold shoulder.
What did OJ tell his neighbors when they invited him over for dinner?
“OK, but I have to ax my wife first.”
On a lake two men are sitting in boat , doing a bit of fishing, dinking some beers…when suddenly a man on jet ski buzzes past them, scaring away all the fish…the two men yell at the jet skier, but the man does not seem to care…after a few passes from the jet ski one of the fishers gets fed up and throw a bottle at the jet skier, hitting him square in the head.
The man falls of the jet ski falls and goes down under the lake surface, after a few moments the fishers note that the man still hasn’t resurfaced, they start to panic and dive in the lake after him.
It takes a few dives but on the forth try one of the men brings up a body….they try to get the water out the mans lungs, perform CPR …but it Jet skier does not come back to life….
After a few moments of silence one of the fishermen remarks:
”first time I’ve seen a Jet skier wear ice skates ”
That one made me laugh. Did you make it up yourself?
To be perfectly truthful, I found it on Reddit. Glad it made you laugh.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Then he held her hand gently, led her to a chair and said, “Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then…” he sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to help him check his balance … so I pushed him over.
William Shakespeare walks into a pub and the barman says, “Oi, get out of here, you’re Bard!”
Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous.
Yeah, but he may not have had much reason to feel any less dumb.
Wasn’t he the boyfriend fired from the M&M’s facility for throwing out all the W’s?
So then he buys her a real puzzle. It took her 6 months to finish it. He said, “Why on earth did it take so long?” She was so proud of herself when she said, “But that was fast! The box says, ‘10 years and up’!”
Little Timmy is in the first grade. It’s boring, so he keeps asking to be sent to the third grade. He says"My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is."
The teacher gets tired of this and takes Timmy to the principal. The principal asks Timmy “What is 2x2?”
“Four” says Timmy.
“And what it 4x4” asks the principal.
“16” says Timmy.
The principal says “Let’s move him to the third grade. He seems pretty smart.”
The teacher says “Let me ask him a couple questions. What do you have in your pants that I don’t have under my skirt?” The principal raves that she can’t ask a kid a question like that. The kid just says “Pockets”
The teacher then says “What begins with an F and ends with a UCK and means a lot of excitement?”
The principal raves “I’ll fire you!” And the kid just says “Fire Truck.”
The principal says “Kid, I’m moving you to the 6th grade. Even I didn’t know the answers to the teacher’s questions.”
Why do blonde chicks have bruises around their belly buttons?
Because blond guys are dumb too.
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here. Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, because there is only one bullfight each morning. Come early tomorrow and place your order, and we will save you this delicacy!”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied “Si, senor. Sontines de bull, he wins.”…
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.
Did you hear about the serial killer who’s coming out of retirement?
He’s taking another stab at it.
What did Nicole and Ron come to the Halloween party as?
Matching PEZ dispensers.
The local flasher was going to retire this week, but he’s changed his mind and decided to stick it out till Christmas.
Hear about the guy who was visiting a nudist colony for the first time?
He stuck out like a sore thumb.
She was so vanilla, her safe word was "what is a safe word? "
Yea , one time when I was a kid , I was doing it and was caught by my dad .
He said ,“Dammit son , stop doing that or you’ll go blind .”
I said , “Dad , I’m over here .”
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber leans down and says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yeah, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”
The brunette was walking along the west side of the river. She knew the house that was her destination was on the east side of the river, not far from where she was. So far she had not come to any bridges, and she was leery of walking too far from the house.
She spotted a blonde walking the other way on the east side. As soon as it seemed reasonable she called out to her.
“Say! How do I get to the other side? Have you seen any bridges to cross?”
The blonde had a blank look.
“Can’t you hear me?” said the brunette, and then repeated the question.
“I heard you, but you’re not making any sense,” said the blonde, who looked totally dumbfounded.
“What? What do you mean?”
“You’re already on the other side!”
:rolleyes: