Other popular variation to same joke:
Dad: Son, if you keep playing with your weenie, you’ll go blind.
Kid (thoughtfully): Well… could I keep doing it til I need glasses?
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’
‘My darling’ she replied,’ I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’
Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Ah, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbs up on the bar, stands on one leg, and begins pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the cash register, the floor and the bartender but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender is ecstatic. He’s laughing hysterically. Finally, the bartender says, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbs down off the bar and says, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went first and told the funniest joke he knew and everyone laughed… Except the tortoise. So the lion ate him. The gazelle was next and nervously told her funniest joke. Again everyone laughed but the tortoise so the lion ate the gazelle. After a few more times of this happening it seemed the tortoise didn’t find any of the jokes funny. It was the rabbits turn and he told the funniest joke any of the animals had ever heard, but the tortoise would still not laugh. The lion was starting to get a little annoyed that the tortoise wasn’t laughing. Finally it was board turn and he told a mediocre joke and only got a few laughs. However, the tortoise started laughing hysterically. The lion, confused, asked the tortoise how he found the boar’s joke funny but not the other ones. The tortoise said “No…I just got the monkey’s joke.”
Heh, a classic. 
Only, I remember the punchline as "I bet each of those guys a thousand dollars I could piss all over you and all you would do is laugh.
And in the set-up, mention that the Bartender is a rough and tough bruser who knocks teeth out for the slightest disrespect.
How many ears does captain Kirk have?
Three. A left ear, a right ear, and
A FINAL FRONT EAR
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Date Posted: 08:19:52 01/27/13 Sun
Author: Mimi
Subject: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS
IT REALLY WORKS-IT’S NOT A SCAM – YOU NEED $6 / TIME / A COMPUTER
!!!QUICK MONEY!!! – FAST CASH
At first I thought this was too good to be true, how wrong I was!! I decided to give it a go, it was only 6 dollars so why not? Well I was astounded!! Money has, and still is coming to my account.
Ok this is all you need:
- An email address
- A PayPal account
- then POST,POST,POST,POST,POST,POST,POST,POST,POST… …
Only hours after implementing this exact system I about fell out of my chair as money ACTUALLY started rolling in. I couldn’t believe it and for that reason, I became a believer in this system.?
WHAT IS IT?
The idea is that of a system that takes advantage of the power of compounding. And in a big way, let me tell you. First and foremost understand that there are countless spin-offs of this system that try to make a “quick buck” off of people. Long lists, the 5 & 10 dollar trees, the birthday systems, etc… Those spin-offs do make money because of the ease of implementation of this idea, but they do NOT use the compounding advantage. This system is THE legit and profitable one.
HERE IS HOW IT WORKS…
There is a list of 6 email addresses (you’ll see it as you read further). Each of these people has already taken part in this system.
When someone new comes along (such as yourself) he/she removes #1 off of the list, moves the other five email addresses up one position (i.e. #6 goes to #5, #5 to #4, etc.), and adds their PayPal email address in the 6 position.
This process is what develops the power of compounding.
The bottom line is this… Honesty and Integrity creates Profitability.
Following this EXACT process is what creates the money, and that is why this system has been raved about in the Altering the system creates weak results. The legality of this system comes from the idea that you are of course creating a mailing list, and a “service” is being provided (more on that later.) Now on to how your SpamSpamSpamSpamSpam creates BIG money…
INSTRUCTIONS:
STEP 1:
The first thing to do COPY, PASTE and SAVE this entire post in word or notepad on your computer so you can come back to it later.
After that, if you are not already a PayPal user you need to go to the PayPal website at https://www.paypal.com/ and SIGN UP.
To receive credit card payments from other people you must sign up for a PREMIER or BUSINESS account (not just a PERSONAL account). This is highly recommended to allow others easy payment options.
To place the initial $6 into your account, you will have to verify your bank account with PAYPAL (which may take a few days).
PAYPAL is 100% secure and is used by millions of people worldwide.
STEP 2:
Here is where the action occurs. Then next send a $1.00 payment to each of the 6 email addresses on the current list from your PayPal account. To do this quickly and successfully, follow these simple steps:
- Login to PayPal and click the “Send Money” tab near top of screen
- In the “Recipient’s Email” field type: the email address
- In the “Amount” field type: “1” (your $1.00 payment)
- In the “Category” field select: “Service” (Keeping it legal)
- In the “subject” field type: “EMAIL LIST”,
- In the “message” field type: “PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR EMAIL LIST”.
(By doing this, you are creating a service and maintaining the legality of the system by “paying” for the service. ) - Finally, click on the “Continue” button to complete the payment.
- Repeat these steps for each of the 6 email addresses. that’s it!
(By sending the $1.00 payment to each address, you are implementing
the compounding POWER of the system. You will reap what you sow! )
Here is the current e-mail list:
- fathe_byl@yahoo.com
- armoedz@gmail.com
- ibez@bigpond.com
- lawrence.a.spann@gmail.com
- melsott@hotmail.com
- mattias__ohlin@hotmail.se
STEP 3:
Now take the 1st email off of the list that you see above (from your saved file), Move the other addresses up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc.) and add YOUR email address (the one used for your PayPal account) as number 6 on the list. This is the only part of the document that should be changed.
** Make sure to use the email address you registered with PayPal **
STEP 4 now post new file created in STEP 3 to at least 200 newsgroups or message boards. Keep in mind that there are tens of thousands of groups online!
All you need is 200, but remember the more you post the more money you make - as well as everyone else on the list!
I’ve began to see money roll in before I even hit 100 posts, but try to hit around 200 to allow maximum exposure. Use Netscape, Internet Explorer, Firefox, Safari, or whatever your internet browser is to search for various news groups, on-line forums, message boards, bulletin boards, chat sites, iscussions, discussion groups, on-line communities, etc.
For example?
Log on to any search engine like yahoo.com or google.com and type in a subject like ‘MILLIONAIRE MESSAGE BOARD’,MONEY MAKING DISCUSSIONS’, ‘MONEY MAKING FORUMS’, or ‘BUSINESS MESSAGE BOARD’, etc. You will find thousands and thousands of message boards. Click them one by one and you will find the option to post a new message. Fill in the subject which will be the header that everyone sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a particular group, and post the article with the NEW list of email addresses included. THAT’S IT!!! All you have to do is jump to different newsgroups and post away. After you get the hang of it, it will take about 30 seconds for each newsgroup.
HOW THE MONEY WORKS
:
When you post 200 messages in various forums, it is estimated that at LEAST 15 people will respond and send you a $1.00 ($15.00). Those 15 will Post 200 Posts each and 225 people send you $1.00
($225.00), etc. through 6 levels of email addresses. For comprehension purposes, here is an easy viewing chart:
- 15(1) = 15 people ($1) = $15
- 15(15) = 225 people ($1) = $225
- 15(225) = 3375 people ($1) = $3375
- 15(3375) = 50625 people ($1) = $50625
- 15(50625) = 759375 people ($1) = $759375
As you can see, your SpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpam has multiplied exponentially. What other opportunity that is as simple as this can cash in the way this can?! I’m not going to say this is going to make everyone over $800,000, but within a few WEEKS you begin to see results, thanks to the speed of the internet!
When your name is no longer on the list, take the latest posting in the newsgroups and begin the process again. Simply amazing…Follow the system as described, and enjoy your PROFITS!!!
REMEMBER… HONESTY AND INTEGRITY = PROFITABILITY YOUR NAME COULD CYCLE FOR A LONG TIME!
Good luck!
HOW TO POST TO NEWS GROUPS?
Use Netscape or Internet Explorer and try searching for various newsgroups (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites, discussions.)
Log on any search engine like yahoo.com, google.com, altavista.com, excite.com, etc. Search with the subject "millionaire message board; or; money making message board; or; employment message board; or making money discussions; or; money making forum; or; business message board; etc. You will find thousands & thousands of message boards.
Click on them one by one and you will find the option ‘post a new message’.
Then Post this article as a ‘new message’ by highlighting the text of this letter and selecting copy then paste from the edit menu.
Fill in the Subject, this will be the header that everyone sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a particular group, click the post message button.
You’re done with your first one! It only takes about 60 seconds to complete postings on message boards
after you catch on.
REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL MAKE!! !!!GOOD LUCK!!
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Replies:
Re: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS – THABI LINDIWE MOHANOE (sad), 00:43:50 05/21/13 Tue
Re: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS – ALBIN, 00:15:54 06/27/13 Thu
Re: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS – jutt sohail (sad), 07:52:45 09/27/13 Fri
Re: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS – Lolla, 14:55:33 07/31/13 Wed
Re: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS – john (hi every one iam very happy), 09:35:04 09/21/13 Sat
hi – john (happy), 09:36:33 09/21/13 Sat
Re: hi – john (happy), 09:38:12 09/21/13 Sat
Re: CASH INTO YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT WITH JUST A FEW CLICKS – ello jackson, 14:45:59 09/24/13 Tue
Making MONEY MONEY – Ello jackson (happy), 01:20:37 09/25/13 Wed
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A policeman searched me in a Nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed.
I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!”
“Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.”
“What for?” I asked.
He said, “The drugs.”
I said, “What drugs?”
The wife comes home from the doctor’s looking all pleased with herself.
Darling hubby scowls at her and says “What are you grinning all over your face for?”.
“The doctor,” she says, “told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old.”
“Oh,” sneers hubby, “and what did he say about your useless fat ass?”
“Your name didn’t come up once,” she replies.
At a big reception dinner, an American sits near a little Chinese man. They eat in silence. After the soup, the American, wanting to be nice and engage in conversation, ask the little Chinese:
Likie soupie ?
Little Chinese nods with a smile.
After the dinner the little Chinese goes to the podium and delivers a speech in superb English, returns to his seat and ask the American:
Likie speechie ?
The Pocket Book of War Humor, edited by Bennett Cerf, 1945.
A woman approaches her husband and asks for $8000 to get her breasts enlarged.
“$8000 for bigger boobs, hell!” says her husband. “Just rub some toilet paper between them!”
The wife is astonished. “Toilet paper?!? Will that work?!?”
“Why not?” says her husband. “It sure worked for your ass!”
What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette.
How do Jews celebrate the Christmas season?
They dance around the cash register singing “What a friend we have in Jesus…”
A Jew and a Scot in a church.
The Jew: I bet I can give less than you.
The Scot: Ha! Impossible.
The Scot gives a penny.
The Jew: That’s for both of us.
Terentii, you’re not going to find the source of that joke, are you ? 
But thanks anyway.
Like virtually all of Cerf’s anecdotes, I’m sure that one had been around for some time prior to the book’s publication. It’s just where I happened to read it, that’s all.
The American and the Chinese were two bigwig diplomats, but I don’t remember who exactly; I read the book almost 50 years ago, when I was in sixth grade.
… and then take off for two weeks on Majorca.
A lonely spinster, aged 50, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (50’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs
The woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!”
Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
“Are you still good in bed?”
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
A man goes down to a flea market and a vendor calls him over. “Sir, come on over!” the vendor shouts. The man approaches him and the vendor ecstatically exclaims, “I have here a box of incredible dancing cookies!”
The man, curious, peers into the box, and sure enough- there is a slew of personified cookies! They are just groovin’ out, having a grand time. The man recognizes that this defies many of the laws of the universe and decides to purchase the cookies.
Satisfied, he takes the box and puts it in his trunk. He begins to drive home. He lives on a hill overlooking a lake, and when he starts to ascend it, he hears a terrible clanking sound. He freaks out, believing that it may be his engine breaking down, and subsequently pulls over. He gets out of the car, and with the engine off, the sound is still prominent. He opens the trunk and realizes that it is coming from the dancing cookies!
He opens the box and tells them, “Cookies, please stop, that really scared me.” They agree to subside, and the man continues driving up the hill. After another few minutes, however, a similar sound occurs. Just to be safe, the man pulls over again. He opens the trunk, and it is indeed the dancing cookies. “Sorry dude, we just couldn’t contain ourselves,” the cookies explained in unison. “Okay,” says the man. “But if you do it one more time I’m going to get very upset.”
He keeps driving up the hill and it happens again. “THAT’S THE LAST STRAW, COOKIES!” the man shouts after opening the box. “IF YOU DANCE LIKE THAT AGAIN BEFORE WE GET HOME I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU AND THROW YOU IN THE LAKE!”
The cookies peer up with fear in their eyes and agree to adhere to his requests.
But alas, they are unable. Mere yards before reaching the man’s home, the car starts making terrible noises. The man brakes violently in the middle of the road, opens the door, scrambles to the trunk, opens it, takes the box of dancing cookies, and throws them in the lake.
Sorry about that. Here’s a real joke to make up for it:
A fellow named John decides he wants to ask his girlfriend of three years- Elizabeth- for her hand in marriage. He takes her out to the restaurant where they had their first date, and they are seated. “I’m going to run into the restroom,” John says, but he steps outside for some fresh air. He’s nervous about what he’s going to say. He takes the diamond ring from his pocket and starts going over what he’s going to say.
“Elizabeth, will you marry me?” John mutters under his breath. His hands are shaking and in his nervousness the ring falls from his hands and down the storm drain on the curb.
John freaks out, frantically trying to determine where it could be going. He had spent so much of his savings on this ring! But in recognition that finding it would be unlikely, he goes back inside to enjoy his dinner. The waitress comes over and he orders a salad. Elizabeth asks, “Could you tell me about your trout?” The waitress replies, "Yes, it is quite delicious… we catch it from the river right by our restaurant.
Elizabeth is convinced and orders the trout. It comes out a half hour later. She cuts into the fish and what’s inside?
THE DANCING COOKIES!
The Terminator was recently upset when he was told he had to upgrade to Windows 8. “Vindows Et?” he exclaimed, “But ah still luv Vista!”