That is so bad, it is good. 
Spiders
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
Girl: “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?”
Daddy: “They’re mating.”
Girl: “What do you call the spider on top?”
Daddy: “That’s a daddy longlegs.”
Girl: “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?”
Daddy: “No, both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
“Well, we’re not having any of that in our garden.”
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other was the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
At the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!”
“IMPOSSIBLE”, said the groom broom.
“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”
Music Joke:
The bass section of the orchestra was made up of a cadre of drinkers, who went so far as to sneak out during performances when they knew they had a long break.
One night, the bass section snuck out during a performance of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, with its long choral parts, because they knew they had enough time to go across the street to the bar, drink, and still have plenty of time to get back before they had to play.
Well, they overestimated their capacity for booze, because they got seriously drunk and lost all track of time. One of the bass players had had the foresight to tie the last pages of the conductor’s copy of the music together, so he couldn’t turn those pages and get to their parts.
As the end of the symphony approached, the conductor suddenly noticed this and got worried. And small wonder, because …
SPOILER:
…it was the Last of the Ninth, the Score was Tied, and the Basses were Loaded.
The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. So, she told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer break.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, “No, no, you went to visit your grandmother. Use the grown up word.”
The next little one said she went for a ride on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, “No, no, you took a trip on a train. That’s the grown up word.”
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in his very best adult voice replied, “Winnie… the… Shit.”
At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarls, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?”
“There is,” he replies. ‘Breakfast.’
My 13yo blindsided me with this one. He’s now buried in the back yard.
A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver looses control around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, landing unconscious on her back, with all her charms exposed to the world.
As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper’s crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.
Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, “Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!”
I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
Why did Timmy hate eating clocks?
It was really time consuming.
Did you hear that the chickens took control of the farm?
It was a coop d’état
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!”
Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local restaurant for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, “Are you ready to order, sir?”
Clinton replied, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.”
“A quickie?” the waitress replies with disgust. “Sir, haven’t you had enough controversy in your personal life? I don’t believe that’s a good idea. I’ll come back later when you are ready to make an order… from the MENU.” And she walked away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and said, “Sir, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’.”
Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained the trial to him.“You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second one replied,“I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
“Oh, shit! It’s the end of the world!” yelled Bob, thus in the final seconds of his life confusing scatology with eschatology.
I went to a zoo the other day. It only had one animal - a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
If it had 4 it’d be a chicken sedan. (obviously works better verbally)
I rather like the term someone on another forum used for anti-technology anarcho-primitives on the Internet: cognitive dissidents.
The Silver Ladle Joke (one variation)
The Monsignor invites a young priest over to eat dinner with himself, and his new housekeeper. When he arrives, he can’t help but notice how stunningly beautiful the housekeeper is. As soon as the young priest remarks, in awe, at how utterly gorgeous the housekeeper is, the Monsignor gets a bit defensive. “Look I know what this looks like, but I hired her because she is known to be a very competent housekeeper. I have a feeling I know where this is going, so I must say that there is nothing immoral or even improper going on between us. ” The young priest immediately shrugs blandly, and changes the subject. They all enjoy a nice dinner, and later, after the two men enjoy a game of checkers, he goes home.
Three days later the housekeeper goes to the Monsignor, and says that ever since his young friend came over for dinner, she can’t find her silver gravy ladle anywhere. The monsignor writes his friend a letter saying. “My friend, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains, it has been missing ever since you came over for dinner”.
The young priest wrote a letter back to her the Monsignor saying…“Monsignor, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your new housekeeper. But the fact remains… if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the ladle by now”.
:eek:
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
(The officer walked away in tears, laughing)
How do you make a snowman smile?
Tell him the snowblower is coming.
Last night I dreamed of a color I had never seen before.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Corduroy. 