How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
:rolleyes:Silly.
Californians don’t screw it light bulbs.
– Hot tubs!
So, I was in the local VFW the other day when this new guy comes in sits down at the bar next to me. I introduced myself as a recently retired combat airman and senior NCO. We got to talking and he said he was a Marine just back from a recent deployment to the middle east. I bought him a beer and he said he remembered a A Sgt. Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service.
He was not married except to the Corps, and so he was lonely. He decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens, black chickens, red chickens and brown chickens. It was alot of work but the Sgt. Major was still lonely.
Not quite ready to bring a woman onto his watch, he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk, the UCMJ, General Orders, Close Order Drill, Customs & Courtesies, Uniform Regulations… the list was endless.
One day the Sgt. Major discovered he was running low on supplies and would have to go into town. He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until he got back. The parrot saluted and said’" Aye, Aye Sar Major." Well, the Sgt. Major left on his errand and upon his return, he found his farmyard scattered with dead chickens. But, he only saw the black chickens, white chickens and red chickens.
This was a puzzle. So, he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard yelling, “When I say fall out in khakis, I mean fall out in Fucking Khakis.”
Life is sexually transmitted…
parkega3, let me be the first this time to say… I don’t quite get it. 
Used in Being Human to great comedic effect:
Seth: What the cock is that?
Annie: I’m a ghost, actually.
Seth: Get out. Can you, like, move things about and, y’know, walk from
one room to another?
George: [pause] Yeah, I’m pretty sure everyone can do that.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, just leave it out. No one will notice.
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1999 XR3i” rather than “I’ve just buggered a 14 year old escort”.
The police still haven’t seen the funny side, my lap top’s been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
A Muslim colleague said he’d just got the Koran on DVD, so I asked if he could burn me a copy. And then the fight started.
I had the pub quiz in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong.
The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair ?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A little old lady called up her doctor’s office and sounded like she was crying. “Doctor, is it true that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
In his most soothing voice the doctor replied, “Yes, I’m afraid so.”
There was sobbing on the phone before she replied weakly, “So doctor, just how serious is my condition? My prescription is marked: NO REFILLS”
Part A - It’s another “surprise twist” at the ending that makes the joke funny.
Part B - Only the brown chickens were “properly” dressed in khakis.
A Brooklynite is visiting Chicago, and asks a bus driver: “Does dis bus go t’rough de Loop?”
The driver answers “No, it goes ‘Beep Beep’.”
How many Scooby-Doo villains does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of H2O”
The second scientist says ‘I’ll have a glass of water too. Wh… why did you say H2O? Like, I know it’s the chemical formula for water and all, but it’s the end of the day and there’s really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work”
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
A young nun and an older nun are sitting at a bus stop, quietly waiting for their ride. Suddenly a gorgeous woman driving a Ferrari convertible drives past them, then reverses and parks in a screech of tires. From up close, the nuns can see that she’s wearing expensive designer clothes, a humongous mink coat and more bling than Mister T.
The woman goes : “Hey there sisters. Beautiful day isn’t it ? D’you like the coat ?”
The younger nun replies : “Yes, it certainly is very pretty and looks quite warm, too.”
“Do you guys know how much I paid for it ?”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s a very expensive coat.”
“Nothing at all ! All I had to do was suck cock !”
The young nun immediately blushes to her hair, but the older nun simply grits her teeth and flashes the woman the most evil eye you’ve ever seen.
“How about the diamonds ? Do you like the diamonds ? Look at the size of this one !”
The young nun, still very polite, “Yes, yes it certainly is a very large diamond”
“Do you know how much I paid for it ?”
“I’m sure it must have cost you a fortune, dear”
“Nothing ! I paid nothing for it, I just let this one guy fuck me !”
The younger nun is speechless and goes red as a tomato, but the older nun is getting visibly upset and starts muttering under her breath.
“And the car ? Have you seen the car ?! Guess how much I paid for it. Go on, guess.”
The young nun evidently has pattern recognition : “Nothing ?”
“Well, not quite. I’ll admit, it was *some *work. I had to take it up my ass for the car.”
At this, the older nun howls in rage and stomps off in a huff.The young nun runs after her, “Sister Mary, Sister Mary where are you going ? Sister Mary, what about our bus ?!”
And the old nun says : “I’ll tell you where I’m going, I’m going to stick my foot up Father Robertson’s backside is where I’m going. I’ll give *him *a candy bar !”
I wouldn’t think most bars would carry that.
I’ve a few bottles in my office though.
“Does dis bus go to Duluth” is the way I heard it. That sounds more like toot-a-loo.
??
The first scientist was setting up the second to say “I’ll have a glass of H2O too” (H2O2).
I’m with you. First I thought that H2O must have some alternative urban slang meaning, and the second one thought he meant it literally. This might have been worth a chuckle if I knew what this possible slang meaning might be. But if that were the case, and the first scientists were somehow going to use it to assassinate somebody, perhaps even the second scientist, how would the second scientist’s thinking that the first one was talking about water have any impact of the efficacy of the plot? And if the first one really *is *talking about water, then the whole thing just seems pointless. So now that I’ve pretty much ruined the joke, why is it funny?
It reminds me of the SNL skit:
ETA: Posted without seeing x-ray vision’s post, that one was clearly over my head.
Two nuns are riding bicycles in an old part of the city and one says to the other; “I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”
The other replies: “It’s the cobblestones.”
Two old ladies are on a tourist trip to France. One says to the other, “You know, I’ve been in Paris three days and I still haven’t been to the Louvre.”
“Me either”, says the other old lady. “Do you think it’s the water?”
Regards,
Shodan