That’s not bad, actually. I didn’t get it until it was explained downthread. Anyway, our chemistry teacher had this groaner he used to say:
A lad was taking chemistry
But now he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
Vincent Bugliosi tells this one in his book on the Kennedy assassination.
It is the End of Times, and all the JFK conspiracy buffs are lined up before the throne of Heaven. The oldest conspiracy buff asks God, “Can you please tell us who killed JFK?”
The Lord says, “I will tell you this just once. Oswald killed JFK, and he acted alone.”
Another conspiracy buff nudges the one next to him. “Wow - this goes deeper than we thought!”
Regards,
Shodan
A deer walks into a gay bar, sits down, and says, “Man, I can’t believe I blew 20 bucks last night.”
“Doctor, when it’s cold, I get stiff in the joints.”
“Then stay out of the joints.”
Bartender: Getcha nother beer?
Guy: Nah, I better stop. I drank waaaay too much last night and went home and blew chunks.
Bartender: Ah big deal.
Guy: You don’t understand, man. Chunks is my dog’s name.
A novice nun storms into her Mother Superior’s office, fuming.
“Mother Superior! You should hear those workmen building the road outside our convent! Their foul language is simply disgraceful!”
“Now, now, Sister” says the Mother Superior. “They’re simple, honest, hardworking men. They merely call a spade a spade.”
“No, they don’t!” says the novice. “They call it a fucking shovel!”
Obituaries
His four children were gathered around Mr. Staley’s deathbed.
As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.
Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. “Children,” he said, “I’ve never told you this and never wanted to, but I can’t go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married.”
His oldest son was aghast. “You mean we’re…”
Mr. Staley said, “Yup. And cheap ones too!”
A young child is a noise… with dirt on it!
I once asked a pretty homeless woman if I could take her home. Her face lit up as she said “yes”. Her face soon changed when she saw me running off with her card board box.
How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
Yippy-Yiyo-Ki-Yeh
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation then falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly speaks: “Once my people were many… Now we are few.”
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few, "he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? "
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says,
" 'cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet. "
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things there, and drink whatever comes out”?
Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”
Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
I don’t know, but thank goodness they weren’t looking at a bull.
Really LOL not safe for public libraries!
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading…
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?” 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him upside the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?!’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’…
The man then said ’ Remember when I gave you that extra money to go shopping with, last week? Well, I won that at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’, the wife apologized and went on with her housework…
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife knocks him in the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied… ‘Your horse called’ :eek:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company…
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead… Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, rather haughtily, “I’m afraid not; we canna have services for an animal in the church… But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what them heathens believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll be thankin’ ya kindly and go right away, Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Upon which, Father Patrick exclaimed,
“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?” 
An elderly man walks into a confessional and the following conversation ensues:
“I’m 92 years old and I have a wonderful wife of 70 years. I have many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls that were hitch-hiking and we went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”
The priest says “Are you sorry for your sins?”
“What sins?”, says the old man.
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?!”
Old man: “I’m not Catholic, I’m Jewish!”
Priest: “Well, why are you telling me all of this?!”
Old man: “Hell, I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody!”
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: “So, how are things in Hell?”
Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”
“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”
God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?” :eek:
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall with a beautiful, and much younger gal, at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something better than that.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000.”, the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled, and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “There was only $25 in your account!”
The old man said, ''I know, but let me tell you about the GREAT weekend that I had!"