The Lone Ranger is captured by some bandits and is told that he will be executed in the morning. He is given one last request.
“I want to talk to my horse” he says, and his faithful steed is brought to his side. He leans over, whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
A few hours later, the horse returns with a beautiful woman on its back. The bandits are amazed, and allow the woman to spend the night with the prisoner.
In the morning, the bandit leader is amazed by what he hears happened, so he grants a temporary reprieve of the execution until the next morning. Again, on the eve of his death, the prisoner is given a last request, and of course again asks to speak to his horse.
He whispers in the horse’s ear and it gallops off. This time, it returns with TWO women, more beautiful than the last. The bandits are incredulous, nonetheless honor the man’s last request and he spends the night with the girls.
The next morning the bandit leader again grants a stay of execution, but warns him that no more delay will be tolerated, and he WILL be executed the next morning no matter what. That evening, when given his last request, he says “I’ would like to speak to my horse… alone”. The horse is led in and the bandits retreat out of earshot.
The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by the ears, looks him right in the eyes and says “Listen you mangy flea-bitten nag, I only got one more shot at this so listen closely…bring POSSE!”
That reminds me of an anecdote, and I will take the liberty of modifiying it.
One professor told of his research, of which funding had been granted, and that he was now set up to start. His buddy, also a professor, had his interest piqued.
The idea was to see whether cannabis smoking improved the enjoyment of food. The professor in charge was sure that this was definitely not the case, and he confided that to his friend. Of course, being a scientist, his overall attitude was, “We’ll see.”
Through one-way mirrors the two of them spied on volunteering students in the control group as they chewed their lunch of hamburgers. (They had been carefully monitored in overnight seclusion and none of them could possibly have “smoked” recently.) Almost none of them showed any particular enthusiasm over their meal, and the few that did showed nothing to write home about. They all chatted about unrelated things.
Then they spied on volunteers who had just had some cannabis smoked in reefers. Each of them talked about nothing else than the hamburgers. They simply raved about the flavor and freshness.
“See? See?” the first prof said to the second. I was right! Pot ***does not ***improve enjoyment of tasty food!"
“WHAAA…?” replied the other prof in disbelief.
The first prof understood his friend’s confusion, and so touched his arm gently and then enthusiastically explained the results.
“I know what you must be thinking, but you miss the point!” he started, “Pot doesn’t improve the taste of food for those students…”
A prospector strikes it rich on the Klondike, but realizes has no way to get so much gold downriver. So he hikes 20 miles to the nearest town and fires off a telegram to a buddy: “Come north at once. Bring two punts and a canoe.”
A week goes by before he gets an answer: “Message received but garbled. Have managed to persuade two local girls, but what the hell is a panoe?”
A sorority girl goes to see her doctor and learns that she’s pregnant. After a couple of days’ thought, she decides to carry the child through to term but requests that the doc give it to another young mother in the hospital and tell her she had twins.
The day the baby is born, the only other patient the doctor has is an old priest who’s in for a gall bladder operation. As he’s coming out from under the anesthesia, the doc enters the room and says “Father O’Brien, I can hardly believe it myself, but when we were operating on you, you gave birth to a healthy eight-pound baby boy!”
Father O’Brien closes his eyes and clasps his hands in prayer. “The Lord be praised!” he says. “'Tis a miracle child! Truly He works in mysterious ways!”
So he takes the child home with him and raises him as his son. Eventually, the boy begins to ask questions like, How come I don’t have a mommy? Each time, Father O’Brien explains patiently “Well, you see, son, you are a miracle child. I am both your mother and your father.”
The years go by and the boy grows up believing this. Finally, one day Father O’Brien is lying on his deathbed and calls the lad over to his side. “Son,” he says, "all these years, I’ve been living a lie, and I’ve got to tell you the truth before I go. You see, you’re really not a miracle child …
A novice nun has just begun her tenure in the convent. The Mother Superior tells her that one of her duties will be to bathe Father Patrick, an aging priest suffering from Alhzheimer’s Disease who is cared for by the sisters of the convent.
“Now Father Patrick may be old and senile,” warns the Mother Superior, “but he can still get frisky sometimes, so watch out for him.”
Sometime later, the Mother Superior encounters the new nun, and asks whether Father Patrick has behaved for his bath.
The new nun blushes and says, “Well, as I was bathing him, his member became large and stiff. He told me that it was the Staff of Life, and that I should grasp it firmly.”
“Why that old coot!” exclaims the Mother Superior. “All these years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s Horn!”
Three couples approach the Pearly Gates seeking admission to heaven.
St. Peter examines his ledger and says to the first man, “All your life, all you ever cared about was making money. You abandoned all others in your relentless pursuit of filthy lucre. Why, you even married a girl named Penny. I can’t let you in. Begone!”
After further consultation, he says to the second man, “All your life, all you ever cared about was gardening. You neglected your friends and family and spent every minute obsessively caring for your garden. Why, you even married a girl named Iris. I can’t let you in. Begone!”
The third man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of here.”
It’s the dead of winter, and a guy and his girl attend a formal dance. He’s wearing a tuxedo but doesn’t want to get it wrinkled, so he wears no topcoat or other winter attire.
Sure enough, while they’re driving back he gets a flat tire. He’s forced to go out in the frigid temperatures and change the tire without protection.
As he hurries back in the car, he exclaims, “Jeez, I’m freezing! I think my hands are frostbitten.”
His girlfriend says, “Here, put them between my thighs. That’ll warm them up.”
The guy pauses, then says, “You know, come to think of it, my ears are pretty cold too.”
A debutante is being driven home late one evening when her father’s limo develops a flat on a lonesome country road.
She gets out with the chauffeur and watches for a few minutes while he struggles with the jack and the wheel. Seeing that he’s having difficulties, she asks “Would you like a screwdriver?”
“Might as well,” says the chauffeur. “I sure as hell can’t get this damned hubcap off!”
