A young novice is praying in chapel when a middle-aged nun walks in.
The older nun looks around and asks “Where’s the candles?”
The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?”
A screwdriver is a cocktail.
Am I the only one that’s 
No, you’re not.
“Where’s the candles” sounds like “Wears the candles” which suggests an unnatural act with candles. Or so I’m told. 
Did you hear that hackers stole personal information from 40,000 Target customers last month? Target customers are outraged, but the NSA is really impressed.
Совершенно верно. 
What do you call vodka mixed with milk of magnesia?
A Phillips screwdriver. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! 
Try, uhm, saying it out loud…? 
What the chauffeur hears:
“Would you like a screw, driver?”
Messin’ with Penguins
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguin populations are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly toward the penguin colony and overfly it.
Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
Familiarity breeds children.
I KNOW! That just makes it worse. I now see three different jokes. Maybe four.
I know, I know. Too much thinking. But I think the last one is actually a better joke.
I’m still trying to figure out the monogrammed handkerchief.
Oooookay… And who is performing the ‘unnatural act’?
“Where’s [Wears] the candles?”
"The novice looks up and says “Yes, it does, doesn’t it?”
I’m sorry, but I still don’t ‘get it’. 
She (the young nun) uses the candles like dildos to masturbate, and the heat and friction from her vagina wear the candles down.
“Where’s the candles” is technically ungrammatical, but people sometimes talk that way and it sets up the rest of the joke.
The young nun misunderstands the older nun’s question (“Where are the candles?”).
“It” wears the candles down, “it” being masturbation.
Anything else you’d like to know?
Disagree. It’s funnier if the chauffeur thinks he can actually get away with boffing his rich employer’s hoitey-toitey daughter.
re: post 1057
I would have never thought along those lines, either.
This one time, tho, in band camp…
.
post 1055
Ahhhh… I ‘get it’… now.
FWIW and IMHO that joke needs a better ‘set up’.