I hope no one minds too much if I offer the opinion that this joke works much better if the punchline is, “A moose? Damn! How big are your cats?”
Hear about the two gay Scotsmen?
Ben Doon and Philip MacCrack?
Or their gay buddies?
Ben Dover and Philip MacCavity?
Hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald?
The Scotsman / Canada / moose / mouse joke has been around for a very long time (not that it’s any the worse for that). It shows up, with an illustrative cartoon, in an issue of the British humorous magazine Punch from about a hundred years ago. This version features a Scottish greenhorn, newly arrived in Canada, in the company of a guy who is an old hand as regards the country. A large antlered animal walks by; the old-timer says that it’s just a young moose, and nothing to worry about.
Jock responds: “Havers, mon ! If yon’s a young moose, then show me ane o’ yer auld rats !”
I don’t usually do blonde jokes, but my doctor insisted…
A lot to live for
A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be really loud!”
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
We flew Continental (back in the day) into Las Vegas one trip. The winds at the LV airport can be a little frisky. As we were just about to touch down, we apparently caught a downdraft and wound up bouncing kinda hard before the wheels decided to stay on the ground.
The flight attendant came on the p.a. and said something like, “Welcome to Las Vegas where the local time is 10:48. Please remain in your seats with the seat belt fastened until Captain Kangaroo has finished hopping us up to the terminal…”
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.
The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.”
A native of Seattle was visiting London and talking to a news vendor whose shop was across the Thames.
The vendor said, “You can shout over the river, then cross the bridge to my newsstand and buy the Echo [a newspaper].”
“Oh, I can do better than that,” the American said. “Back home in Seattle you can shout out over the waterfront and see the Sound.”
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He used to lie awake at night wondering whether Dog existed.
Peter
A man stepped into a barber shop and asked “Bob Peters here?”
The barber said, “No, I just cut hair.”
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long
time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”
“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
And finally “I pray that everyone will be happy”.
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall”
Hot damn! That was your flight?
So there I was making my way home from the pub one cloudy night, and I decide to take a short cut through the churchyard, which would be all well and good except that (a) there was a funeral scheduled for the next day and (b) it was as dark as the Earl of Hell’s waistcoat when the clouds blew over the moon. Which was how I came to fall into a freshly-dug grave, which is a mighty long drop when you’re not expecting it, and I landed at the bottom with a severe bump. After I pick myself up and figure out nothing’s broken, I start jumping up and trying to get a grip on the edge of the hole, and I just keep slipping back in, so I decide to give up before I pull the hole in on top of me and just be thankful it’s a dry night, I’m out of the wind, and the undertaker will be along when it’s light.
Anyway, there I am trying to get settled when I hear someone else come stumbling through the churchyard, and before I can say anything I hear a muffled thump followed by some cursing and swearing as the new occupant of the hole is trying to get himself out. It is once again pitch black so I haven’t a clue who it is, so I reach out and grab him by the shoulder and say “You know, you can’t get out of here.”
And damn me if I haven’t got the hole to myself again a couple of seconds later.
This year’s Super Bowl features two teams from states that have recently legalized pot.
Upon realizing this Cleveland has moved to legalized pot, meth and heroin.
Jeeves
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife was not having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay however, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked up at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did so carefully.
“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.”
He silently obeyed her.
“Jeeves,” she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
I suffer from two phobias:
- Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you’re unable to get scared, and
- Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
A grad student was researching Native American culture but couldn’t find anything specific releated to their wearing of eagle feathers. She decided that the only thing left to do was drive to the Fugawi Tribe and ask in person.
As she drove up, she immediately noticed a young brave wearing one eagle feather and asked him, “Could you please tell me why you wear that eagle feather in your headband?” The brave replied, “Me screw one squaw”. “OH MY”, said the grad student. Embareassed, she hurried on her way.
She then came across an older brave wearing five eagle feathers. She thought that the young brave was just being rude so she asked the older brave, “Could you please tell me what is the meaning of the five eagle feathers in your headband?” “Me screw five squaws”, he replied. “OH HEAVENS”, said the grad student and she scurried away even more embareassed.
Finally she saw the Chief who was wearing a magnificent headpiece with rows and rows of eagle feathers hanging clear down to the ground. Surely the leader of the tribe wouldn’t embareass her so she tried one more time. “Excuse me Great Chief but could you tell me the reason why you have so many eagle feathers in your headpiece”? The Chief slowly turned to her and said, “Me screw many, many, many squaws”. “OH DEAR”, said the grad student. “Ugh. No deer”, said the Chief. “Ass too high, run too fast”.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, but do you keep widdle wabbiths?” The shopkeeper’s heart melts.
He gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white one, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice says, “I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit!”
A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
Before a merger, Boston used to have the Peter Bent Brigham Hospital, known locally as the Peter Bent. Joke was, a guy gets into a cab holding his crotch, tells the driver “Take me to the hospital!”. Driver asks “The Peter Bent?” Guy answers “No, I think Molly bit it off!”
And the other Boston joke, of course, is the man in the cab who asks the driver where he can go to get scrod. To which the cabbie scratches his head and says “Yanno, I must’ve been asked that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”
^^ … which is the only reason I can remember how pluperfect subjunctive works. I’m like the English major version of a lapsed Catholic.
There’s yet another old Boston joke - a Back Bay (sometimes Beacon Hill) society matron is asked by her nephew why she never travels. She tells him “Why should I, my dear boy? I’m already there!”