Come back tomorrow night; we’re gonna do: FRACTIONS!
“Do you know how to save a bigot from drowning?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Gang Member
A very large, heavily tattooed member of a Hells Angels motor cycle gang stops by the Harley Shop to have his motorcycle fixed. The shop couldn’t repair it while he waited, so he said since he didn’t live far away, he would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil to do some chores. He then stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose for the next weeks food needs. However, he now had a problem …how to carry all of his purchases home.
The store owner suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil inside the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Hey thanks, Dude!” the biker said, and out the door he went.
While walking across the parking lot, he was approached by an elderly lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “…Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take the short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “Look. I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. You are a rough looking… biker. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?”
The biker said, “Oh! Give me a break, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I POSSIBLY hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady thought for a moment and then said, “…Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket …and I’ll hold the chickens.”
And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
There was a woman with 12 nipples.
Sounds funny…
DOZEN TIT?
A beautician named Sue would go to a brothel every Wednesday morning to get the girls ready for the upcoming weekend. One Wednesday morning a man arrived instead, carrying Sue’s equipment.
“I’m Sue’s husband,” he told the madam. “She’s sick with the flu today and asked me to come in her place today.”
The madam was skeptical, but the man promised that if his work wasn’t satisfactory he wouldn’t charge anything, so the madam agreed. He went to work immediately.
When he was finished, the girls looked as gorgeous as they did when Sue had worked on them, if not better. The madam saw them and paid immediately.
“You do excellent work yourself!” she said. “Are you a beautician too?”
“Only in the past tense,” he answered. “I’m an undertaker.”
Two college students are sitting on a bench outside their school one day when a homeless man comes up to them asking for money. The first student gives the bum a $20 bill. The bum goes away happy.
“Why did you do that?” the second student says to his friend. “He’ll just spend the money on drugs and alcohol!”
The first student replies, “Oh yeah, and we wouldn’t?”
Polar Bears
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son were sitting in the snow. The son turned to his father and asked, “Dad, am I 100% polar bear?”
The father bear replied, “Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear.”
A few minutes pass, and the son turns to his father again and says, “Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?”
The father bear replies, “Son, I’m 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear.”
A few more minutes pass, and the son AGAIN turns to his father and says, “Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I gotta know – am I 100% polar bear?”
The father bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, “Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?”
“Because I’m freezing!”
We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas all we could do was exchange glances.
A woman is taking a shower and the phone rings. The only other person at home is her four-year-old son. She asks him to answer it.
“Hello?” he says. “Uh, Mommy, it’s Mrs. McGilligan!”
Mother says, “Oh, I don’t want to talk to that loud-mouthed windbag! Tell her I’m not home!”
The kid says, “My Mommy says she’s not home and she doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re a loud-mouthed windbag!”
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later,the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack’s Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack’s Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
Ole sent his wife Lena a text message, "I’m at the bar, having one more beer with Sven before I go home.
If I am not home in one hour, read this message again.
Ugly People
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I
want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
“Make 'em all ugly again”
So I was on travel in San Diego the other day. Locked my hotel room, made sure I had my key, and wandered into the the elevator. Not thinking of much of anything, I found myself staring at this womans beautiful breasts, when she says, “Will you press one, please!” So I did… I don’t remember anything after that…
Boy, it’s dark in here…
A housewife takes a lover. He comes to her during the day while her husband is at work. One day, unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
A few weeks go by and it happens again that the boy and his mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine!”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They both go to church. The father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”
Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility…
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Just so you know, this joke absolutely cracked up a bunch of speech coaches at this weekend’s tournament. 
That’s cool to know. Thanks.
After finishing a chore a certain woman’s concerns turn to her elderly neighbor. Everyone spoke of her as ‘old Mrs. Jackson’ probably because there were two other married women in the neighborhood, both on the young side, with the same last name.
Feeling neighborly, but still very busy, she turns to ask her 5 year old daughter for a favor.
“Susie, please run over to the big green house and see how ‘old Mrs. Jackson’ is this morning.”
Susie cheerfully agrees and runs off. The minutes fly by and soon she returns, with a shocking report.
“She said it wasn’t any of your business, and then called you a bad name.”
After a second of shock the mother asks,
“Why, Susie… What in the world did you ask her.”
“Just what you said, mommy. You asked me to see how old she was this morning.”
:o
Why does a scuba diver fall backward out of the boat?
If he fell forward, he’d still be in the boat.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sank to the bottom of the pool, and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead." Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
The police recently arrested a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983…
Why do some jokes not work in base eight? Because 7 10 11.
There are 2 types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
(I’ve actually had people ask me, “What’s the third kind?” Heh.)