There are two kinds of people: Those who can tolerate ambiguity
Ole’s text message to his wife Lena:
I’m at the bar, having one last beer with Sven. If I am not home in one hour, read this message again.
There are 10 types of people: 1 understands hex code and F everybody else.
A CWG original
I know a slightly different version…
A woman is walking along the Israel beach. She finds a brass lamp in the sand, picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and says, “Hey, thanks, lady. I was in there a long time, and my magic has waned a bit over the centuries. Tell you what, for freeing me, I’ll give you one wish.”
“Just one?” she asks. “Hmmm. Let’s see. I always wanted to visit the USA, but I’m afraid of flying and don’t have the time for a ship travel. So, I want you to build be a bridge from here to the States, so I can drive there”.
The genie is aghast. “Lady, come on. I’m just one genie. You’re asking for the impossible! Sorry, no can do.”
The woman shrugs. “OK, then… what should I wish for instead?” She gets an idea. She takes him to the library and shows him a map of the Middle East. “Here’s Israel, here’s Syria, here’s Egypt, Iran, Iraq, here’s the West Bank… my wish is, I want you to bring peace to the Middle East. I want you to fix it all so that we can all live in harmony and mutual understanding with one another.”
The genie stares at her, sighs and says, “How many lanes did you want on that bridge?”
The rabbit sits in the middle of the forest, manicuring.
The fox walks by and asks: “Hey, rabbit! What are you doing?”
“Me?” asks the rabbit. “I’m just manicuring, and then I’m going to f$&# the lioness.”
The fox is aghast. He goes and tells the wolf. The wolf decides to check for himself. He goes to the rabbit and asks: “Hey, rabbit! What are you doing?”
“Me? I’m just manicuring, and then I’m going to f$&# the lioness.”
The wolf can’t hold the sensation to himself, and shares it with the tiger, who then checks again: “Hey, rabbit! What are you doing?”
“Me? I’m just manicuring, and then I’m going to f$&* the lioness.”
So, they all go to the lion, and tell him about the little rabbit.
The lion raises angrily, stomps to the forest, and roars at the rabbit: “Hey, rabbit! What exactly are you doing?”
“Me?” asks the rabbit innocently. “I’m just manicuring, and… talking nonsense”
So, the lion is sleeping one hot afternoon in the wood clearing. The rabbit goes by, see the sleeping lion, and is unable to hold himself. He carefully lifts the lion’s tail, and then gives it to him up the chute.
The lion awakes, realizes what just happened, and start running after the rabbit to punish him for the act.
The rabbit runs as fast as he can, but the lion is getting closer! So, he run up to a nearby deckchair, lies down on it, and spreads a newspaper over his face.
The lion gets there a second later, but can’t see the rabbit anywhere. So, he addresses the resting figure: “Hey! Have you seen the rabbit passing by?”
“Which rabbit?” asks the hiding rabbit, “the one who gave it to the lion up the chute?”
“WHAT?” roars the lion… “It’s already on the paper??”
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
A deaf couple wants to have sex, but don’t have a condom. So, they go to the pharmacy. They can’t talk very well, but decide to try and explain to the pharmacist nonetheless.
The lady goes in first. After a short while she exists, clearly frustrated. She signals to her boyfriend: “I tried to explain to him what I want, but he just didn’t get it!”
“Let me try” signals the boyfriend.
He goes in, and after a while exists again, with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” asks the girlfriend.
“Well,” he answers “I tried to explain to him what I want, but he just didn’t get it. So, I unzipped, placed my penis on the counter, and place a 5$ bill next to it!”
“And…?”
“And then he unzipped too, placed HIS penis on the counter, showed me it’s bigger, and took the money!”
On an old “blooper” tape, in a dance scene in a movie, the music ends and a woman tells her dance partner, “You remind me of a trumpet player I used to blow–uh…” 
Guy goes to a farmhouse while passing through town and asks if he can stay the night…Farmer says sure, but all I got is the barn…the guy accepts. In the morning, the guy comes to breakfast and the farmer asks him how he slept…the man replies “fine, but did I mention I can talk to animals?”
The farmer said “really? What’d they say?”
Guy says, “Well, the horses would like bigger stalls, they can’t lie down…the cows would like you to warm up the milker as the siphon funnels are very cold at that time of morning, and the sheep…”
All of a sudden the farmer interrupts, “Them sheep are liars, don’t you listen to nuthin’ they got to say!”
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked “What’s that big brass basin for?” “That’s the talking clock,” answered the man. He gave it a whack with a hammer which yielded an ear shattering sound. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off, it’s 2 a.m., you idiot!”
What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A slow poke.
The way I heard this one, it ends with the deaf-mute jumping up and down and shaking his fist in rage, and the pharmacist shrugging his shoulders and saying “If you’re gonna be a sore loser about it, you shouldn’t make bets!”
Man walks into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic. Bartender gives him an apple. The man holds it up and asks
"What the hell is this?
Bartender: “Just bite the apple.”
The man does: “Hey this is Gin!”
Bartender: “Now turn it around.”
Man: “And this is tonic!”
“That’s why I gave you that apple” says the bartender to his now satisfied customer.
Another man walks in and asks for a rum and coke. Once again, the bartender hands him an apple. “Hey this is Rum!” says the man, and turning it around “Hey this is coke!”
A very drunk man walks into the bar
“I wan’ some PUSSY!” He yells. The bartender gives him an apple.
“This tastes like SHIT!” says the man.
Bartender: “Turn it around!”
There’s another semi-related joke.
A CNN reporter went to Jerusalem to do a feature about Moshe Cohen, a 90 year old Jewish man who’s prayed 5 times a day at the Wailing Wall, every day since he was a small boy.
The reporter asked Mr. Cohen, “What do you pray for every day?”
Cohen replied, “I pray for all the peoples of the world, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, everyone, to live together in peace, love and harmony.”
The reporter then asked, “And how do you feel after saying your prayers?”
Cohen sighed, “Like I’m talking to a fucking brick wall.”
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the midget.”
Topological Chicken Joke
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
A: To get to the other… um… er…
A college student took a course in “The Joys of Children.” Every class the professor would go on and on about how wonderful children were, how much he enjoyed them.
One day the student noticed the professor just had put a new sidewalk in front of his house, and some children were putting their names and naughty words in the still soft cement. Suddenly the professor burst out of his house, yelling and cussing out the children, using some of the words in the new sidewalk. When the children ran away, the student said “What gives? You always talk so wonderful about children in your classes.”
The professor replies “I love children in the abstract, not in the concrete.”
A guy pulls into a lumber yard to buy two-by-fours.
He goes to the office and tells the clerk what he needs.
“How long do you need them?” asks the clerk,
“Oh…let me check” the guy responds and make a call on his cell phone.
A couple of minutes later, the customer hangs up, looks at the clerk and says “A pretty long time…we’re building a house.”
Hahaha good one
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and bothering me very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down whenever she was near me and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that I was to be married soon and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and really didn’t want to. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock. I couldn’t’ say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and have your way with me." Now, I was stunned. I stood frozen as I watched her go up the stairs. Another beautiful view. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the staircase at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went silently, straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside on the lawn. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
In the paper today…
Currently, there is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A third-grade class had posed for the class picture. Now the teacher urged the kids to pay $2 for individual copies. She said, “In 30 years you’ll be able to say, ‘This is Valerie; she’s a lawyer now’; ‘here’s Bobby, he runs a grocery store;’ ’ there’s Jackie, who’s a real estate broker’…”
Then a voice came from the back of the room, “‘And there’s our teacher, Mrs. Sanborn. She’s dead.’”
Row Me Over
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it anymore, she called out to the blonde in the field.
“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of a field?”
The blonde in the boat stops rowing and replies, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the woman in the boat. “It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”
The other woman just shrugged her shoulders and continued to row.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, “Oh if I only knew how to swim I would come out there and kick your ass.”
Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:
OK, I guess if we can have blonde jokes, we can have horribly racist jokes. Everybody understands that these are just jokes, right?
So…
What happens when a naked Jewish man with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
What happens when a naked Asian man with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.