Good jokes you've heard recently

[dougie_monty]

@Der_Trihs

Blonde jokes? I like this one:

I found a cartoon in Sex to Sexty once that I decided to improve on by changing the caption–since I started using a personal computer I’ve done that hundreds of times.

The scene is a kitchen, with a woman on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. (For some reason, cartoons of women scrubbing the floor tend to show them missing one or more items of clothing. This one has no panties on.)

The family dog has coupled with the woman from behind! The husband sees this and the woman says (my caption) “DO something, dammit! Do you want me to have PUPPIES?!”

[dougie_monty]

@vivalostwages

How do Jews celebrate the Christmas season?

They dance around the cash register singing “What a friend we have in Jesus…”

Well, now, isn’t THAT interesting!
Who was this guy Mammon?:mad::mad:

[Malacandra]

@Ulf_the_Unwashed

I did Google “lollo rosso” [an unfamiliar term to me; I am familiar with arugula] and it did only take about five seconds, but it didn’t help me understand the “joke.” Sorry.

Allow me to suggest “rocket salad leaf” and “elton john rocket man lyrics” as search terms if you want to have a go at losing those scare-quotes.

[parkega3]

Hunting and Talking

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences as guys do when they have time on their hands.

The first guy says, “The worst thing that ever happened to me was, I was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and I fell, breaking every bone in my body. I was hospitalized for six months.”

The second guy says, “The worst thing that ever happened to me was, I was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over me, breaking my back. I wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.”

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”

“Yeah? what happened next?” asks his friend.

“I got a little too close to the ground and – WHAM – a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”

One of the other guys said, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”

He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . .”

Question…

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

[BobLibDem]

A blonde is driving down the highway when she notices a sod truck going the opposite way.

“That’s what I want to do if I win the lottery” she tells her friend.

“What’s that?”

“Send my yard out to get mowed!”

[Melchior]

A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn’t think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.

He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him, “Well, that’s the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!”

The salesman continue to prod the farmer about the pig’s wooden legs. “Well,” the farmer replied, “this pig is just like one of the family. He’s a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He’s one really great pig!”

The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied, “Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!”

Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, “All right already, That’s enough! He’s a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!”

To which the farmer replied, “Well now, a great pig like that - you don’t eat him all at once!”

[Malthus]

@Melchior

A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn’t think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.

He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him, “Well, that’s the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!”

The salesman continue to prod the farmer about the pig’s wooden legs. “Well,” the farmer replied, “this pig is just like one of the family. He’s a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He’s one really great pig!”

The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied, “Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!”

Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, “All right already, That’s enough! He’s a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!”

To which the farmer replied, “Well now, a great pig like that - you don’t eat him all at once!”

A sense a sequel to Babe in the making.

[Melchior]

A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, “Who writes this crap?”

[dougie_monty]

@Melchior

A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, “Who writes this crap?”

I heard a variation on that–but first a word from my experience as a Mensan.

One of the Special Interest Groups I was in was the ABSURD Sig. In one newsletter was this dialog:

Q. Why did Natalie Wood refuse to shower on the boat?
A. She wanted to wash up on shore.

I told that to a girl I’d gone to high school with–real knockout, probably had an I. Q. of 150 herself. She told me this:

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater as a gift. In his thank-you note he wrote,
“This is the most violent novel I have ever read.”

[buddha_david]

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So people could read her lips.

[Dead_Cat]

What does a frog do when his car breaks down? He gets it toad.

[buddha_david]

Did you hear the one about Helen Keller, the python, and sixteen tons of maple syrup?

Neither did she.

Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away?

You would too if your name was Urghrrghrghr.

Why was Helen Keller such a terrible driver?

Because she’s a woman.

[Find_Friends]

@dougie_monty

I found a cartoon in Sex to Sexty once that I decided to improve on by changing the caption–since I started using a personal computer I’ve done that hundreds of times.

The scene is a kitchen, with a woman on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. (For some reason, cartoons of women scrubbing the floor tend to show them missing one or more items of clothing. This one has no panties on.)

The family dog has coupled with the woman from behind! The husband sees this and the woman says (my caption) “DO something, dammit! Do you want me to have PUPPIES?!”

I’m sure that it wasn’t in any of the issues I had read. So what was the original caption?

@parkega3

---

Question…

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

I may regret asking, but why?

[doorhinge]

@Trans Fat Og

I may regret asking, but why?

Because Tarzan shaves his face.

[FXMastermind]

@parkega3

Question…

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

@Trans Fat Og

I may regret asking, but why?

Because he’s not gay.

[FXMastermind]

See? Mine was funny.

[terentii]

@dougie_monty

Q. Why did Natalie Wood refuse to shower on the boat?
A. She wanted to wash up on shore.

What did Grace Kelley have that Natalie Wood could have used?

A good stroke!

What were Dennis Wilson’s last words?

“Help, help me, Rhonda!”

What song is Richard Carpenter using for his comeback?

“She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Sister.”

Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new piano?

No? That’s okay; neither has he.

What did the police find in Whitney Houston’s apartment?

An old black bag full of drugs, floating in the bathtub.

[terentii]

@parkega3

---

Sunbathing, a true story

A rather well-proportioned secretary, we’ll call her Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Frasier Gotta Have It — Frasier Transcripts Season 5 Episode 19 — The Frasier Archives

[Find_Friends]

Why did Heller Keller, a left-handed woman, always use her right hand to… uh, pleasure herself?

(Think about this one for a moment!)

Simple! She needed her left hand free to sigh and moan!

[terentii]

What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?

Corduroy.