What do you call Karen Carpenter with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Okay, it’s time for the Big Orange Head joke:
It’s famously divisive: people either love it or totally don’t get it. For my money, it’s one of the funniest jokes I know.
I totally don’t get it. However, I tell a similar one. Starts out the same way, but the guy has a small head the size of an orange. Not an orange, just about that size. He had rescued a mermaid <insert exposition here> and for the third wish he wanted to have sex with her. She looked down at her big fin and then up at him and said, “Well, I can’t have sex.” He said, “Well, how about a little head?”
Bwahaha that is hilarious!
A guy goes into a bar every day after work for five years. Whenever he does, the ugliest dude he’s ever seen is invariably sitting in the corner, surrounded by a half-dozen gorgeous women who fawn over him.
The guy is finally so pissed off he calls the bartender over. “Tell me something: I’ve come in here every day after work for the last five years and that ugly guy is always sitting over there surrounded by beautiful women. How the hell does he do it?”
The bartender shrugs. “Damned if I know. All he does is come in, lick his eyebrows, and the girls just flock over to him!” :eek:
Hear about the guy who used to root for the Tractors before shifting his loyalties to another football team?
He’s now an ex-Tractor fan! 
Now THAT’S funny!!!
I thought it was an Ethiopian with a yeast infection. :dubious:
What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog?
A “vegetarian.”
What do you call an Ethiopian walking two dogs?
A “rancher.”
What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth?
A “rake.”
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump?
A “show-off.”
What do you call an Ethiopian stillborn in the middle of the night?
“Breakfast.”
No, no, no! The guy starts out with a *normal *head, and the mermaid misunderstands his final wish!
The guy with the orange head was wishing for a knob the size of an orange … right? :dubious:
It’s all good, then. 
No. He’s just really bad at wishing.
Turns out I misread the intro to this joke. Never mind!
A guy sends his wife a text:
He gets a text message a few minutes later from his wife:
What did Hellen Keller most regret reading?
This!
His Lordship was in the study at Downtown Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
“May I ask you a question my lord?”
"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.
“I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on.”
“What word is that?” said his lordship.
“Aplomb”, my lord.
“Now that’s a difficult one to explain.
I would say it is self assurance or complete composure.”
“Thank you, my lord, but I’m still a little confused.”
“Let me give you an example to make it clearer.
Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”
“I remember the occasion very well, my lord.
It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”
“Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”
“I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”
“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”
Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord,
and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”
“That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore,
Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate,
even though it was extremely tender.”
“Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice,
“Darling is your prick still throbbing?”
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
"Now that is aplomb!”
The wife of a computer programmer asks him to pick up a loaf of bread at a local store. She says that if they have fresh eggs to pick up a dozen.
The computer programmer brings home a dozen loaves of bread.
That’s a problem with the manual, obviously.
Regards,
Shodan
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Isn’t there a particle-physics variation of that? Maybe “a tachyon”?
How many Ethiopians can you fit in an elevator?
A: All of them
What’s so great about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian?
A: Because you KNOW she’ll swallow