Do you know what happened when Helen Keller fell into a well?
She screamed her hand off.
Do you know how her parents used to punish her?
She signed “look 36 posts up.” (Post 1404)
(Response to Dougie)
Everybody knows about the George Washington Monument. But have you ever heard of the Martha Washington counterpart?
It’s the box, several hundred feet long, that George’s came in!
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate 'er tit a lot.
Aside, true story: The Washington Monument is 555 feet tall. At NASA Glenn Research Center, there is a pit for dropping things in, to briefly study the effects of zero-G. It’s 556 feet deep. Naturally, its nickname is thus the “Martha Washington Monument”.
Heh, I first heard this joke as a poker joke. Really rang true back when I was heavy into online poker.
*A farmer in the midwest was out checking his crops when he heard a voice…
Voice: take your money and go to Vegas
The farmer being a sane man as you and I ignored the voice but everytime he got in the field he heard it…
Voice: take your money and go to Vegas
After weeks and weeks the man was in the field one day
Voice: take your money and go to Vegas
He cracks, he goes gets his shovel goes behind the barn and digs up a jar that contains his savings: $10,000, then he goes to the airport and takes the next flight to Las Vegas.
He arrives in Vegas steps out of the airport…
Voice: get a cab and go to Binions, get a cab and go to Binions
The man does just that, when he arrives at the casino and gets out of the cab, he hears the whisper…
Voice: go inside and enter the WSOP
The man does as instructed, he takes his life savings, 10Grand, and enters the main event.
He sits at the table and tourny begins… he hears nothing. Then later after a few rounds as the dealer is shuffling the cards…
Voice: go all in! go all in!
Then without hesitation he announces hes ALL-IN. In the dark sir The dealer asked. Yes, all-in. Amazingly!, he gets four callers, the cards are dealt and man recieves the A of clubs and the A of spades. The flop comes:
9H TH JH
Voice: fffuuucccckkkk!!!*
Two ways:
(a) They rearranged the furniture.
(b) They left a plunger in the toilet.
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Ilene.
What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg?
Irene.
What are they calling the new movie about a gay Vietnam vet who goes on a rampage?
Rambutt.
The way I heard it, she wore her fingers to stubs yelling for help.
The way I heard it, she wore her fingers to stubs yelling for help.
Before or after she burned them trying to read a waffle iron? 
A man comes home and calls out to his wife, “Pack your bags, I won the lottery!”
The wife says, “Great! Where are we going?”
Husband says, “I don’t care where you go, bitch. Just get out!”
Sorry, that’s a hardware issue.
Boyo Jim:
+5 
556 feet deep compared to 555 feet tall? Sounds like a pretty tight fit. 
Especially if Martha’s mine shaft is ribbed for extra support. 
I was going to hold off on the inevitable prophylactic joke. Thank you.
Well, an almost true story:
The way I heard the joke (ca. 1970) was pretty basic:
Q. What’s the Martha Washington Monument?
A. It’s a 555-foot hole in the ground.