What was Whitney Houston’s favorite kind of coordination?
Hand–eye-eye-eye-eye-eye…
Young Ozzie dole bludger walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing dole checks…
I’d really rather have a job… I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing
"The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.
"The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You’re bullshittin’ me!
"The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it.”
Why won’t [Ethnics of Group 1] marry [Ethnics of Group 2]?
Their kids would be too dumb to steal.
Seal walks into a bar, says “get me anything but a canadian club.”
True Confessions of a Golfer
A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father.” said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.
“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.
I was riding my motorcycle behind a dust covered van yesterday and saw something written in the dirt. As I got closer, instead of the old “Wash me!” written on the back window was the following: “If only my wife was this dirty.”
The Rev. Dr. Spooner went to the movies. He asked for some popcorn.
He wound up watching a film about naked policewomen.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
It’s me, the chicken!
What’s the primary mating call of a blonde?
“I am sooooooooo drunk!”
What’s the secondary mating call of a blonde?
“Didn’t you hear me? I said, ‘I am sooooooooo drunk!’”
In the somewhat different version I heard, all of the above happens during a game between Jesus and St Peter. At the end, Peter turns to JC (who’s just standing there with a silly grin on his face) and asks
“Look: You gonna play golf, or are you gonna fuck around all day?”
Reminds me of the Polish travel agency that advertised cheap ocean cruises. Micha sees the sign in the window, walks in the door and asks, “How much?”
“100 zlotys,” the man behind the counter says. “Paid in advance.”
Micha says, “I just got paid, I have that,” and shows him.
“Great!” says the man behind the counter. He grabs a bat, knocks Micha over the head, stuffs him in a barrel, and drops the barrel through a trap door into the river, where it is quickly swept out into the Baltic Sea.
When Micha comes to, he seems to be all alone in the middle of the ocean. He yells “Hello?” a few times, but gets no response. He floats for hours, sometimes dozing. Then he sees a speck on the horizon. He starts paddling furiously, and eventually gets close enough to see that it’s another man in a barrel! He redoubles his efforts, and finally reaches the other man.
Micha says, “Let me guess. You bought a cheap ocean cruise at that travel agency in Gdansk, didn’t you?” The man in the other barrel says, “Why, yes, I did.”
Silence for a few minutes. Then Micha says, “I don’t suppose they’re going to feed us?”
And the other guy says, “I doubt it. They didn’t when I took the same cruise last year.”
Ah, golf jokes.
Jesus and St Peter are playing golf, and Jesus hits his tee shot into a bunker over 200 yards from the green, with a big lake to traverse.
St Peter says, “You should just pitch out, there’s no way you can reach the green from there,” but Jesus says, “No, I can do it. I saw Tiger Woods make this shot a couple years ago.”
So Jesus paces off the distance, keeps throwing up grass to check the wind, dithers over which club to use, and then has his caddie pace off the distance again. By this time, three groups are backed up behind them, waiting for Jesus to hit. He finally makes up his mind, swings with all his might, and the ball slices straight into the lake, not even close to making the green.
One of the guys waiting for them walks over to St Peter and says, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ or something?”
And St Peter replies, “No, no, he really is Jesus Christ. But he thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
Wrong again… they’re about Priests!
Mother Nature
A Priest and his best friend, a Baptist Minister, are out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. The Priest hit it way left, the Minister way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.
So the Priest went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a beautiful field of Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.
Well, Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the Priest, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all. Now they are all ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”
The Priest started to laugh and went back to whacking at his ball in the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you think is so funny?”
The Priest looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side hacking away at your Pussywillows.”
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
[this might be back in thread, but belongs here]
Rabbi skips shul, goes golfing on Yom Kippur.
God sees. Gives him a hole in one.
COP-PORN! Well, duh, I got it too, everybody’s thinking. But this has a special appeal to me because the wordplay occurred to me some months back and I’ve had it in the back of my mind ever since. Thank you!
And it certainly fits the man who said “Our Shoving Leopard” and spoke fondly of gown-less evening straps at a campus dance.
Blizzard
There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. ‘Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,’ said the hospitable old man. ‘But, I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.’
‘Oh!’ said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, ‘Just how far is it to the next house?’
A guy is out playing golf with a buddy one Saturday afternoon when his ball ends up in the rough. He grabs a nine-iron and starts making his way through the woods looking for his ball, when he comes to a shallow ravine filled with brush. He descends carefully through the brambles and thorns until he notices a skeleton dressed in a tattered polo shirt and baseball cap and clutching an identical golf club.
“Hey!” yells his buddy from up above. “You okay down there?”
“You ain’t gonna believe this!” he yells back.
“What’s the matter?” asks his buddy.
The guy shakes his head and replies…
“Toss me a wedge; you can’t get outta here with a nine-iron!”
Swiping this right out of a movie I saw tonight …
At three am a cop sees a car weaving on the road and pulls it over. The driver is clearly drunk.
The cop says, “Where you going to this time of night?”
Driver: “I’m going to a lecture on the evils of alcohol and the danger of drunk driving.”
Cop: “Who’s going to give you this lecture at 3 in the morning?”
Driver: “My wife.”
What do you get when you cross an Ethnic from South of the Border with someone of a certain Ethno-Religious persuasion?
A janitor who thinks he owns the building.
Maybe he should have said, "“How far is it to the next joke?”
I think the movie swiped it first.