I’m impressed. Usually people don’t get it.
Or else you’re all politely ignoring me. 
I chuckled. But I’ve heard it before.
And what makes you think we’re being polite?
I get it. Who’s he gonna tell?
Yeah, the version of that one I’d always heard involved a priest skipping Sunday Mass. Same concept, though.
But what’s to stop him from telling everyone, and just not mentioning the day?
You have to be old enough to remember Sam Snead’s hillbilly accent for this to work.
A lot of people thought Sam was Jewish, because he did an ad for Pepto-Bismol where he said, “I play golf for a living, so I cain’t afford to be sick on the Day of Atonement.”
The Perfect Man
The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.
MR.POTATO HEAD
He’s tan.
He’s cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
A bloke goes to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The owner of the store presents him with three different parrots:
- This one costs $200. It sings beautifully on demand, but if you ask it to be quiet it will do so instantly.
- All right, what about the next one?
- Well… This other one speaks seven languages. So if you’re looking to learn French, Italian, Mandarin or Indonesian, this little parrot can serve as your language teacher as well as your pet. It costs just $500.
The store owner then turns to the third parrot. It is completely bald, ugly, missing an eye, and instead of squawking, singing or talking, it swears non-stop.
- This one is the best one we have. The price tag is $3,000
- How? It’s ugly and annoying, what special skills does it have to make it that expensive?
- I don’t know Sir, but all the other parrots call him ‘Maestro’.
I… don’t get it.
I think it’s a dig at conductors (the orchestra type, not the electrical type). I think every musician has had the experience of trying to perform under a conductor who has no musical talent and who relies on yelling, cursing, etc. to “motivate” others. In the joke, two birds have talent, while the third (“Maestro”) has no skills, no looks, and a foul mouth.
A woman has always wanted a pet parrot. One day, she’s walking by a pet store and they have a beautiful parrot at a ridiculous price. She goes in to inquire and the owner confirms the price but warns her that he got it from an retired whorehouse madam and the parrot is really rude. At It’s price she doesn’t care and buys it.
She takes it home and removes the cage cover. The parrot looks around and squawks “New house, same old business.” He sees his new owner and squawks “New house,new madam, same old business.”
Now,the parrot’s new owner is a little put off, but she thinks it’s still kind of cute. Her opinion changes when her daughters get home from school and the parrot squawks “New house, new madam, new whores,same old business.”
The parrot’s day is done when her husband gets home. The parrot looks at him and squawks " New house, new madam, new whores,same old business. So,how’s it going, Bob?"
Apologies for any typos, I’m on ky phone.
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician get up early one day and go to a cafe in the city. It’s a beautiful morning so they decide to sit outside. Across the street they see two people open up a shop and just moments later they see three people leave and lock the shop back up.
The biologist says “they’ve reproduced.”
The physicist says “we’ve started from incorrect data.”
Finally, the mathematician says “now if just one more person enters that building it’ll be empty.”
If a man speaks and his wife is not there to hear it, is he still wrong?
No Toilet Paper
Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out and went completely around the bend on the cocktails. Now, incredibly drunk and walking home, they need to pee.
They were walking near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave she used and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other and said, “This damn girls night out has got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you.’”
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Similar to yours, Partkega:
A florist’s assistant was handling phone orders. A customer called to order flowers for a funeral and wanted a long banner with a message.
“I want the banner in white with gold lettering,” said the customer. "I want it to read ‘REST IN PEACE’ on both sides, and, if there is room, “WE SHALL MEET IN HEAVEN.’”
The assistant took the order.
The flowers were delivered to the funeral with a banner reading:
REST IN PEACE ON BOTH SIDES
IF THERE IS ROOM WE SHALL MEET IN HEAVEN
New Jersey Body Map
One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion’s apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.
Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside. She explained to him that this was “Freehold.” Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast. She told him that this was “Point Pleasant.” Again, she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked, “So, is this must be Cherry Hill?”
She smiled at him and said, “No, this is Eatontown.”
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Hey, babe, mind if I whippany your parsippany?
That depends. Is he heard by his mother, whom he never visits, never calls, and never treats properly, hm?
JKellyMap - good one!
Santa’s Flight Check
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harness, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to everyone’s surprise, a shotgun!
“What in the world is that for??” asked Santa.
The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyway?
My clothes are shevled, my hair’s kempt, and when I got to work this morning my boss told me I was missed. Guess I’m having a credible day.
Like.