Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1542

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt …
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche…
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots…Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital…one’s in a korma… The other’s got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
Billy says, ’ Wimbledon …’

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: ‘I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.’
He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

1543

Are you sure it wasn’t Amon Joy?

1544

Women pleasing dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two shots of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, ‘Can your dog do any other tricks?’

‘Oh well… yes, of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing. The man looks down at the dog and shouts, ‘It’s always the same thing with you!’

‘Look, I’ll show you how to do this one last time’.

If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

1545

I love little Johnny jokes.

Johnny has a bunch of ball bearings in his pocket. The teacher says, “Special quiz today - if anyone can answer any of the questions I ask, I’ll dismiss class early and you can have a long weekend? First question…how deep is the deepest point in the ocean, expressed in furlongs?” No answers.

She goes on. “If you were in a rocket ship and flew to the moon in six hours, how fast would you be going. expressed in centimeters per fortnight?” No answers.

As she gets ready to ask the next question, Johnny pulls out a handful of ball bearings and throws them across the floor. They make an awful racket. The teacher yells, “All right, who’s the character with the steel balls?”

Johnny jumps up and says, “Superman, Teach - see ya Monday!”

1546

Mrs. Burpo is Slovakian; I had to run like hell after I told her that joke–that’s how you know how good it is. :smiley:

1547

I get the same reaction from my dad’s current wife when I crack a joke about bouncing a Czech. :wink:

1548

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

1549

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         Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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          I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed..  How could anyone stoop so low.

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        I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

      I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
1550

This reminded me of a long-forgotten bit from a “tabloid” of the 1960s. (Back then, that was a term for mildly naughty papers the pharmacist used to yell at us kids for reading at the news stand…you know, the kind with black bars across the women’s tits.)

They had an “advice columnist” named Dear Scabby who would answer phony questions. One went something like this:

“Scabby, I think you’re really sexy and I’d like to eat you out. But I’m a midget. Do you think I could?”

To which Scabby replied, “Sure, if someone put you up to it.”

1551

You’d be surprised. There’s this somebody… that I used to know…

1552

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns. “Blind man”, replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice tits,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

1553

Another philosophy class joke.

For a final exam, a philosophy professor writes a single question on the white board:

           What is Courage?

Everyone starts scribbling in their blue books. On guy calmly writes for a very short time, then turns in his blue book, and leaves.

His answer? “This is”.

J.

1554

3 Physics jokes. Probably only understandable to those who know who Feynman, Heisenberg, and Schrodinger are.

  1. Feynman and Heisenberg are on a roadtrip with Feynman driving. Heisenberg says, “slow down, you’re going to fast”. Feynman says, "No I’m not. I’ve kept my speed at precisely 60 miles per hour. Heisenberg says, “You idiot! Now we have no idea where we are!”

  2. Heisenberg is driving a car down the road and gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg answers, “No, but I know precisely where I am.”

  3. Schrodinger is driving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop. The cop is a little suspicious and orders Schrodinger to pop the trunk. The cop walks back, looks in the trunk, sticks his head out and says, “Hey, do you know you have a dead cat in here?” Schrodinger answers, “Well, I DO NOW!!!”

1555

I love these jokes because they make me smile and understanding them boosts my ego :smiley: . Good to see that I still remember some high school physics

1556

Viagra as diet pill

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: “Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast… eggs, bacon, toast…”

The husband says: “No, I’m not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite.”

Later in the day, the wife says: “Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets…”

The husband again refuses, “I’m just not hungry after using that viagra.”

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, “Are you hungry yet? I’ll fix us a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls.”

The husband still refuses, “No, that Viagra just kills my appetite.”

The wife then firmly says “Well, I’m AM hungry, now get OFF me!!!”

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

1557

Husband and wife are going on vacation to Florida, but she has a big project at work she needs to finish, so it’s agreed he’ll head down first and she’ll fly down the following week.

He loses his cell phone on the trip down and has to get a new one when he arrives. He texts his wife to let her know he made it but gets her number wrong when he enters it from memory. So the text ends up going to a woman who’s husband died the day before.

The text reads “Hi honey, horrible trip but I finally made it. It’s really hot down here! Can’t wait to see you when you come down next week.”

1558

The elementary school class was set the exercise of writing a short story to illustrate the meaning of the word “frugal”. Little Johnny, however, had not been listening in class, and only had a vague idea what the word meant. He was pretty sure, though, that it had something to do with saving. This was his story:
Once upon a time a brave knight was riding through the countryside. He came to a big tower. There was a princess in the tower, and she cried out to the knight, “Frugal me! Frugal me!”

So he climbed up the tower and frugaled her, and they lived happily ever after.

1559

An American and a Frenchman parting after a night of the town.

The American: Au reservoir !

The Frenchman: Tanks !

1560

3 men in Saudi

An American, a Brit and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled crate of booze when the Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday on the very day their trial finished. The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving a whipping of just 20 lashes each.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before you receive the lash.”

The Brit was first in line. He thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and screaming in pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the big British ex-patriot in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away crying loudly.

The American was last, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

1561

I like this https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-qQph1CJBsis/U2m0D1PFNEI/AAAAAAAARsY/TUxwUaRBB70/w667-h735-no/P1000586.JPG