Another class was studying the Saxon Kings of England and were set a homework assignment on Alfred the Great. The teacher said “Please, whatever you do, don’t drag in the old story about how Alfred burnt the cakes. I have read that about five hundred times over the years and I do not need to read it again”.
So one student submitted a beautifully researched and written essay that concluded “One day when King Alfred was out walking, he met a peasant woman, who invited him into her house. I am not allowed to say what happened next”.
A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba.
“How did it go?” asked his father.
“Great,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘C’.”
The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson.
“Terrific,” said the child. “I learned how to play a ‘G’.”
The following week the child didn’t come home. The father was frantic with
worry when the child didn’t come home until 2:00 AM.
“Where in heck have you been ,” shouted the father.
“I had a gig!!” answered the son.
This one has some bad language in it, so I’ll spoiler the punch line.
A teacher is teaching her students the alphabet. She goes through the alphabet from start to finish, asking anyone if they know a word that starts with that letter.
In her class, she has a little boy named Johnny who has a very dirty mouth. So when she asks for a word starting with “A”, Johnny waves his hand saying “teacher! teacher!”. The teacher knows what word he is going to come up, so she calls on someone else.
Then she asks for a word starting with “B”. Again, Johnny waves his hand saying “teacher! teacher!”. Again, the teacher knows what word he is going to come up, so she calls on someone else.
It goes this way until the teacher finally reaches the letter “R”. She can’t come up with any dirty word starting with “R”, so she finally calls on Johnny.
Ok, here’s one I read recently. I tried to tone it down a little:
So I was 16 and still a virgin. Got a text from gf asking if I wanted to come over.
Went over, nobody else home. Girlfriend was in some hot halloween costume.
“So what’s up” I said
She replied “I tell ya whats going to be up soon”
She grabbed me by my belt and pulled me upstairs. Got in her room, she took off my jeans. We began having sex on her bed. She started moaning and screaming.
Suddenly, her dad walked in. Oh fuck. I couldn’t hear him because she was screaming too much.
Dad gives me the look of a suicide bomber before he explodes. I start putting on my jeans as fast as I can. He doesnt waste any time and grabs me by neck.
“DAD STOP”
I can’t breathe, think this is it for me. He throws me out of the window.
Glass is everywhere
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
Hot night, wind was blowing
Where you think you’re going baby?
Guy heads straight to the bar after a long day at work. It’s still early, so he has no problem finding a spot to himself at the end.
Sipping his drink he hears a voice say “Hey, nice shirt!”
Weird. Nobody around. He shrugs it off.
Little while later, same voice: “That’s a sharp looking tie!”
“Wow,” the guy thinks…“Been a long day, I’m hearing things.” Takes another sip of his drink.
Not too much later, the voice says “That shirt’s a great color on you!”
The guy’s had enough, “Bartender! C’mere!”
Bartenders strolls over, “What’s up bub?”
“I’m sitting here minding my own business, nobody else around. I keep hearing this voice, saying nice shirt, nice tie, like your haircut…what’s going on in this bar?”
I guess the punchline is that the lyrics referring to a dreamy muscular sexy male body in a female’s fantasy can also be referring to a half-naked teenager running from a date’s angry parent?
I know of the song. I think it’s aimed more at the teen market, and the average age of posters here at the Dope is in the early to mid 40s, as best as we can tell.
We know the songs that were aimed at the teen market 25 years ago, though.
This one is best spoken out loud (or not, as it’s quite potentially offensive and not for polite company), as the proper written formatting would kinda spoil it:
Guy: What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty nine year olds?
Millionaire Texas cattleman is driving his HUGE convertible somewhere in Maine. He sees a farmer working on a fence at the side of the road, and pulls over for directions, but instead asks him:
Hey, son, might I ask how big yer property is?
Farmer says, pointing: Well it goes down to the crick there, runs along the crick fer a spell, goes about thousand feet to the road ya came down and right back t’here.
Tex says: Hell, son, you know, I can get in my car at the crack of dawn, drive 'til the sun goes down and still not reach the end of m’land.
