A biology teacher says to his class, “Today we will take Mr. Frog apart and see what makes him tick. I have a frog in my pocket to use as a specimen.” He takes a bundle out of a coat pocket and unrolls it on the desk. Out rolls a badly squashed ham sandwich. The teacher says, “I distinctly remember eating my lunch!”
Efficiency at the Restaurant
I took some friends out to dinner last week and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a bit odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”
“Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analysis, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen and save time… nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift.” Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. “I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of making a special trip,” he proudly explained.
I was impressed. “Thanks. I just had to ask.”
“No problem,” he answered. And then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me, but… um… why, or what… is that string?”
“Oh, yeah” he began in a quieter tone. “Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the restroom, too.”
“How’s that?”
“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!”
“Oh, that makes sense,” I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, “Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys; but I use my spoon.”
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
I got this one from my nephew last night:
The teacher of a first grade class asked her students, “Who here is an Obamafan?” as she raised her hand.
The kids didn’t really know what she meant, but they wanted to be a part of it, so they raised their hands. All except little Tommy.
“Tommy,” the teacher asked, “aren’t you an Obamafan?”
“No teacher, I’m not” Tommy replied.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a republican.”
“Why are you a republican?”
Tommy paused a second then replied, “Well, my dad’s a republican, my mom’s a republican, so I’m a republican.”
“And if your dad was an idiot and your mom a moron what would that make you?”
Tommy’s eyes lit up and he replied, “An Obamafan.”
I laughed! (And I’m more or less what you and your nephew apparently might call an “Obamafan”.)
Of course, the joke could work the other way just as well. Indeed, you could insert any contrasting groups (“Yankees fans” and “Red Sox fans,” “Tories” and “Labour,” “nose-in parkers” and “back-in parkers,” etc.).
My daughter came up with this one yesterday.
What do you call a computer network in Australia?
The LAN down under.
Q. What do you call a groupie who likes to hang out with musicians?
A. A drummer.
Did you hear about the termite with false teeth? He goes into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so; why do we say, “It’s all right”? Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That really hurt you dumb sh*t, why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK…? (then it’s you!)
~
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like…night!!!
And what about florists?
Still virgins.
Why do we drive on a par…
Sitting in a bar drinking with a friend, I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and said, “That’s us in ten years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, dipshit.”
This another very old story.
The Pastor’s Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race,
and it won that race too.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
“BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS”.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!
The Bishop fainted …
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.
So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
“NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10”.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey,
and take it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is … . . being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery, even shorten your life
Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:
TA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
“Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don’t need your lectures.”
From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says
“Dat’s DA terd one dis mornin’.”
“Yaa,” Pastor Sean agrees, then asks,
"Do ya tink maybe DA sign should just say,……. ‘Bridge Out?’ “
What did the one snowman say to the other?
“Hey, do you smell carrots?”
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender “I’ll take a beer and one for the road.”
Q. What did Geronimo say when he parachuted out of an airplane?
A. “Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
That’s been updated:
“Eleventh Doctooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
Three mice are sitting around having an argument about which one of them is the toughest.
The first mouse says, “When I eat cheese I like to find an unsprung mousetrap, and I position myself right underneath the arm. Then, I grab the cheese and ‘WHAM!’ I get slammed by the trap. Only then do I take a bite of cheese.”
The second mouse says, “Yeah, I guess that’s kinda tough… But when I eat cheese I find some rat poison to add some spice. I take a bite of cheese, then a bite poison, then a bite of cheese… That’s how I like to eat my cheese!”
The third mouse yawns and says, “Well, boys, I’d love to sit around and chat, but I’ve got to go fuck the cat.”
Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?
He’s married.
Please explain. 
In Doctor Who, the Eleventh Doctor’s very first catch phrase (even before “Bow ties are cool”) was “Geronimo!”