Oh.
The doctor wrote me a prescription for suppositories. Fuckin’ quack - they tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my ass! :mad:
Why did the Siamese Twins move to London?
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So the other one could drive.
No, no, that’s an-ul-jee-zick; they go in your mouth. 
A boy throws a baseball in the air. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” He takes a swing at it with his bat, but misses.
He tries again. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” Same result.
One more try. Strike three.
Dejected, he starts to walk away and then exclaims, “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”
That one literally made me laugh out loud.
When three people have sex, it’s called a threesome.
When two people have sex, it’s called a twosome.
Now you know why we call you handsome.
A man is playing golf, and not too well. His latest shot lands in the trees.
He goes to look for his ball, and finds it next to a broken lamp, with an Arabian-looking man wearing genie garb nearby.
“Thank you for releasing me from imprisonment,” says the genie. “As a reward, I will grant you three wishes.”
The man thinks about it a minute and says “I’ve really been wanting a new Lamborghini.” The genie concentrates a moment and says “Done. When you return home, you will find the Lamborghini in your garage.”
“Wow, that’s great,” says the man. “You know, I’ve been having a little trouble keeping up with the Joneses. I could use a little extra cash.” The genie concentrates a moment and says “Done. Your bank account has been increased by half a million dollars.”
The man is thoroughly happy upon hearing this news, then says “You know, I’d like to make the last wish for my wife. She’s been putting up with me for years and deserves a reward.”
The genie says “Sir, before I grant you your last wish, I have been without the company of women for 200 years. Might I have an hour with your beautiful wife?”
The man runs back to the clubhouse and finds his wife. He tells her about the genie and convinces her to spend an hour with him. The wife goes out to find the genie, and they make whoopee in the forest.
As she puts her clothes back on, the genie asks, “Madam, if I may ask, how old is your husband?”
“Forty-five. Why do you ask?”
“Isn’t that a little old to believe in genies?”
An Italian, A Jew, and a Greek all die at the same time and find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them “You three barely qualify for Heaven. You screw up one time here, and you’re going to Hell!”
He tells the Italian “You’re a glutton. You eat too much pasta. Have any pasta here, and you’re going to Hell!”
He tells the Jew “You care too much about money. Don’t even think about getting money here, or you’re going to Hell!”
He tells the Greek “You fornicate too much. You’ll bugger anything with a hole in it. If you even think about sex, you’re going to Hell!”
So the three walk down Heaven’s gold-paved streets until they pass an Italian restaurant. The Italian smells the delicious sauce and says “I think I’ll have some lunch.” The other two tell him “Don’t go in there! YOu heard what St. Peter said about eating pasta!” The Italian says “Aw, they’re not going to worry about one little plate of spaghetti.”
He goes, orders a plate of spaghetti, and when he takes his first bite, he disappears.
So the Jew and Greek continue their walk. Soon, they see a ten-dollar bill laying on the sidewalk. The Jew walks toward it, and the Greek says “Don’t pick up that ten-dollar bill! You heard what St. Peter said about getting money!”
The Jew says, “Aw they’re not going to worry about ten measly dollars.” So he bends over to pick up the bill, and the Greek disappears.
^ Then the Jew disappears. 
No, the punchline is that the Greek guy disappeared. Because the Jewish guy bent over. And the Greek guy was gay.
Three moles were tunneling along when they came up near an IHOP. The first mole pops up, takes a sniff and says, “I smell pancakes”
The second mole pops up, take a sniff and says, “I smell bacon.”
The third mole pops up, takes a sniff and says, “I smell moleasses.”
A company is like a troop of monkeys climbing a tree. The monkeys higher up look down and see a bunch of smiling faces. The monkeys farther down look up and see a bunch of assholes.
Thank you, I understood the joke, and thought an extra little chuckle couldn’t hurt.
Dude, you tell it wrong!
Morningtime at Mole House. Papa Mole runs to the hole, pokes his head out, and says, “Mmm, I smell pancakes!” Mama Mole runs to the hole, squeezes her head out beside him, and says, “Mmm, and I smell bacon!” Baby Mole runs up to the hole, but Mama and Papa are blocking the way. “Aww,” he says, “All I can smell is molasses!”
Not gay, just Greek.
Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece?
A: With a crowbar.
Gotta blame it on my nieces. It was a favorite joke of theirs for a couple of months. I do like your telling though.
Three guys pitch up at the Pearly Gates, and they all have some anxiety about the wicked times they spent on Earth, but Saint Peter tells them not to worry. However, he explains, there is one new rule they will have to remember: “Don’t tread on any ducks”. Then he issues them with their harps and robes and haloes and ushers them in.
To their surprise they find that the ground is liberally carpeted with ducks and it’s a constant effort to find a clear space to put their feet, and sure enough one of them soon treads on a duck. Moments later an angel appears with a really hideous woman in tow and tells the offender “Sorry, you were warned,” and handcuffs him to the hideous woman - as far as anyone can tell, for ever.
So the next two are really careful for the next few days, and then one of them gets careless and before the outraged quacking even has time to die away, an angel appears with an even more hideous woman, and it’s handcuff time again.
Because of this the third guy is really careful, and months go by before, without warning, an angel appears with a fantastically stacked blonde and a set of handcuffs. He handcuffs the pair of them together and then flits off, as angels will.
“Gosh,” wonders the man, “whatever did I do to deserve this?”
And the gorgeous blonde shrugs and says “I don’t know what you did, but I trod on a duck.”
A blonde calls her mom and tells her, “Guess what ma, I’m getting married!”
The mother replies “That’s great, honey! Who’s the lucky guy?”
“His name’s Leonard Popadophulos.”
“So he’s Greek?”
“Yes ma.”
“Honey, listen to your mother. Don’t ever turn over for a Greek guy.”
Later, the blonde and the Greek get married. They have their honeymoon that night and make whoopee.
“Honey, that was great,” says the new husband. “Now turn over.”
“No” said the blonde.
“Why not?”
“My mom said I should never turn over for a Greek guy.”
He responds “How are we gonna make babies if you don’t turn over?”
A sloppy drunk enters a bar. He tries to get a free drink, but the bartender tells him to buzz off.
“I t-t-tell you what,” says the drunk. “If-if-if you gimme a free drink, I-I-I’ll fart the National Anthem.”
The bartender says “What? No way! Get your drunk ass out of here now!”
The other bar patrons however, are intrigued. They want to hear the drunk guy fart the National Anthem, so they chip in and buy him a drink. The drunk downs the drink, climbs to the top of the bar, turns around, drops his pants, and exposes his fat hairy ass to the people at the bar. He takes a deep breath, then shoots out an explosion of diarrhea and covers everybody with liquid shit.
The bartender says “Hey you stupid drunk! You said you were gonna fart the National Anthem and instead you shit all over us!”
“You-you-you know shomethin’” said the drunk, “even Frank Shinatra had to clear hish throat every onshe in a while!”