Momma skunk had two baby boys she named “In” and “Out”.
Whenever In was in, Out was out and whenever Out was in, In was out.
One day while In was out and Out was in, momma skunk finished dinner and asked Out to find his brother In.
Out was Out for only a few seconds before he came back in with In.
“My that was fast!” Momma skunk exclaimed, “However did you find your brother so fast?”
"It was easy, " Out replied, “In stinked”.
(To be told very carefully in a cut-glass Women’s Institute voice making sure not to perpetrate a slip of the tongue.)
Peter the python lived in a pit with his mummy. One day he said “Mummy, Mummy, I want to hiss”, and his mummy said “Don’t hiss in the pit, dear. If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hiss.”
So Peter went over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hissed, and then came back and settled down in his own pit, until later he said again, “Mummy, Mummy, I want to hiss”, and his mummy said “Don’t hiss in the pit, dear. If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hiss.”
So Peter went over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hissed, and then came back and settled down in his own pit, until later he said again, “Mummy, Mummy, I want to hiss”, and his mummy said “Don’t hiss in the pit, dear. If you want to hiss, go over to Mrs Potts’s pit and hiss.”
So Peter went over to Mrs Potts’s pit, but before he could hiss, Mrs Potts came back and said “Peter, what are you doing in my pit?” and Peter said “I came to your pit to hiss,” and Mrs Potts said “Peter, don’t you dare hiss in my pit. If you want to hiss, go to your own pit and hiss there!”
So Peter went back to his own pit and his mummy said “Peter, have you hissed?” and he said “No, Mummy, Mrs Potts said I was not to hiss in her pit, and if I wanted to hiss, I had to go to my own pit and hiss.”
And Peter’s mummy said, “Mrs Potts said that? Well, I never! And to think I used to know her back when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!”.
Here’s a good one: Hillary Clinton claims she and Bill were “dead broke” at times.
“In an interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer that aired on Monday, Mrs. Clinton said she and former President Bill Clinton were ‘dead broke’ and “struggled to piece together the resources” for mortgages in pricey Washington and the New York suburbs and their daughter Chelsea’s tuition at prestigious Stanford University.”
I spose its a lot like the time she was “under enemy fire” too. As in, only in her own mind.
If you want to rail on Ms. Clinton, start a new thread. You’re out of line in this one.
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
They say the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe a thousand years ago, and the Scots never caught on.
Talk about profiling.
It’s a joke, not a police report.
Is that a request (more jokes about profiling, please) or a comment about a joke you liked or didn’t like?
That and the following comment is actually a pretty funny joke.
The two cow joke is old, and some of those are new variations. Make up your own.
haha
On the straight dope boards version:
You have two cows
Somebody demands a cite to prove it
You tell them it’s just a discussion
A Mod locks the thread
Now that’s comedy gold.
Gold Jerry, that’s gold.
It doesn’t DO anything!
A couple groaners courtesy of my daughter:
Q: Why can’t you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
A: Because their “P” is silent
Q: Why is Switzerland popular with tourists?
A: Their flag is a big plus
Apologies if this is a repeat, I didn’t bother to search:
Q: If you’re American outside the bathroom, what are you inside?
A: European.
Love it!
THESE REALLY WORK!
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.
4… A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
The farmer said,
“I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull”
“I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.”
“I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.”
“Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said that the bull was very healthy,
But possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.”
“The bull started to service the cows within two days! He even broke through the fence
And bred with all of my neighbour’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“I Don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him……….
But they kind of taste like peppermin
The toilet paper at my office is just like John Wayne. It’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take shit off nobody.
Hey, thanks
(Swiss chauvinist here)
A completely naked woman jumps into a taxi and asks the driver to take her home. When the taxi stops outside her house she opens her legs and flashes her lady bits, and asks, “Can you take the fare out of this?”
The driver has a quick look and says “Haven’t you got anything smaller?”
What do you call someone with no body and a nose?
Nobody knows.
Thread win!!