What is the difference between England and a teabag ?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer
(World cup joke for you non-futbol fans)
Another variant:
Italian guy goes inna store, tells the clerk “Gimme pounda Genoa salami, pounda mortadella cheese, loafa Scali bread, per favore”.
Clerk say “Hey, you mus’ be Italiano!”
Guy says “Assa right, how you know?”
Clerk says “Because this is a hardware store!”
For the OTHER kind of football: you often hear this one around January.
"What’s the difference between Notre Dame and Cheerios?
“Cheerios BELONG in a bowl.”
One about the Washington Capitals hockey team and their widely-disliked star Alex Ovechkin, every year when their season ends with no parade:
Did you hear there’s a new drink called the Ovechkin? It’s a white Russian with no ice and no Cup.
As a Red Wings and Michigan football fan those last 2 get a big thumbs up.
What do Columbus Blue Jackets and the Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice!
Always kiss a hockey player because other athletes play with their balls! :eek:
Lou Holtz told this joke on Regis and Kathy Lee 20 years ago.
In 1940 Goebbels made a speech claiming the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio.
Turns out, it was a fibbin’ Nazi.
The sports one I recall in our area comes from the 80s, when the Cleveland Indians fielded some miserable teams with execrable defensive skills:
What do the Cleveland Indians and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both wear a glove on one hand for absolutely no reason.
Little Billy’s parents are getting divorced.
The judge asks Billy “Do you want to live with your mother?”
“NO!” says Billy. “She beats me!”
The judge asks Billy “Do you want to live with your father?”
“NO!” says Billy. “He beats me!”
“Well, who do you want to live with?”
“I wanna live with the Minnesota Twins!”
“Why the Twins?”
“Because they don’t beat anybody!”
Regards,
Shodan
I’m pretty sure that one went around in the 80s about any team that had a losing streak.
Of course, that means it was constantly being used with the Braves.
Another Polish joke.
How can you tell that you’ve trapped a Polish coyote?
Because he’s chewed three legs off and he’s still caught in the trap.
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He saw his gas bill.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but it sucks 'cause she’s imaginary.
What does a taxidermist do for a living?
Oh, you know… stuff.
I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.
What can I say? I have issues.
True story: My wife and I were singing the praises of our amazing Bosch dishwasher and its Teutonic design and engineering the other day when the topic arose as to whether we should consider Bosch when it comes time to replace our oven.
We both decided it was too soon.
A Polish guy from the countryside decided that being a pilot would be a better career than farming like his father, so he went and enrolled in pilot school. He handled the ground school pretty well, and did ok flying a single-engine Cessna, but when they asked him to try flying a LearJet he got confused and overwhelmed by all the little controls and readouts.
The instructor nodded and said that his response was typical, considering that he was
a simple Pole in a complex plane.
The theme here reminds me of another true story.
My (now ex-) wife and I were on the floor of our apartment playing with our son, who was about two years old at the time. He had a Playskool bus, an open thing with rows of indentations where you could “seat” the passengers, who were the typical heads and bodies that ended in a corresponding bottom that fit into the indentations.
So we’re parading the various passengers on and off the bus. One of them was a guy with a big cowboy hat who we named “John.” In an admirable act of inclusiveness (perhaps not so common in the early 80s), John was dark-skinned.
So my wife picks up John and, in complete innocence, says “C’mon, John, you sit in the back of the bus.” Then she gasps in horror as she realizes what she’s just said!
And now I know that my degree unit M337 Complex Analysis wasn’t a complete waste. 
C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, no minors.”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
The First Rule of the Tautology Club is the First Rule of the Tautology Club.
The First Rule of the Infinite Recursion Club goes like this: "The first rule of the Infinite Recursion Club goes like this: "The first rule of the Infinite Recursion Club goes like this: "The first rule of the Infinite Recursion Club goes like this: …
Two Americans are having lunch at a MacDonalds in Leicester Square.
They are arguing how to pronounce Leicester. To solve their dispute, they decide to walk up to the counter and ask the cashier.
“Excuse me ma’am, but can you tell me where we are? But can you pronounce it slowly, as you see, we’re not from around here.”
The cashier nods and says “Mic…don…alds”
So, I decided to write a song about tortillas.
Actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why did Sally fall off the swing set?
She had no arms.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Not Sally.