Ok I just saw this pretty good Hitler joke - and it’s not racist! Sorry I only have a picture of the text:
Thanks for that link, Prof. P. Some of those are real gems.
The way I heard it, Lou Holtz was at a restaurant towards the end of his coaching career and the waiter told him this joke. The Lou responded with,
“What’s the difference between me and a golf pro?”
“A golf pro gives tips.”
Why don’t Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrate Halloween?
They don’t like people knocking on their doors.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick. Now shut up.
Her: “Do this shirt make me look fat?”
Him: “No, the shirt makes you look purple; your fat makes you look fat!.”
Got this in email:
A 4 year-old’s first paycheck
Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers
that will make you believe that we all can make a difference
when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One
day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house
on the empty lot. The young family’s 4-year-old daughter
naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next
door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-
rough,” more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested
that she take her 10 dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank
the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real
construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot
ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.”
What’s the Italian word for suppository?
Innuendo.
A guy goes to the zoo. The zoo only has one animal in it, a dog. It was a shitzu.
I found out where they keep all the Terminator toys in those huge toy stores.
Aisle B, back
Why was Jesus born in a manger?
Because Mary belonged to an HMO.
Why did Santa’s wife beat him up?
She caught him sneaking out of the Ho-Ho Ho House.
What do you call an Italian suppository?
Innuendo.
Five posts late with that one, dude.
Did you hear about the guy who was half Italian and half Polish?
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
For some reason I am reminded of a temporary job I once had, many moons ago. I was put on standby for the zookeeper to handle any and all questions and comments from the public whenever he was away.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, sir, I don’t see the monkeys in their cage. Where are they?
Youngish me: Ma’am, they are still here. See that artificial structure in the back of the cage, built to look just like a small cave? They will be back there for a long time, out of sight.
Woman: Oh. What’s going on back there?
Me: Well, ma’am. You see… they are… well… smooching.
Woman: Oh, I get it.
(She pauses a bit.)
Do you suppose they would come out for a banana?
Me: (I look at her for a second or two.)
– Would YOU?
Interesting. I have heard that story many times, so it is fascinating to stumble across the person it actually happened to!
Out of all the jokes in this thread, IMHO, this one was the best.
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the zoo.