What happens if you try to roast a marshmallow on a Bunsen burner?
You get kicked out of science class.
A married couple have fallen on VERY hard times. The husband tells the wife You need to get out and sell your ass on the street. When she comes home the next morning, the husband asks how much she made. $43 and 5 cents, is the reply. Who gave you the nickel? he asks.** They all did**, she says.
A brunette enters the doctor’s office: My body hurts anywhere I touch it. Show me, he says. She touches her knee and screams in pain. Whoa! Again. She touches her opposite elbow and shrieks from the hurt. Hmm, once more. She touches her nose and cries out in agony. Have you always been a brunette? he asks. No, I’m a natural blonde, I dyed it last month. I thought so, your finger’s broken.
This is a petting zoo, sir. What you want is a heavy petting zoo.
WHY OLD MEN DON’T GET HIRED!
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man : “Honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Old Man : “I don’t really give a shit what you think.”
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
Out of the blue, the zoophile says: “Let’s have sex with the cat.”
The sadist says: “Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it.”
The murderer says: “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it.”
The necrophile says: “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again.”
The pyromaniac says: “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn the body.”
All are silent for a moment. Then, in a quiet voice, the masochist says:
“Meow.”
“Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for a month.”
This is not so much a joke as something that happened to me earlier this week. It’s somewhat long and maybe not very funny, but it stood out enough for me to write it down after I got home. I call it “Taking Oranges Back To The Store” :
(We pick up the action after the store manager has refunded my credit card and sent me to a Store Lady to weigh my oranges.)
Me: Wait, yeah I swiped my card - so he did take the charge off it.
Store Lady: Okay, I’m not sure what he wants me to do next.
Me: All I know is I got 5 oranges out of a bin marked 88 cents a pound and I got charged $1.28 a pound for them.
Store Lady: Well, okay - let’s go over to the oranges and see what’s going on.
(We walk to the produce section.)
Me: See? Here’s the oranges marked 88 cents a pound. I picked my oranges out of here.
(Store Lady picks up an orange from the bin.)
Store Lady: Hey. This is the code for the Cara Cara oranges that are $1.28/lb. They’re supposed to be over there.
(Walks to the other side of the fruit display where there is another bin of oranges marked at $1.28/lb.)
Store Lady: Somebody put these oranges in the wrong place.
Me: How are you supposed to tell the difference between them? They look exactly the same!
Store Lady: The 88 cent oranges have navels - they’re navel oranges. The Cara Cara oranges don’t have navels.
Me: Oh yeah? Here’s a Cara Cara with a navel. And here’s another one. And another one.
Store Lady: Are you sure those are navels? They look a little small.
Me: Yeah, I’m sure they’re navels. I have a navel too, you know. I know what one looks like.
(Store Lady has spoken to a Produce Guy.)
Store Lady: Yes, Cara Cara oranges are also navel oranges. They have a reddish-orange flesh, though.
Me: They have a reddish-orange flesh? Inside? Great! So the only way I can tell the $1.28/lb orange from the 88 cent/lb orange if they’re in the wrong bin is by the product code which I don’t know or that the inside of one orange is redder than the inside of the other. Right?
Store Lady: Why don’t we just refund you the difference in the 2 prices?
Me: That would be terrific.
(Walking back to the register.)
Me: Man, oranges are really complicated.
Store Lady: Well, they’re not supposed to be.
Not a joke, but I laughed. “Man, oranges are really complicated” should be the new “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”
I was sitting in the chair, naked from the waste down, waiting for the doc to arrive for the exam. It must’ve been a good 30 minutes for me repeating over and over “Don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner.” It wasn’t so much that the doc was a hottie, but I do understand that men just often get them for no reason, and I was doing my best to make sure it wasn’t going to happen to me at that moment.
For the record, the more you think about your penis and and erections, even if it’s in a “don’t get one” kind of way, the more likely you are to get one.
And wouldn’t you know it, the minute the doc arrives I’m sporting a good one.
“I’m glad you’re happy to see me,” says the doc. “Most people hate their dentist.”
Why did the road cross the chicken?
The paving crew wasn’t paying attention.
Sticks and stones can break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!
Eb left, so C and G had an open fifth.
Why did Adele cross the road?
She wanted to say hello from the other side.
The husband comes home in terrible dejection.
“What’s wrong?” asks his wife.
“If I don’t come up with $2000 soon, we will lose the store.”
The wife smiles, goes upstairs, and comes down with $2500 in cash.
“Where did you get this?” gasps her husband.
His wife says, “Well, dear - every time we made love, I put a dollar into my dresser drawer.”
“You should have told me!” her husband shouts. “I would have given you all my business!”
Regards,
Shodan
Guy takes his girlfriend to her gynecologist. She is 9 months and 3 weeks pregnant.
When the doctor examines her late pregnancy, he says, “You know, deep, throbbing sex is a great way to induce labor!”
Boyfriend says, “I don’t care. Get the fuck off my girlfriend.”
Statistically, one in every Two and a Half Men are HIV positive.
Light a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day, but light a man afire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Best wording of one of my all-time favorites! Congrats and hee-hee 
nm
Hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up the school bus?
Burned his lips on the tailpipe.