A Jewish man goes to a Rabbi and asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.”
The Rabbi says “I don’t know. I’ll pray on it, and ask God for advice. Come back tomorrow”
The man comes back the next day.
“I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem.”
The wife’s insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it’s cruel that we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits.
She’s got a point, I suppose…
I work in a hammer factory.
One of my dopey Facebook friends keeps harping on about committing suicide because people never take him seriously.
He’ll never go through with it.
A twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks “Can I help you son?” to which he replies, “Yes I’d like a girl for the night.”
She says, “I’m afraid you are too young for one of my girls.” So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says, “She’ll be waiting for you up stairs.”
The boy says, “But she’s got to have herpes.”
The Madam replies “But all my girls are clean!” So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200. The Madam says, “OK, she’s upstairs and waiting for you.”
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, “Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?”
“Well, it’s like this,” he says. “When I get home tonight I’ll have sex with the babysitter and she’ll get herpes. Then when my parents get home, Dad will drive her home and on the way they’ll stop and have sex, and he’ll get herpes. Later when Dad gets home Mum and Dad will have sex, and she’ll get herpes. And at about 9:30 tomorrow morning, when Dad’s gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he’ll get herpes…AND HE’S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!!!”
I can’t call this a good joke, but it got a laugh out of a classroom of first-graders I was reading to:
Q: How are cows and coffee the same?
A: There’s regular, and de-calf.
Was the kid’s name “Cartman”?
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. A gamekeeper shouts, “Dinnae drink tha waaater! Et’s foo ae coo’s shite an pish!” The man replies, “My dear fellow, I’m from England. Would you kindly repeat that in English for me?” The keeper replied, “I said use both hands, you’ll spill less that way!"
^^ Dialect’s fun, innit?
9.9/10. 
Did you hear about the bluesman who just died?
He didn’t wake up this morning.
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
Disclaimer: I didn’t “heard” this redneck joke; it’s one I personally composed. For your pleasure:
You might be a redneck if you tried to hire the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to cater your wedding.
You’re welcome. I’m here all week. Tip your waitresses. Drive home safe!
The Mein Kampf thread reminded me of what’s possibly the best joke I’ve ever created :
What’s Adolph Hitler’ favorite video game?
Mein Kraft
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
funf
Actually Mein Kraft was his second, unpublished book on his love for knitting.
Hitler loved his Kraftwerk
I thought it was about his love for mayonnaise…might want to check that:cool:
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.
Did you hear about the dating agency for chickens that went bankrupt last week?
They couldn’t make hens meet.
I got this one from a friend yesterday.
A little old lady decides to celebrate her 80th birthday with a cruise. She stops by the bar and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender hands her the drink she says, “I’m celebrating my 80th birthday today with this cruise.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this drink is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman on her right says, “Id like to buy you a drink too.”
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch and two drops of water.
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man on her left says, “I would like to buy you one too.”
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch and two drops of water.
As he gives her the drink, the bartender says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.
^ A bartender should already know why.
http://www.whiskyforeveryone.com/whisky_basics/adding_water_or_ice.html
This one I read on the Main Star Wars: The Force Awakens thread in Cafe Society:
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4,5,& 6 come before Episodes 1,2,& 3?
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
LMAOROTF, am I.
…Or, did I read it here? If so, apologies. In any event, the Force is with that joke.