This is an original (I think, subliminal consciously forgotten old jokes aside):
Younger sister (c. 10) and older sister (16). The younger one asks the older one why her and her boyfriend are always praying all the time.
“We don’t pray at all-what on Earth makes you think that?”
"Because, when mom and dad are out for the night, your boyfriend comes over, and I can hear you two in your bedroom going, “My God,” “Oh God,” “Yes, God!” “Please, God!”…
This fella and girl meet in a bar and really find each other attractive, …so much so that she invites him back to her place for a romp in the sack. After they make great music together, he’s holding her in his arms, she asks: “Would you roll over and get me a lighter out of the nightstand?” As he does he sees a picture of a nice looking man on the nightstand and just has to ask: “Is that brother”? “No, that’s not my brother’, she says. “A cousin, maybe”? “No, it’s not a cousin.” Your BOYFRIEND?” “No, silly, that’s me before the operation!”
Had a bowl of alphabet soup for dinner last night.
Had a good vowel movement this morning.
From Lemmy Kilmister’s memorial service, of all things:
A man goes through life ugly and he keeps praying to god to make him look better. One day god answers his prayer - “OK, I’ll arrange for you to win the lottery, you can have plastic surgery and you’ll look great and you’ll have a long and happy life afterwards”.
The guy feels great. He buys a lottery ticket and wins millions. He goes to the best cosmetic surgeon around and says “Make me look like Brad Pitt!” A little while later the bandages come off and the guy is incredibly handsome. He feels fantastic and walks out of the hospital to enjoy his life, rich and good-looking.
As soon as he starts to cross the street, WHAM! He gets hit by a bus and dies.
Waiting at the Pearly Gates he sees god and says “What happened? I thought we had a deal, I was going to live a long and happy life and you hit me with a bus!”
God looks at him and says “Oh man, I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”
How do Thor and Loki de-ice their sidewalk?
With Ragnrok salt.
Haven’t told this one in a while:
Three statisticians are out hunting. Suddenly, a rabbit bursts from the bush in front of them and takes off running.
The first statistician raises his gun and fires, and overshoots the rabbit.
The second statistician raises his gun and fires, and undershoots the rabbit.
The third statistician yells, “We got him!”
I’m thinking about retiring to Switzerland. I was ambivalent at first but their flag is a big plus.
My wife likes me to keep her cool on hot nights, but to be honest, I’m not a fan.
Or you could join the L.A.P.D. Their shoulder-patch emblem is likewise, only it’s on a GREEN field. 
What has four legs and goes “Boooo”?
A cow with a cold (courtesy of Amazing Johnathan’s website).
Two chemists sit down at a restaurant. The waiter comes to their table and asks what they’d like to drink. The first chemist replies: “I’ll have some H[sub]2[/sub]0 please.” The second says: “I’ll have some H[sub]2[/sub]0, too.”
The waiter returns shortly with their drinks and they both take a swig. The first chemist feels refreshed; the second chemist dies.
Seen on Google+:
Q: What’s the difference between USA and USB?
A: One connects to all your devices and accesses your data; the other is a hardware standard.
Did you hear about the radiologist who married her patient? Everyone wondered what she saw in him.
It is IKEA’s 25th birthday today! In appreciation, I brought them eggs, flour, sugar, icing, milk, a whisk and a bowl. And I told them…
“There’s your fucking cake!”
Saw this in the Mental Floss comments page:
What do Green Eggs and Ham and 50 Shades of Grey have in common?
Both encourage those who can barely read to try new things.
mild applause
My memory is amazing. I can’t even remember the last time I forgot something.
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison?
There’s a small medium at large.
Just found out that the guy who robbed my house and stole my journal just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
I’m an excellent phone conversationalist. You know all those calls to customer service? MY calls may be used for training purposes.