Three nuns were sitting on a park bench. A man approached them, wearing nothing but a trench coat, opened the coat and flashed them.
Two of the nuns had a stroke.
But the third one couldn’t reach.
When the dwarf psychic was re-captured, he just laughed. At which point one of the policemen punched him.
Because…
(You guessed it)
His mother told him to always strike a happy medium.
What’s the difference between the Trump administration and a confused chicken?
One is a flustered cluck.
What’s a hippie’s wife called?
Mississippi.
That’s gold, Jerry. Gold!
Just remembered an old Turkish joke from decades ago. Saleem’s wife asks why he is tossing and turning, he says he has to pay back 5,000 lira he owes his neighbor Mustafa tomorrow, and has no money to pay it. His wife gets out of bed and calls out the window “Hey, Mustafa – my husband owes you 5,000 lira tomorrow but has no money and can’t pay you. Now it’s your problem. We’re going to sleep. Good night.”
I had this friend who wanted to buy a duck hunting
dog, so he went to an old-timer and asked how he could be
sure he got a good one. The old-timer told my friend to
look at the dog’s asshole, because you need a dog with a
tight asshole so when he jumps into the water all the water
won’t run in and make him sink. So my friend goes to the
local kennel, where he’s shown a number of dogs and told the
price is seventy-five dollars apiece. My friend tells the
kennel owner he’d like to examine the dogs closely.
So he goes over to a big friendly looking dog and
lifts up his tail. “Uh-oh,” my friend says, “big
asshole,” and he moves to another dog. The kennel owner
comes over at that, pointing to the first dog. “What the
fuck are you doing to my dog?” he says. “Well,” says my
friend, “I just been looking at the dog’s asshole and it’s
pretty big, see, so when he jumps in the water after a
duck, the water will run in and he’ll sink.”
The kennel owner takes a look and says, “Yeah, the
asshole is big, isn’t it?” And he reaches out, grabs
the old dog’s balls and gives them about a half turn and
the dog’s asshole cinches right up tight. “Sorry,” the
kennel owner says to my friend, “sorry, I had that dog
adjusted for quail.”
I heard that one as a Jewish joke. Guess it must be more widespread than I thought.
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I will use that one tomorrow…
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive a car?
She’s a woman…
A married couple falls on hard times, and they decide that the wife should do a little streetwalking to help them out of their money issues. The wife agrees with the caveat that the husband will be there to help her and watch over her…
The next day, the wife dress provocatively, stands out on the local street corner and he watches her from down the street. Pretty soon, a car drives up, the guy beckons her inside and asks, “How much?”
The wife says, “How much for what?”, the guy answers, “How much for a blow job and how much for sex?” The wife thinks a minute, says, “Excuse me for a second”, jumps out of the car and runs back to her husband.
The wife says, “He wants to know, how much for a blow job and how much for sex?”, the husband replies, “40 bucks for a blow job and 80 bucks for sex”, the wife says, “OK” and runs back and gets in the car.
She tells the guy, “Um, it’s 40 bucks for a blow job and 80 bucks for sex”, to which the guy says, “Well, I only have 40 bucks, so I’ll take the blow job.”
He proceeds to unzip his fly, pull out a massive cock, the wife stares at it for a minute and says, “Excuse me for a second”, jumps out of the car, runs back to her husband, and asks, “Honey, can you lend this guy 40 bucks?”
The son of a Bitcoin enthusiast asks his father if he can borrow $10.
“$9.60? Why do you want to borrow $11.50?”
One of my late FIL’s favorites:
“Lately I’ve been getting stiff in the joints.”
“Then stay out of the joints.”
Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Bruce, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What, did she think I had an elephant?
So, because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
This is the corniest joke in the world, and also my favorite:
“Due to technical difficulties, ‘The Invisible Man’ will not be seen tonight.”
And several southern states in the USA.
This guy invents an Artificial Conversation Machine (ACM) and invites the smartest guy over to test it for him. He explains “All you have to do is dial in your IQ and the machine will talk to you in something appropriate for your intelligence”
So the friend happens to be a nuclear physicist and dials sets the IQ dial to 200. The ACM says “Let’s talk about string theory” and has an intelligent conversation about all aspects of physics. The friend is impressed and tells the inventor he’s really on to something.
The next test is to set the IQ dial to 150. The ACM says “Let’s talk about economics” and the two have a long debate about supply side, the Austrian theory, Keynesian economics, inflation, etc. Again, he’s quite impressed.
He decides for the next test to set the IQ dial to 100. The ACM says “Let’s talk about football” and they get into a nice chat about the latest results and playoff possibilities. Again, the ACM passes the test.
For the next test, he sets the IQ dial to 80. The ACM says “Let’s talk about the Kardashians”. The scientist declines and ends the conversation abruptly.
Now for one final test, he sets the IQ dial to zero. The ACM lights blink and whirring sounds are emitted for about a minute and finally the ACM says “but…but…but… her emails!”
Rofl. The punchline used to be “How 'bout dem Dawgs!”
Yeah, the first time I heard it (in Spartan country) the punchline was “Let’s Go Blue!”
Never take an idiot with you - you will always find one when you get there.