The bad news is, it turns out to be a “Cuckoo’s Nest” kind of solution.
The good news is, Ken Kesey takes an interest in your case.
The bad news is you need a Ouija board to talk with him.
The good news is that a crack whore is found in your bed.
The bad news is she’s with someone else in there.
The good news is she’s dropped several thousand pounds on the floor.
The bad news is she passed out on your Ouija board.
The good news is she came too and left your house and life forever.
The bad news is, the last instruction sent from the Ouija board while she was passed out on it involved peanut butter, salad tongs, 250 litres of mayonnaise, Gary Coleman, Cthulhu, and lutefisk.
The really bad news is, a transdimensional warp has just opened to deliver these items to the remains of your house.
The good news is, you live in a university town, so even the police aren’t batting an eye.
The bad news is, the police are too busy battling the huge monster that came out of the transdimensional warp to bother with anything else.
The good news is, the monster’s name is Larry and his mission is to bring tasty low-fat cheese to Earth.
The bad news is, Larry laughs at the line: “tasty low-fat cheese”. Lies, all lies.
The good news is, He decides to bring us classy, calorie-free chocolate
The bad news is, calorie-free chocolate tastes about as good as you’d expect.
The good news is, it makes really good shoe polish.
The bad news is, Larry is a tri-octoped, and expects you to polish all 24 of his shoes every day.
The good news is, he’s so big, he can’t really tell if you’ve done a good job or not.
The bad news is he uses Barry White as a foot-stool and you are not sure how much longer you can stand the smell.
The good news is that the wimmen are still flocking as the pheromones are still ‘doing it’.
The bad news is, after a while, he’ll find out what sort of a job you’ve been doing anyway.
The good news is, you’ve got a bus ticket to Cincinnati…
The bad news is you have a bus ticket to Cincinnati.
The good news is your wife is pregnant …
The bad news is, Larry is the father.
The good news is, he’s agreed to pay child support.
The bad news is, “pay child support” and “eat you” are represented by the same words in his language.
The good news is, you still have that bus ticket if you need it…
The bad news is that you’ve got to go visit the Proctologist and he has really big hands.
The good news is he gives out lollipops after
The bad news is, he doesn’t give the lollipops in your hands.
The good news is, You won’t have a saddle sore for a while
The bad news is, you’ll literally have a stick up your rectum.
The good news is, gin is cheap…
The bad news is, gin comes from the juniper bush, which is stuck up your rectum.
The good news is, flavored gin is a big thing.
The bad news is, the pipes from the distilling machine are digging into your colon.
The good news is, the alcohol seeping into your capillaries has made you think you’re oh so witty.
The bad news is, Your capillaries have a giant hangover next morning.
The good news is, You get to have a free stay in the Betty Ford clinic.