The bad news is, your scream alerts all the people that want you dead.
The good news is, at least there will be a lot of guests at your funeral…
The bad news is, you hadn’t checked off ‘Dying’ in your day planner.
The good news is, like the Yankees, you’re not dead!
The bad news is, they all think you’re dead and have stuffed you into a coffin.
The good news is, you’re still alive and they haven’t buried you yet.
The bad news is, the hearse is on its way to the crematorium.
The good news is, the coffin is only made of cardboard, so you can start to batter your way out.
The bad news is, you’re small, and the crematorium has a special on battered died shrimps. Yes, that was a terrible pun pastiche
The good news is, the hearse is driven by a redhead hottie named Suzette, who holds a winning powerball ticket, and is in to necrophilia.
The bad news is, her husband is Conrad Veidt.
The good news is, suddenly, some of those French knights jumped out of nowhere and saved you…
The bad news is, they were reall members of THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
The good news is, Pa wasn’t actually eating the decomposing flesh.
The bad news is, that means that said flesh is still in your suitcase.
The good news is, one of the members of the real NSC (probably Charley Weaver) stole your suitcase…
The bad news is, it was a very expensive suitcase.
The good news is, you stole a better one off some bum in the park…
The bad news is, the bum in the park was actually a member of the real NSC, and the suitcase has a tracking device in it.
The good news is, you got tired of carrying the suitcase, so you left it in a locker at the Port Authority, and have escaped the clutches of the NSC again! [sub]bwah hah hah hah[/sub]
The bad news is, the taxi you boarded upon leaving Port Authority was driven by real MSC member Jamie Farr.
The good news is, he’s not in the mood to kill you, or to torture you, or to even tell bad jokes to you…
The bad news is, the tracking device was biologically transferred to your hand while you were carrying the suitcase, and Chocolate Cake, Tony Donuts, the Piranha Borthers, and Conrad Veidt are ready to converge on you.
The good news is, you just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by calling Newt.
The embarrasing news is, we double-posted.
The bad news is, that means that we’re confused.
The good news is, everyone who wants us dead is also confused…
The bad news is: We’re Confused and Dead
The good news is: That could be a great name for a 60’s style band. You should be Gratefully Confused.
The bad news is, we’d get laughed at, and Erich von Stroheim NEVER lets anyone laugh at him.
The good news is, at least we aren’t in public…
The bad news is, Erich von Stroheim, unamused, is not someone you want to be in private with.
The good news is, your first-grade teacher just got here, and Erich always responds very well (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more) to that Teutonic nanny voice she does so well.
The bad news is, Conrad Veidt also responds to it.
The good news is, at least you have the real MSC, the Pirahna Borthers, Tony Donuts, and various aliens to keep you company…
The bad news is, inside the gorilla suit with all of those people, it’s getting crowded and sweaty.
The good news is, about the time something itches, someone else is scratching it for you.
The bad news is, that isn’t a fingernail.
The good news is, there’s some kind of way out of here…
The bad news is, neither the butcher nor the thief is willing to show you what that is.
The good news is, the seams burst dramatically on the gorilla suit, spewing the entire cast of this thread all over the landscape.