Got several problems

In advance I would like to tender any apoliges if someone is expecting something light hearted and short. I also would like to apologise in advance for any sort of spelling errors since I’m sorta writing this off the cuff and as i go and seem to have a bit of Dyslexia. You people seem to be good people and I would like either your help or advice or both.

basicly I have 2 major problems: One financial, the other personal although both are interconnected to some degree.

First, some background info about me to help you visualise things:

First the financial end of things.

I am male, 44 and presently unemployed. I am self taught in the area of computer repair and have a fasination with Science and technology (mainly space related). Roughly at the end of this month I am expected to come up with aproximately $350.00 towards my rent or I shall face eviction. I owe a total of $250.00 on my electric bill, I owe aproximately $180.00 dolars on my phone/internet bill. My checking account is in the negatives and I have no credit cards (never had one therefore virtually no credit history). I have no immediate job prospects. although I feel that I should be able to come up with something within the next 2 weeks. I am in the proccess of reapplying for Unemployment comp but that will take some time. My friends here can’t help me with either finances or even a place to stay if I wind up evicted. I don’t know what I can do. I feel like I am on the ledge of a pit and the walls around me prevent me from escape and they are pushing me into the pit. I have lost virtually all hope and am very depressed. I jsut don’t know what to do. My parents can’t help me wither since they are in severe financial straights themsleves and live in the northern part of the state so getting any form of help from them is out of the question.

the personal problem:

about a year and a half ago I fell in love with a wonderful woman (whom I shall call L). L and I got along wonderfully and still do. we first met on a forum that is no longer in exsistance. Then we staarted using Messenger totalk to each other. First it was keyboards, then microphones so we could ehr each other, then webcams so we could see each other. back in Jan of 2004, i in a rather halting and stuttering voice told her that I was “falling for her” she told me that she felt the same about me. Fior the first time in my life I cryed tears of Joy that night, and have done so multiple times since then. I was her first love, and she was mine. Oh by the way she’s only a year older than I and the reason for our delay into getting the relationship aspect was that both of us had spent very sheltered lives. me living and growing up out in the country in WI with a pair of somewhat over protective parents, and her in CA livng with a pair of very over protective parents. Well, thing proceeeded very well between us and we have discussed such things as marriage etc. We made a vow never to lie to each other and to be able to talk about anything.

 Sounds good so far right?  Well, here is where the problem started from.  Her Father.  her father is japanese/american and is VERY traditional i his outlook.  He demands obediance from his wife and daughter.  basicly he makes the rules in the household and as far as he is concerned there is to be no backtalk from the women.  he wasn't happy with L having friends on the internet and when he discovered that she was having a relationship over the net, he decided that he didn't know me. Didn't want to know me.  Or have anything to do with me.  My parents are fine wiht the situation.  One time L wanted to fly to where I lived to visit.  her father said that she couldn't go.  When we decided to reverse the situation for me to fly to her, he forbad her from seeing me.  This was back when I was employed incidently.  So in order to keep the home situation from blowing up on her, I decided to back off.  But we developed a plan.  Her parents were going to be gone for a vacation from June 7th to june 11th and she would buy a one way ticket to be with me and we would make our lives together.  Well on june 10th she got on the flgiht and I and a couple of friends met her at the airport.  We spent about a week of  happyness and bliss.
  Then on tuesday disaster struck.  She was staying at a friends place until I could prepare a place for her.  Her father and her older brother managed to find out her email address from her father's computer that she had been using and sent her an email.  The email ahs been deleted but basiclly threatened dire situations for me, my friends and anyone involved and demanded that she return to CA that very minute.  She was alone at my friends place and panicked.  Fear and the built in obediance factor that had been drummed into her took over and she grabbed her clothing and in a panic flew back.  She had about $1000.00 and spent $600.00 of it on the flgiht.  upon returning her father then "confiscated" half of her remaining cash leaving her without enough to even think of flying back.  Oh yes, and she was so rattled by her father's email that she took off without leaving a note to me or anyone here.
the next day (after several hours of panic on this end and later on finding out that she flew back) i got avery tearful call from her.  her father had not only confiscated half her remaining cash, read her riot act, told her that she was a very bad and undutiful daughter, but also forbad her fromany sort of internet whatsoever.  he expected her to abandon her online friends, but also any friends that she would have over there as well.  In other words he slammed the door on the cage that he planned on keeping her in and locked it  but he forgot the phone that was still in her old bedroom and while he was outside, that was when she called me.  i made arraingements wiht a freind of her's to set asside a place for L to stay at as long as neccessary.  in fact L's friend (J) had been urging for L to get out of there for some time. So i told L to hang up and call J whikle she still could and her father had forgotten the phone.  J went over and picked up L.  So now L is now over at J's place wehre she will be safe from her parents.  J has agreed to have L stay over for at LEAST 6 months probably closer to a Year.  J will teach L how to have Self confidence, self esteem, and the urge to stand up totally to her Father to where this will NEVER happen again.  L has had so many bad things happen to he in her life that she has almost no Self confidence, or self esteem, and very, very little backbone.  I figure the J (who takes no guff from anyone) will be the ideal teacher for that.  L realises that she made a horrible mistake by returning and vows never to go back.
 Oh, a little bit of further info concerning L's father to give you an idea of what kind of person he is.  In the same email he wanted US (Me and my friends) to sell off everything that L had left behind.  Her massage table (she is a certified massage thereapist), her Cd's, her tapes, the christmas presents that I sent her, her favorite cups etc.  We were suppossed to keep half the money, and send him the other half.  My reaction?  No bleeping way!

So in other words, I shall be seperated from her for at least 6 months perhaps as long as a year. I realsie that in the long run no matter how painful it is for us to be seperated that it would be for the best.

So tell me, how can I keep from falling into the pit of total despair? i am likely to be shortly evicted, have no place to live, and seperated from my beloved.

i need help people, badly, and I appeal to you folks.

Once again I apologise for the length of this, but as you can see, this is a complicated situation.

Hang in, man. It’s hard to get evicted. I’m betting Madison, being the liberal bastion it is, has tenants’ associations, community assistance centers, et al. Say goodbye to your phone/internet for a while, call the electric company and see if you can work something out. There is day labor and stuff out there for some quick cash.

Try not to panic. Just do the next right thing in front of you, keep an open mind and consider ALL options, ideas, suggestions. Dismiss nothing out of hand. It’s important to keep your head up. If you get real desperate, check out the Salvation Army. You WILL be okay. Yoy might have to make some hard decisions, and it might take a while til you are out of the woods, but you will be okay.

Although it seems like a lot right now, 350 is not a great deal of money. You could be much worse off. Hell, at least its summer, right? The only way you won’t get out of this is to panic or give up.

About the girlfriend stuff, I’m sorry. Try not to let that fucked situation get in the way of keeping body, soul, and apartment together. You’ll have time for that later. If it’s meant to be, you and she will work out a way.

Good luck, man. Hang in.

It’s very hard to hang in there. The night that she vanished on me and I later on found out that she was on her way back to CA I spent a lot of time breaking down and bawling. She’s my first and I’m her’s. Does it ever get any easier? As I sit here right now I have messenger running and I’m waiting to see if she’ll come online. This’ll be the third night in a row that I haven’t heard from her. It’s kinda ironic in a way, you see wehn she called me on Wednesday afternoon with her crying I had to be strong and tell her to call her friends place so that she could arrainge to get out of there. Now she’s safe and in better hands but I’m the one who is feeling like he’s falling apart. Right now I’ve got that song “Seasons in the sun” running through my mind and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t plan on offing myself but I admit at one point I considered it. But then two things stopped me. One, the reaction from my Girlfriend (actually fiance but no rings availiable, but I had proposed and she accepted before she came out here). I couldn’t bear to hurt her like that. The second? If I tried and botched it my friends here would probably kill me (lame joke I know, but it’s the best that I can do at the moment).

 I dunno which is hurting me more.  The situation with my SO (which hurts short term I know but I'm hoping for a better outcome, but man it's gonna take a long time.) or the possible eviction out of my apartment.  this is my first actual apartment where I didn't have to share with a roomate, it has air conditioning (or did till a couple of days ago when the 90 degree weather started then it broke down).  Sorry, I'll have to stop typing now,it's getting a little hard to see the keyboard.

I think you need to get your financial mess figured out first. The romantic mess wil work itself out later.

Get yourself to the nearest available temp agency or man power type of day labor thing to get some positive cash flow.

Take a good hard look at your posessions and see if there is anything at all that you can sell. Sure, maybe you don’t have anything worth hundreds of dollars but several items worth $20 or $50 would be a start.

Call the landlord and the electric company and beg for a little more time.

If none of your friends can loan you the whole amount maybe several of them can loan you part of it. Three friends give you $50 each and now you’re $150 closer.

Dude, I hate to be blunt but she’s 45 freakin’ years old. I know all about sheltered homes, I grew up in an excessively sheltered household myself, but sometime you gotta break out on your own! She needs to stand up for herself and get herself out of her parents’ house. There is simply no excuse for letting her father run her life to this extent, and trust me, I know what I speak of.

Anyway, it’s secondary to the financial situation. I recommend selling stuff. Also, if you have to go on food stamps/welfare to survive, there’s no shame in it! Just do it…you have to eat and have to have a place to live. Find out if your landlord will take some of the money and a promise to give him the rest as soon as you can.

Oh, and apply for a credit card. I rarely say this, since they’re dangerous, but just because you have no credit history isn’t going to stop them from giving you one! If you can get online, you can apply for a credit card. Use it judiciously, but use it. And build up your credit history.

Hey there Bendarr

First off, good advice above. Take it to heart. Madison (well, Dane County actually) has a wonderful tenant resource center that I’ve used not too long ago to deal with a problem tenant myself. They are listed in the blue pages of the Madison/Dane County phone book, and should definitely be a primary resource for you regarding the housing situation.

Second, if you need someone local to talk to, feel free to email me - we can certainly meet up for a coffee or a beer if you like. (I’m just down the road in Fitchburg) I’ve been in your shoes (well, on the money side, anyway) and I’m happy to lend a friendly ear.

Good luck!


Hi, I’m sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. The good part is that you and L have made a plan, and that L is doing OK right now staying with J. So at least L is all right.

You need to focus for the immediate future on the rent problem. The advice you’ve gotten above about tenant associations, getting quick day labor, and selling some stuff all sounds like good advice.

I really hope it all works out for you. Good luck!!

Find a way to support yourself while waiting for the job/unemployment to come in. It is summer, ask your neighbors/friends if you can do yard work for them… ask if you can clean houses for them. Go through temp agencies to replace IT people during summer vacations, talk to everyone you ever worked with about contract work. Do you have a car? deliver pizza. Wait tables. Get a newspaper route. I am sure there are tons of stuff you can do to make money temporarily. You have to take care of yourself first before you can hope to help your friend, regardless of how much you love her. Basically you need to suck it up and get your life together and stop being a victim. Learn to be on your own, THEN you can teach her how to be strong.

you know it occurs to me, that you have nothing to tie you there. Sell everything you can, move to CA, maybe J can suggest a place for you to live there for a short while til you get on your feet. You will be with your sweetie. You can collect umemployment there (at least I think so) or find some other way to support yourself til you can find work.

Right off the bat, I’d like to thank you people who have replied with your suggestion. Thank you. I decided to answer directly a number of you individually in this post rather than try to do multiple quotes etc since I am rather likely to mess it up. How ironic, I can tear apart a comp, rebuild it, diagnose problems and fix them, but when it comes to the net and doing things like posting, I’m still much a beginner.

Velvetjones, I am working on cleaning my apartment and looking at various things, in all honesty I don’t have all that much that’s worth really anything. Just a collection of strange and unusual stuff, some of which works, some of which doesn’t. If I come accross something saleable then I’ll give it some serious thought.

Aanaamike, You’ll be pleased to note that today i reapllied for unemplyment insurance (the equvelent of welfare or thereabout here), I won’t know if I’ll be able to get it until July 3rd at the earliest. Here’s hoping. In Wi here, it’s based on past employment history as far as how much you get, so the amount is rather variable to say the elast and there is a set duration of time as well. I’ll take the idea of getting a credit card under advisement but with the fact that my checking account is in the negatives (and therefore shut down by the bank) I dunno if I qualify for one. Here’s hopeing.

Picker, I’ve taken the liberty of sending you an email as far as us getting together and talking. My friends have been as morally supportive as they can, but it’ll be nice to talk to another friendly ear and I look forward to advice concerning the tenant rescource center. i hope to see you soon. if all else fails, I’m hoping to make another freind and one can’t ahve too many of those right?

Adehmar, I’m sorry to say that I don’t have a car or a license. I haven’t owned a car in over 10 years and I either catch a ride with friends, use the bus system, or walk. So I’m affraid that any delivery type jobs are doable at this time. As far as Moving out to CA, well that would require finances to get there, establish myself, etc and from what I understand CA is a lot more expensive than WI. besides, my being there would distract L from learning from J and I don’t want that to happen. She needs all the help she can get, but in the case of my being there (and fighting off the urge to confront her father face to face) would actually be a detriment to her. I am forced to come to that conclusion much as I don’t like it in my heart but I know it’s for the best in the long run.

I meant to say that any delivery type jobs are NOT DOABLE at this time.

urgh. :smack: