I’m working on a story which has a character who restores furniture.
Your woodworking and furniture jokes would be very much appreciated. Going close to the grain is encouraged.
Nailing, screwing, inserting A into B, oiling and rubbing, rods, knobs dovetailing and of course hardwood have been covered. Some by thorough research:D. Some, twice:D:D.
Also covered, good curves, fine lines, great to look at that fine piece.
I don’t think the Barn House has an appropriate forum for what will be basically taking the piss. I’m putting it here because its a request for jokes, but if the mods feel it should be elsewhere, please move it.
Well, not really a joke, joke but I had a friend who played a practical joke on me when I was young & naive…
I wanted to make a couple of shelves and we went to a supply store. Earlier, she had raved about a particular wood that would be perfect for me and I should inquire about it. So, when we got there I looked all over the place for this wood and went up to a young man who was working and asked him “Would I be able to order some morning wood for a project?” When my friend broke out laughing I KNEW I had been set up… bet yet, I still didnt understand what it meant until we got home and she explained it to me!
So you’re pining away for some jokes? Bad puns like the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw don’t go against your grain? I like your stile!
I’m not sure I can make this funny, exactly, but maybe if I suggest it someone else will be able to.
My brother has cut his middle finger on his left hand twice while woodworking.
Neither time did he rush off to the emergency room–the first time his wife was 9 months pregnant and it just wasn’t worth it, and the second time was not as bad as the first.
But he did recently take the injured fingertip to the hand specialist he’s been seeing for an injury to the same finger presumably caused by use of a jackhammer. She wanted to see the fingertip and know what had happened out of “professional curiousity”.
She also told him the warning tale of another of her patients, a carpenter in his seventies with several slightly short fingers. When said patient showed up with an injury on a finger which had not previously been injured, she asked what happened, and he told her that his other fingers had gotten short enough to no longer protect it properly.
You look wistfully into the blue sky and say “hey! dad will be on the plane by now”
Your companion will invariably ask “where’s he going?”
You respond “nowhere - he’s taking half an inch off the bottom of the door”
This story is not so much a wood pun or even specifically wood-related, but it still cracks me up.
Mr. S has been working with wood for years, so he can be pretty particular about the wood he chooses for a project.
One time he needed a piece of trim (shut up, that’s not the joke) for some small project, so off we went to the lumber place. He must have been in the trim aisle for 20 minutes, sorting through every piece in the place. I wandered off to look at other things, came back and he was still sorting, repeat ad nauseam.
FINALLY he comes strolling out with his selection. “Got it!” he said cheerfully.
“I know,” I replied, “I saw the puff of white smoke.”
My husband’s a computer nerd by trade, so this is *really *a computer joke, but it works for your purposes all the same.
You see, he once had a wooden computer.
It had a wooden keyboard. And a wooden screen. And a wooden mouse. And a wooden hard drive. And a wooden power cord. There was just one problem with it.
It wouldn’t work.
wooden. work. get it? It wooden’ work. wouldn’t = wooden.
When I was a carpenter a few years ago, I was working with an older guy from the shop installing some cabinets in a customer’s house. He was on his hands and knees working on something under a counter, and I was standing behind him doing something else. He leans back on his heels and turns to me:
Him: “Randy, you know how you can tell that god’s not a carpenter?”
Me (Jewish, wondering if this is some kind of Jesus reference): “Um, no.”
Him (gesturing): “Because if he was, he’d a put feet on our knees.”
And it is true. Every carpenter I’ve ever worked with has a pair of squishy over-sized knee pads in his tool bag.
(Apologies, but every other joke I remember from that shop was unspeakably racist or misogynist.)
EDIT: Ooh! Remembered one! So a birch tree and a beech tree are in the woods and they notice a sapling growing between them. They begin to argue about who is the father of this little tree. Finally, they get their friend, a woodpecker, to arbitrate for them. He arrives and drives his beak into the little tree.
They ask him: “Well? Is it a son-of-a-birch or a son-of-a-beech?”
“Neither,” he replies, “This is the finest piece of ash I’ve ever had my pecker in!”
