My sister is coordinating and will be helping to host a breakfast for her colleagues and customers, and it’s got a lumberjack theme (pancakes with real maple syrup and I don’t know what else). She’s asked for my help in coming up with jokes or one-liners about lumberjacks and/or trees in general.
Whatcha got? ‘Cause I got nothin’.
There is definitely nothing in the works of Monty Python that would be of any use to you.
I wooden know. Leaf me alone.
I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I’d been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.
Cut out most of the song.
These seem to be the common ones on-line:
This puny guys applies for a job as a lumberjack. "Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down, “You’re just too small.”
“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the guy pleads. “You won’t regret it.”
“Okay,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there? Let’s see if you can chop it down.” Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. “Where’d you learn to cut trees like that?” he asks.
“The Sahara Forest.”
“You mean the Sahara Desert ?”
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.
“Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day,” the foreman told her.
The blonde woman didn’t see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.
“Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?” asked the foreman.
“6” she replied.
“What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!”
So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.
“How many this time?” asked the foreman. “12” she said. The foreman says, “That does it. I’m coming out there with you tomorrow morning!”
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, “This is how to cut down trees really quickly.” He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what’s wrong.
And she replies, “What the hell is that noise?”
Why did the lumberjack cross the road?
To chop down the tree on the other side.
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. There are no lightbulbs in the forest!
What did the tree say when he was burned down?
I cant beleaf this!
Hey, you said jokes… not good jokes…
Sweet!
She did say that she’s planning to use the lumberjack song from Monty Python. Based on that and some other comments, I’m inferring that it’s a pretty laid-back group.
The only joke I’ve come up with so far is one of those insert-the-group ones:
Q: How did the idiot hurt himself raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree!
See why I need help?
What’s green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall,
I’ll never see a tree at all.
~Ogden Nash
How did the tree surgeon break his arm?
He fell out of a patient.
‘EPISODE 12B’
‘HOW TO RECOGNISE DIFFERENT TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY’
‘NO. 1’
‘THE LARCH’
Photo of a larch tree.
My uncle was going to be a tree surgeon, but he faints at the sight of sap.
So, you guys don’t get a lot of face time, huh?
OOOOOWWWWW! SNAP! KELLY RIPPPPAA!
I think I may have picked this one up from another joke thread a few months ago, but here goes:
A man is sitting in a sidewalk cafe and he notices a couple of blondes from the public works department working across the street. One of the blondes digs a hole, and the other blonde comes along behind her and shovels the dirt back in the hole. They go up and down the entire block like this. Finally, as they stop to work in front of the cafe, the man speaks up.
“I’ve been watching the two of you work, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is that you’re doing.”
One of the blondes looks at him and says, “Oh, well normally there’s three of us, but the girl who plants the trees is out sick today.”
What happened to the tree surgeon after the forest fire?
He lost his patience.
(I just made that up. Fear me!)
I know a number of jokes that I heard as lumberjack jokes but which don’t necessarily have to be about lumberjacks; the following for example works just as well for soldiers in the mess hall, etc.:
“At a lumberjack camp, the loggers would always complain about the food. No matter how well the cook prepared their meals, they would always find something to criticize. Finally the cook got sick of it: one morning instead of cooking breakfast he doled out horseshit onto everyones’ plates and then stood there with a shotgun and said they had to eat it, and he’d kill the first person to complain. As the loggers reluctantly dug in, one couldn’t take it. He screamed ‘Goddamn this tastes like shit’ then hastily added ‘-but it’s good’.”
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
Shoeless, I’ve heard the same one as a union-labor joke.
Paddy and Murphy are walking past a timberyard when a man comes out and pins up a poster saying “TREE FELLERS WANTED”. Whereupon Paddy turns to Murphy and says “Isn’t it the shame that Mick didn’t come with us today?”.