Forestry professional here. These are our two best jokes.
- What month do trees hate the most?
September.
- How come Smoky Bear and his wife don’t have any kids?
Every time she gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
I don’t get it. Does it have to do with “timber”?
I’ve never heard it but it strikes me as more of a union or Soviet Russia joke as well. waiting for it…
You got it. Usually the bigger laughs come with younger children telling the joke and saying “sep-TIMMMMBERRRRR”
It’s almost a pirate joke, too.
YAFI, YGI.
What’s a pirate’s favorite month?
Marrrrrrch!
Here it goes:
"There’s this guy who travels to the rocky mountains to do some environmental research on his own. He rents a four-wheel drive car and starts climbing a muddy track that winds through the thick forest, heading towards a cabin he’s been told to be in a place somewhere up high in the deepest of the wood. It starts raining cats and dogs, the windshield wipers going at full speed and all, and it’s jet-black under the leaves… so he gets lost a couple of times. At last he arrives at the place, when it’s already night. He has just set a fire going and settled down a bit in the cabin, when there comes a knock on the door… and there stands a great, stout man: a lumberjack. You know, wide shoulders, strong limbs, a hat and a beard, his broad hairy chest nearly bursting out of a checkered shirt.
-I’ve come to invite you to a party, he says, stooping over the little guy.
-What kind of party? asks the guy.
-You know? Bit of drinkin’… bit of dancin’… bit of fuckin’…
-Great, who’s going to the party?
-Just the two of us…"
Q: How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.
One day I was walking in the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of and I didn’t hear anything.*
A: If you woke up naked in the woods bleeding out of your ass and bent over a log, would you tell anyone?
B: Uh, no, prolly not.
A: Wanna go camping?
*Steven Wright joke
I learnt this in school Cough Cough years ago.
A Chinese man comes to the lumberjack camp looking for work. The boss says “OK, you’re hired. You’re in charge of the supplies.”
“The supplies? OK, I do supplies.” And he’s hired.
Next morning, the lumberjacks leave the camp for their day’s work. When they return in the evening, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Suddenly he jumps out from behind a building and shouts -
“SUPPLIES!!!”
Ivorybill…
…you are a madman.
When you told those jokes…
… about the forest… and Smokey.
I want to party with you, cowboy.
The two of us together, forget it.
I came in to contribute this very joke. The variant I heard: The rule of the lumber camp was that, if you complained about the food, you’d be assigned as the camp cook, a job no one wanted, so generally the lumberjacks will eat pretty much anything without complaining. The new guy doesn’t realize this, complains, and ends up as the cook, which he hates. He’s trying desperately to think of something he can fix that’s so awful, someone will complain. So he bakes up a big moose turd pie. Etc., etc., etc.
Once there was a little sapling who didn’t know if he was a son of a birch or a son of a beech. So he went to the Old Oak and asked, “Am I a son of a birch or a son of a beech?” The Old Oak replied, “I don’t know, youngster, but I’ll tell you this: Your mother was the finest piece of ash in the forest.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
So this lumberjack applied for the job of “Log Inspector” at one of the mills and the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.
The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, “What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?”
“That’s a Douglas Fir, 383 board feet.” the lumberjack answers, the foreman can see the owner is impressed.
They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
“Hemlock, 285 board feet.” the lumberjack answers, again the owner is visibly impressed.
After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack’s talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece do chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.
The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
“How in the heck do you know that is the front of the tree?” the foreman asks sarcastically.
“Cause somebody took a shit behind it.” the lumberjack replied.
I am totally gonna travel back in time 4 years and give these new ones to my sister. 
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third money fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure!
Here in the Pacific Northwest we have actually have logging conventions. I have never been to one, but I have visited our awesome Oregon strip clubs during logging week (lots of fun) and all the waitresses wear “Got Wood?” t-shirts.
Sorry, thats probably not going to help your sister, still funny though…
I wonder how well Sassy Gay Friend’s takeon The Giving Tree would go over.
A forestry analyst was sent out to a logging camp to survey the forest. His job was to count the trees, take measurements, and make spreadsheets to track the health of the forest to make sure the logging was sustainable. He arrive in the evening and found the camp very quiet. After introducing himself to the foreman, he asked if anything was wrong.
“Naw, son. Lumberjacks work hard, and the fellers are all tired, that’s all.”
He saw that clearly enough over the next couple of days as he made his rounds, measuring trees and plotting growth curves and other tree-geeky things. On the third day, however, a fierce storm blew up, and even the hardy lumberjacks were confined to the camp. That evening, however, after the rain moved on, he saw them pulling back a tarp that had covered a plank floor. He turned once more to the foreman to ask what was afoot.
“Well, son, lumberjacks’re vigorous sorts. After bein’ cooped up all day, they got to burn off some energy so they can sleep, so we’re gonna have a dance.”
When the music started up, it was a stately pavane, and the lumberjacks paced gracefully but slowly through its measures. As the dance ended, he shot the foreman a dubious look.
“I know what yer thinkin’, son, but they gotta warm up slow, or they might pull a muscle later, and not be able to work in the mornin’.”
Sure enough, the next tune was sprightly, ten times as energetic as the first, though it still seemed a bit…dainty…for a bunch of lumberjacks. When the third dance began, though, to drums that thundered through the trees, the lumberjacks’ mighty boots seemed to shake the very earth.
“Oh, I get it!” cried the analyst. “It’s logarithmic!”
(Okay, you can throw stuff now. No trees, please.)
What did one tree say to the other? “Let’s make like trees and leave.”
