Grandpa! PLEASE!

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I love my grandpa so much. He and grandma have been a huge part of my life since the day I was born. I moved to Chicago to be close to them, they love my husband, they love my friends. They’re generous and funny and entertaining, but also strict. And opinionated. And stubborn. And sometimes very blunt and cold. They aren’t typical, cuddly grandparents.

Anyway, on Saturday, Black Sheep Grandchild, age 20, (heretofor referred to as BSG) arrived tearfully, to tell grandma and grandpa that she was four weeks pregnant.

Yikes. This is a very unstable girl. Very. She’s attempted suicide in the past, may or may not have a drinking problem, has a dad (my uncle, grandparent’s son) who likes to close himself off from the world for months at a time, a mother who is a religious and emotional zealot, a step mother who ran away to live with a guy she meet in a cybersex chat room and abandoned her two kids…it’s not good.

BSG was distinctly heartbroken to tell us the news. I could tell she’d been crying. I could tell that it was everything in her to say the words “I’m pregnant.” After a moment of jaw dropped silence, grandpa says,

“Well, I hope you know that you’re killing your father.”

and grandma follows that gem with:

“Have you never heard of protection before? Are you that stupid?”

Mr. Jarbaby, trying to calm the situation (because he’s an angel) said,

“How are you feeling? Are you taking care of yourself?” which resulted in tears.

Grandpa said, “It was probably that black guy you hang around with, wasn’t it? And you know he’ll never marry you! I knew you were in trouble the minute you bought that pager.” (what that means, we’ll never know). By now, BSG is trying to hide her crying. Grandma won’t let it go and the onslaught continues.

“Well, I’d say I was sorry for you, but you did it to yourself, and I’m more sorry for your father who has to deal with you.”

When BSG ran to the bathroom, grandma leaned over and said,

“Let’s just pray for a miscarriage.”

At this point, filled with a horror I’ve never known, the Jarbabies decide it’s time to head back to the big, open minded city of Chicago.

Grandpa and Grandma, God dammit! What the hell are you doing? Praying for a miscarriage? WHAT THE FUCK? It was like sitting at a kitchen table with total strangers. I was near tears at the thought that you were the same people I threw tantrums about because mom said we had to leave grandmas. Fucking Twilight Zone.

I love you so much and I don’t want your last years on this planet to be in isolation because you’ve driven everyone away. But I can’t defend anything you’ve said, I can’t support you on this issue. I wouldn’t dare yell at my Grandpa, because I love you and…well, used to respect you. I DEFENDED YOU, Grandpa, when people said you were a mean old man. I was the only one.

I don’t want to be one of those people who says “I hate spending time with my family”. I don’t. I love family gatherings, family dinners, I love being close to my family. But what you did was unforgiveable. I’m sickened.

And I don’t know what to do.
jarbaby

2

Good land, that’s horrible. And I mean “horrible” in all its “train wreck, sick children and dying puppies” connotation.

The only thing I can think of is to support BSG as well as you can. Let her know you are there, even if anyone else isn’t.

Good luck. I’ll say a prayer for the BSG, poor thing.

3

If you can handle being there for BSG, let her know that you will be there for her.

And… while I would say that you should talk to your grandparents about why you thought what they did was wrong, the way you described them makes me think it won’t be much of a difference. Maybe you can just hope and pray that side of them doesn’t need to be shown again.

And here ends my unsolicited advice.

Also, I know it really hurts to see bad sides of someone you love. Good luck.

4

Gods, my paternal grandfather was that way. Made it difficult to spend time with my grandmaother, who I just adored. I was the only one on my side of the family that even tried. He had driven everyone else away with his constant belittling.
I feel for you and BSG. Like the others said, if you can handle it, be there for her. But I have absloutely no advice for you to make it easier.

5

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. BSG is very hard to support. As you may imagine, she doesn’t hang around much, and lives in the far south suburbs of Chicago. She has her circle of friends and co-workers and stays with them (I hope because they treat her better), so when we have the chance to see her, it’s near to seeing a stranger.

It’s sad to see my grandparents acting this way, but it’s also sad to see BSG go through such pain and trauma. I remember holding her when she came home from the hospital. It’s just terrible.

I guess if this is the worst of my family tragedies, I shouldn’t be bitching…but it was just a bad way to spend a saturday.

jarbaby

6

Jarbaby, this is a terrible situation. In my opinion (and this is just conjecture, I could be completely out to lunch here), I would imagine that you’re going through something similar to a grieving process after this; the grandparents you knew and loved for so long have died in your eyes, and a new, not so great set have taken their places. That really does suck. When people we love do things that we really find unacceptable, it creates an enormous conflict within us. Go easy on yourself, listen to your feelings, and give your relationship with your grandparents time to reach a new equilibrium.

7

Write your grandparents a letter. Don’t phone them.

Use Snail Mail.

Tell them what you told us. Kindly as you can.

Explain how much it hurt you to hear them say these things.

If they want to talk it out on the phone, good.

Don’t visit until you talk this out with them.

8

I haven’t had a civil word with my one grandfather since I was 10. He constantly degrades me.

Nonetheless, I still go over to see my grandparents. I love them dearly, and I don’t know what I’ll do when they’re gone.

It sounds like we have the same family.

My advice to you is just take them for what they are. Let them say whatever they want, just don’t take any of it to heart.

They’re your grandparents. Soon enough they’ll be gone, and then you’ll be sorry if you wasted the time you have now with anger and recriminations.

9

Sounds like me and my grandmother. My mother and I did everything for her, but all she did was worry about her precious sons, who did squat. After a while, Mom and I just got used to it - we’d even have little scream therapy sessions after going over to her house.

I solved the problem by moving 3,000 miles away, and let me tell you, absence really does make the heart grow fonder…

Esprix

10

My grandfather was always bearable…it’s my grandmother who was the racist bitch.
My best friend in the world is black. He’d do anything for me, and vice versa. The last time I saw her, she mentioned how slavery should never have been abolished, because “those nigers weren’t good for nothing.” I walked out of the room, and never went back.
Grandparents can be the most wonderful people in the world…but they can also be the most stubborn. Things were different back in their day, and I’d imagine it’s hard to accept the changing society. Make sure you let BSG know that you’re there for her, even if your grandparents aren’t.

11

The above is very good advise. My parents are very much the same and my children have had a hard time relating to them for that reason. However, after reading the beginning of the OP:

I wonder why BSG went to them in the first place. I don’t know how many times I told my wife and kids to just keep quiet. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt anybody else.

12

Jarbaby, I was moved by your compassion for this girl. It sounds as though her past has been riddled with troubles and having once been considered the ‘black sheep’ myself, I thought I might be so bold to suggest a few things as you sound very disturbed about her situation as well as your grandparents’ reaction. Although it may be somewhat difficult for you to ‘connect’ to BSG, (as if often is with those who we perceive as somewhat self-destructive) attempts to support her whether it be an occasional phone call or email may make all the difference in this girl’s life. Chances are BSG has a sense of her black sheep status and will perpetually see her role as the model family disappointment… a very difficult mindset to break and inevitably a self-fulfilling prophecy in the grand scheme. While I don’t know exactly what you’re dealing with, I can tell you that in my particular case, it was the empathy and support of one family member that made all the difference in my life. Granted the critical decisions were mine but feeling ‘outside’ my family was an incredibly destructive force and I desperately needed an indication that I had SOME place there. That little bit of acceptance was enough to help me regain enough self-respect to start demanding more of myself thus becoming more productive and secure. It took years but there ultimately came a time when I could feel a sense of equality among those who had originally not believed in me rather than sinking into the ‘they’ll never give me a chance’ pit of self defeat. I still attribute that sense of confidence to the one person who was there for me.
I don’t know if any of this is a tangible possibility in your relationship with BSG but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. I know it sounds very cliché’ but one person really can have an extraordinarily positive impact on the life of someone whose self-image is their worst enemy.
I don’t know your grandparents but from what you’ve stated, I doubt a confrontation of any kind will carry much weight. I can however see the potential for tremendous success in the possibility of BSG’s ability to face them one day with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Good luck to all of you.

13

I don’t know how to take this Airman. Soon enough they’ll be gone? I don’t wish them dead…and I don’t want to cut them off. I understand that they’re from a different time with different values, I just wish they had a little more tact. I’m going to see them this weekend for a big family gathering, and it certainly should be an adventure. I’m just not going to bring it up.
And Kniz,

The thing is, BSG and I and our whole family have been really blessed by them. They gave BSG a job and a home and place to live when she couldn’t deal with her father any more. BSG has taken care of my grandmother and grandfather in the hospital. They ARE very generous, they are very fun and friendly.

Sometimes I’m blunt and opinionated, should everyone keep their mouth shut around me? I mean, BSG, me, my sister, my dad, we all are the way we are partially because of the grandparents. I don’t think BSG was expecting us to throw a surprise party (especially since she said "I have bad news, I’m pregnant), I just don’t think that she, or any of us expected the onslaught she received, which was partially, I hope, due to shock.

I…do have tons of sympathy and compassion for BSG. What I’m trying to do is NOT get to the point where I hate my grandparents or don’t want to be around them. If I was a bigger, better person I’d confront them…but I feel that would make it worse, so like a pussy I’ll just sit there and say nothing.

jarbaby

14

well, jarbaby I guess you get to decide if you want to practice conditional versus unconditional love with your grandparents. Sounds like they’re practicing the former with BSG, withdrawing their love when she fails to uphold a certain minimum standard. You can do the same with them. Or not.

I’d recommend trying to practice unconditional love for them. It’s harder, but the rewards are greater, and it’s a really great way to bug them! I really enjoy telling certain family members: “I love you, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it”.

To successfully do this, I had to pray for the person I wanted to keep loving. This was especially difficult as I am an agnostic/fuzzy deist Unitarian. I just kept thinking about the individual that they would get all the happiness out of life that I hoped to get out of mine. It worked eventually. I stopped being angry, and continued to love them.

BTW, good luck to BSG. Life is hard.

Qadgop

15

I don’t wish my grandparents dead either. But they will be gone sometime, and almost certainly before I am. I have chosen to make the best of the time I do have with them. That, to me, means that I put up with the petty little nonsense. Otherwise, when they do pass away, the last memory I’ll have of them, will be filled with bitterness.

I’m not sure if that cleared things up for you, but I certainly didn’t mean what you thought I meant.