Great One-Liners

From the sitcom Benson: Kraus comes into the kitchen, where Benson is sitting; she’s carrying a galvanized trash can.
Benson says, “Kraus, why can’t you carry a purse, like other women?” :smiley:

“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge

“To alcohol–the source of, and solution to, all our problems!”–Homer J. Simpson.

From Doctor Who–
Duggan: Do you know what I don’t understand?
Romana: Probably.

Technically this is TWO lines, but so was the original post. From Mark Twain:

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”

public radio’s a good source

from Car Talk: “Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, he will be a mile away. And you’ll have his shoes.”

from A Prairie Home Companion, one of its Guy Noir sketches: “Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird!”

this past weekend I was listening to This American Life, and the topic of the show was “Poultry 99”. This one line just jumped out at me because of how silly it sounded. Especially given the context, but it doesn’t really need the context to portray its silliness: “The chicken DID see me naked, dammit!”

and of course, some things I find sigfile-worthy:

“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight

Going with the radio station theme, there’s this endorsement for a college station:

“Hello, this is God. Whenever I’m in Pittsburgh–which is all the time, since I’m omnipresent–I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT.”

“Happiness is nonetheless true happiness because it must come to an end, nor do thought and love lose their value because they are not everlasting.”

  • Bertrand Russell

A not so attractive woman informs Benny Hill that her mother told her she has the body of a nineteen year old. To which Benny replies, “Well give it back, you’re gettin’ it all wrinkled!”.

“Why, I’ve never been so insulted!”, replies she.

Benny looks her over a minute and says, “You must have been!”.

Jakov Smirnoff said, “In Russia, we have a saying: All women are like busses.”

The audience waited, and then he said, “That’s it.”

Old Russian saying:
“We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us.”

Another radio tagline – forgot the actual station though:

“WXYZ… we might suck, but all the other stations suck worse!”

“I guess it is possible for one person to make a difference, although most of the time they probably shouldn’t.”

W.C. Fields, in You Can’t Cheat An Honest Man: “Some weasel stole the cork from my lunch!”

“Ma’am, you’re very ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.”

Just got these off of a joke-of-the-day email service I subscribe to:


If you ever wished you could remember Norm’s
greetings on “Cheers” here you go.

SAM: “What’s shaking Norm?”
NORM: “All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”

SAM: “What’s new Normie?”
NORM: “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re
demanding beer.”

SAM: “What’d you like Normie?”
NORM: “A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

SAM: “What’ll you have Normie?”
NORM: “Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of
whatever comes out of that tap.”
SAM: “Looks like beer, Norm.”
NORM: “Call me Mister Lucky.”

SAM: “Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”
NORM: “Like a baby treats a diaper.”

WOODY: “What’s the story Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy

WOODY: “Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
NORM: “I know, if she calls, I’m not here.”

SAM: “Beer, Norm?”
NORM: “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”

SAM: “Whatcha up to Norm?”
NORM: “My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”

WOODY: “How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “Poor.”
WOODY: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
NORM: “No, I mean pour.”

SAM: “How’s life treating you Norm?”
NORM: “Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.”

SAM: “What’s going down, Normie?”
NORM: “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

WOODY: “Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “All right, but stop me at one… make that one-thirty.”

WOODY: “How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone

SAM: “What’s the story Norm?”
NORM: “Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

WOODY: “What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer
please, Woody.”

WOODY: “Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?”
WOODY: “For a beer?”
NORM: “No, for stupid questions.”

My grandma could do better and she’s dead.
To preserve peace is to prepare for war.
I’m not stupid- I just have command of highly useless information.
The mind is like the eye- it can percieve anything but itself.

And, of course, “Wash, rinse, maim.”

(Re: a woman with a sexy Southern drawl)
“She had a voice you could use as pie filling.”

If a man says something and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Celebrity Roast for Jack Benny. I can’t remember who it was but after a long spiel he finally comes to his closer.

“And now I would like to comment on Mr. Benny’s generosity.”

He then walks off stage completely.

Absolutely perfect.

From All In The Family:

Gloria: Daddy, thousands of people were killed by guns last year.

Archie: Would it make you feel any better little goil, if they were all pushed out of windas?

“Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.”
–Oscar Wilde

Radio Tag line fro a station in Birmingham, AL:

“We have a higher tooth count per listener than the other stations.”

Also, when my buddy isn’t doing well in a game of pool he says:

“If I was shooting for shit I wouldn’t get a whiff!”



Seeing the above post about Jack Benny reminded me of the story of a robber comming up to him and saying “Your money, or your life!”, and Jack Benny pauses and says “I’m thinking, I’m thinking!”

Cracks me up.