Reading (and crying over) the various threads in MPSIMS about Roadwalker’s daughter, Brent’s niece, and our own poohpah has me wondering about the kindness of strangers.
For better or worse, I have never lost a close family member. My parents and in-laws are alive and healthy, as all of our nieces and nephews and children and SILs and BILs, etc. The rest of the family I’m not close to, and would probably not know they were gone.
I wept over these recent threads, and wondered about the fairness of God/Fate/Deity of Your Choice.
I feel so helpless in the face of such anguish. Maybe because I’m a mother, and I’m supposed to be able to kiss the boo-boo and make it better. But there are some hurts you can’t kiss away.
I don’t know what to say. I tend to edit what I post, in the off chance that the person may take what I say wrong and hurt more.
There is no magic word to take the pain away, no healing thoughts to make one smile in the face of the loss.
Does the kindness of strangers help with pain of the loss? I know everyone means the sentiments they post, but I can’t see how they actually alleviate the pain. Or maybe they’re not supposed to? Maybe they just let the person know they’re not alone in the grief?
Grief, death, and loss have always been major themes in my life. From the time I was two, I attended a funeral for a family member or friend of the family every year, and sometimes more than one at a time. I have no surviving grandparents, most of my aunts/uncles and a few cousins are passed.
When I was 14 two friends were killed crossing the street.
When I was 15 my first boyfriend was killed in a car accident.
Now, my husband works at a funeral home.
One thing I’ve learned about grief is that it’s the most personal, solitary, isolating feeling you will ever feel in your life.
Many of us wish to convey our sympathies and let the person in mourning know they are not alone, and many people appreciate that. However, there are many who will try to sympathize for their own sake, to bring some attention to themselves. I think when we try to convey sympathies for someone we knew only slightly, we walk a very fine line.
As a person who has lost people very close to me and people I can only wish I knew better, I must be honest when I say that it is sometimes offensive when people display what to me seems as too much sympathy. I know that sounds quite rude, but when a casual acquaintance shows an excessive display of condolence, it almost seems to downplay the validity of the grief of those who really knew the person.
My husband has to walk this fine line every day. He has to work services daily, and never knows what to expect. There are some that will gladly share their greif with anyone who will listen – and then there are those that guard tight to their chest their feelings and resent any perceived intrusion on their feelings. I guess it all boils down to your greiving style. In that sense I am definitely a defensive greiver.
I have come to understand (the hard way) that greif is unfortunately like a magnet. It draws in some, and repels others.
There will always be those who have to be a part of any of life’s dramas, whether they have a ‘right’ to or not.
And there will always be those for whom the grief is sincerely shared – but do not know how to appropriately express it.
Everyone is different, but for me, at least, I follow the rule of only expressing what show of condolence and sympathy I can honestly, sincerely own up to.
e.g, I would never express how much I missed someone that I didn’t really know all that well, but I might rather, express that my prayers will be with the family (something I can honestly and truthfully fulfill)
Grief is very individual, and people deal with it (or not) in many ways.
But for me, a kind word was usually appreciated. I occasionally wished people would not keep telling me my dad was better off (or later my mother), but even that was well meant. Again, for the most part, it did help.
Even more important, of course, was family and close friends. We sometimes tend draw away in times of loss, and isolate ourselves from those who we need most. Everybody needs someone they can just be with. Someone to talk to, shout at, laugh with, fight with, hug, and say anything. This can be a lover, a friend, family, or in the best of worlds, some of each.
I’m extremely lucky to have had people around me who saved my life in those times. I always hope other people can be as lucky.
With my major grief, very few people who knew my mum have actually crossed my path, or said the usual stuff. The theme for the past five or so years has been of folks who care about me worried that I’ll do something to join her in the grave (they aren’t too far wrong, even now).
I think condolences offered, even from the slightest of acquaintances, is an okay thing. The loss of a member of the human race means one less to share experience with, one less with knowledge of the funny/sad/interesting things that happened during their life, that they can share with us. One less candle burning brightly in the great halls of our existence here on this planet. That’s why I offer my own small token of respect to folks, both here and in RL – because I have the belief that death and birth are important to us all, and should be recognised as such.
In the threads Kal and I started about our troubles over the last few months, we received many words of kindness, global thoughts, (virtual) hugs and prayers.
Whilst I cannot speak for Kal, it can be said for me that these kindnesses did help. They helped in that I was not alone in grief. It helped knowing others were being supportive in their way. It is true that there is nothing you can say or do to take away the pain on a message board, but there are many here I would be honoured to call friend.
In fact, as part of my healing process I have gone back to these threads, re-reading them, sending each person with an email address a personal thank you, and seeing again just how wonderful people around here are. It is very touching.
Eonwe started a similar thread here you might find enlightening as well.