Clowns WILL ruin everyone’s day.
All you need is someone to knit a clown-suit,
and a little bit of luck.
My Great Aunt Edna had miniature hearts implanted to replace her eyes and, although now blind, is inexplicably happy about it.
Her husband, my Great Uncle Cecil Grosvenor Carruthers McSnooty, is not.
Do you think I should give them an eggplant to show I care?
It’s a lucky day today because I keep winning online Space Invaders.
I’m so happy I could become a citizen of Bhutan, where the government follows the philosophy of the Gross National Happiness.
Wow, I’ve just sneezed again, which is a sign of good luck - I guess I’ll have to play Space Invaders again.
I was freezing, so I decided to travel to someplace warm.
I took only one suitcase, and made sure it was securely locked.
And lemme tell you, the Bavarian castle I stayed in was beautiful!
Clowns have red cheeks, so they must have lupus.
The Brunei flag is black and gold, so there must be a lot of Steelers fans there.
Avocados have seeds, so they must be fruit.
🤼
If your toolbox is eyeing you off in a very suspicious way,
It might have to come down to a fight,
but first just buy him a drink and see what happens.
I almost fell into a hole on my way to work.
But I didn’t, so I said “Nyah, nyah!” to the hole.
Pardon me, but my cablecar is just leaving…
As sure as God made little green apples
When I emigrate to a banana republic
I shall feast on Durian, the king of fruits
Why won’t these damn paparazzi leave me alone?
Sheesh, all I’m doing is knitting.
It’s enough to make me want to take up gardening.
During a sea storm, my cruise ship got pooped.
I managed to swim to an island near New Zealand.
Now I need to figure out how I can go back home.
During the pandemic, I’ve only been able to play One Potato Two Potato with the few people in my close contact group.
There are links to videos on the internet, but it’s just not the same.
When we’re finally free from COVID, I look forward to resuming the tournaments!
May I offer you a lollipop?
It’s a lot tastier than this brick.
Which is good, because there’s no water around here to wash it down with.
Meet Emma, the woman pilot.
She has just retired to lead a peaceful life on an island in the Indian Ocean.
Her husband, who is a headache man, doesn’t seem to enjoy the change.
Ooo, look, a shooting star!
My pet snail Seneca liked that it was the same color as her shell.
My cat Calpurnia, however, was inexplicably horrified.
Some crabs are red.
Grenadine is red.
Sometimes Satan comes disguised as a farmer.
Blue diamonds are not to be found in an UNO deck.
Nor are black circles.
I realized that just yesterday as I flew high above cloudy skies in my private luxury jet.
The rain soaked me to the bone.
I was happy when I finally saw the rainbow in the clear sky.
I had more wishes actually but there was no one around to grant them.
I woke up lying down.
The lemur woke upside down.
Chinese food is whisked up in a wok.
Time for a trip to Mecca, I think.
Or maybe Pompeii? You don’t have to be Muslim to go there.
Eh, maybe I’ll just fill my bowl with Captain Crunch and think about it some more.
My girlfriend has just given birth.
She’s from a Balkan country, just like me.
We’re both prolific kissers.
